Dead Wood

Rob?

Rob.

Rob.

Rob.

Rob.

Oh, hi.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

You've got a lot of stuff.

Oh, it's just the tent mostly.

I wasn't sure what I needed to bring.

Just a sleeping bag and a towel, really.

Do you do this a lot?

No, I've only used the tent twice...

...for Glastonbury.

Oh, good.

Glad I'm not the only novice.

I'm not too good with this whole...

...communing-with-nature thing.

You guys ready for an adventure?

Sort of.

This is gonna be so much fun.

All right, Webb?

All right, mate? How's it going?

Yeah, not bad, not bad.

Hi, Webb. Nice to meet you.

- Good to meet you too, Jess. - Cool van.

Thanks. She's my baby.

Hey, I thought I was your baby.

No, you're my best girl. Come here.

Everyone comfortable?

Hi, and welcome to 'The Dave Peacock Show'.

Baby, look at me. Look at me.

- Smile. - It's another beautiful day tomorrow...

...and Dave just walked into the studio in his Bermuda shorts.

Guys, sit next to each other...

...just a bit closer, a bit closer.

Don't be shy.

Aww, you two make such a nice couple.

Put your arm around her.

Come on. Now say cheese.

We'll have to hike pretty fast if we want to get to the lake by dark.

How far is it?

Not far.

But you don't want to be walking through the woods at night.

- Better? - Much.

Oi!

Oh, right. I've had it.

Right, come on, man.

Can't you get me?

Dick.

Don't be so childish.

What's the matter? Are you gonna start crying?

- Oh my... Right. - Crybaby crybaby.

Good for you. You're crying.

For fuck's sake, Milk, you want to stop that?

It's Lar... Can you not see it's Larri?

Careful. Webb's driving.

It's all right.

You don't have to show off in front of Jess.

You want to drive?

What did you hit?

Jess.

Poor thing.

Should we take it to a vet?

It won't make it.

What?

You're not gonna kill it, are you?

Webb, you can't.

It's in pain. It's the best thing.

Come on, everybody out. We're here.

Finally.

Jess, look.

Over there.

- It's a weasel. Squirrels are up there. - Lovely.

Come on.

How did they get all the way out here.

Must be a road nearby.

No.

The only road's the one we came in on.

You can't drive through the woods...

...not this deep.

They don't belong here, do they?

It's weird, isn't it?

You were right...

...about the deer, I mean.

Oh my God.

What?

It wasn't me.

Shit.

What's wrong?

We've got to go back to the van.

- What have you left? - My camera.

I must have left it on the dash.

Christ, Larri, I thought it was important.

It is important.

Come on.

Seriously, I'll teach you a few basic chords.

Why not?

You just do that. That's a "C".

It's easy.

I'm not very musical, to be honest.

You can make it out of pretty much anything...

...leaves, twigs, anything you find.

It's really quite effective as well.

- Really? - Yeah yeah.

What's Milk doing?

Dick.

Milk, what are you doing?

Eggs for breakfast.

Come on, mate, get down. It's not safe up there.

Milk, don't be so stupid.

Larri, tell him to get down.

Milk, you come down here right this instant.

I got some.

I got some.

You hear that?

Go go!

Milk, come on, get up.

Come on, let's go.

Come here. Are you all right?

This is weird.

Be careful now.

Hey, Jess, do you want to have a look down there?

Hello?

They've probably gone for a walk.

Looks like they've been gone some time.

Maybe something happened to them.

- Like what? - Like an accident.

Shouldn't we tell someone?

Tell who?

No signal.

We are in the middle of the woods.

All right, we'll come back tomorrow, see if they're around, yeah?

Come on, let's get moving.

It'll be dark soon. We've got a fair way to go yet.

It's really nice out here, isn't it?

It's really quiet and peaceful.

A bit spooky, though.

Yeah, but look at the stars.

You don't get that in the city.

Oh, it's incredible.

Anyone fancy a smoke?

There you go...

...for you, Princess.

Aw, thanks, sweetheart.

Stop it.

Stop it. Leave me alone.

Ugh, that's it.

I'm gonna lock myself in the tent.

There are far too many things...

...creeping or crawling around out here.

- 'Night. - Good night.

Good night, all.

You coming to bed?

Suppose, if I have to.

But we haven't told the scary campfire stories yet.

Don't forget to put the fire out.

I think I'll crash too.

Well, I ain't sitting out here on my own.

- Oi. - Hey.

Oh, baby.

You okay?

Great.

You?

Yeah, fine.

Baby.

Your cock is so big.

I love your body, Larri.

I want you inside me.

Sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm just not very...

Just...

- Oh, baby. - Oh, baby.

- God, I love you. - How much?

More than anything. More than your mom.

Oh.

What the fuck was that?

Can you see anything?

Nothing.

You don't reckon it was Milk and Jess...

...fucking around with us, do you?

I suppose it could be.

You should go and check on them.

Will you be all right?

You're only a few feet away.

Webb.

What?

Be careful.

- Wait. - Get the fuck off me.

- Why did you attack me? - I didn't know who it was.

Anyway, you shouldn't play stupid games.

What was the scream for?

We didn't scream.

We thought it was you messing around...

...trying to scare us.

That wasn't you?

That's what she said.

So if you didn't scream...

...who did?

I'm not having fun anymore.