Ali Wong: Baby Cobra

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage: Ali Wong!

- Hi. Hello! Welcome! Thank you! -

Thank you for coming. Hello!

Hello.

We are gonna have to get this shit over with,

'cause I have to pee in, like, ten minutes.

But thank you, everybody, so much for coming. Um...

It's a very exciting day for me. It's been a very exciting year for me.

I turned 33 this year.

- - Yes! Thank you, five people.

- I appreciate that. -

Uh, I can tell that I'm getting older,

because, now, when I see an 18-year-old girl,

my automatic thought...

- is "Fuck you." -

"Fuck you. I don't even know you, but fuck you!"

'Cause I'm straight up jealous.

I'm jealous, first and foremost, of their metabolism.

Because 18-year-old girls, they could just eat like shit,

and then they take a shit and have a six-pack, right?

They got that-that beautiful inner thigh clearance

where they put their feet together and there's that huge gap here

with the light of potential just radiating through.

- -

And then, when they go to sleep, they just go to sleep.

Right? They don't have insomnia yet.

They don't know what it's like to have to take a Ambien

or download a Meditation Oasis podcast

to calm the chatter of regret and resentment towards your family

just cluttering your mind.

They have their whole lives ahead of them.

They don't have HPV yet.

They just go to sleep in peace at night.

Everybody has HPV, OK?

Everybody has it. It's OK.

Come out already. Everybody has it.

If you don't have it yet, you go and get it.

- - You go and get it. It's coming.

You don't have HPV yet, you're a fucking loser, all right?

That's what that says about you.

A lot of men don't know that they have HPV,

because it's undetectable in men.

It's really fucked up. HPV is a ghost that lives inside men's bodies

- and says, "Boo!" in women's bodies. -

My doctor told me that I have one of two strains of HPV.

Either I have the kind that's gonna turn into cervical cancer...

or I have the kind where my body will heal itself.

Very helpful, this doctor, right?

So, basically, either I'm gonna die...

or you're in the presence of Wolverine, bitches.

We'll find out.

Um, I can also tell that I'm getting older,

because my Kindle is turning into a self-help library.

I'm not interested in books like Fifty Shades of Grey, OK?

I'm interested in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.

Yes. Yes, that's right, how to declutter my home

to achieve inner peace and my optimum level of success.

That's what your 30s is all about. How can I turn this shit around?

I'm a horrible person, I'm not happy with where I am,

how can I turn this shit around? Help me, Tony Robbins, help me!

I have a hoarding problem,

which I'm hoping is the center of all of my other problems.

I'm hoping that if the hoarding goes away, the HPV will also disappear.

I have a hoarding problem because my mom is from a third world country

and she taught me that you can never throw away anything,

because you never know when a dictator's gonna overtake the country

and snatch all your wealth.

So, you better hold onto that retainer from the third grade,

'cause it might come in handy as a shovel

when you're busy stuffing gold up your butt

- and running away from the Communists. -

The last time I was at home in San Francisco,

I was trying to help her get rid of shit.

Don't ever do that with your mom. It was like the worst experience of my life.

It was so emotional.

We were screaming and fighting and yelling and it all came to a climax

when she refused to let go

of a Texas Instruments TI-82...

manual.

The manual. She don't even know...

where the calculator is.

Those of you under 25

probably don't know what that calculator is.

It was this calculator that bamboozled my generation.

We were all required to buy it when we were in eight grade.

- It cost like $200. -

And everybody thought it was like this Judy Jetson's laptop from the future.

All because what?

- It could graph. -

It was like the Tesla of my time.

And my mom got so emotional about the manual

and she was like, "You never know when you might need this."

And I was like, "But... I do know...

that I'm gonna have to clean all this shit up when you die."

"And I'm not trying to be a procrastinator anymore.

Because according to Deepak-Oprah,

that's not the way for me to achieve my optimum level of success."

I grew up a lot this past year.

Uh, this past year I also got married.

- - Yeah.

- To a man who now has HPV. -

Very lucky guy.

He gave me something.

- I gave him something. -

That will also last forever.

No, really. I'm the lucky girl,

because before him, I dated a lot of losers.

Lots of losers. A lot of skaters.

You wanna be a grown-ass woman, stop dating skaters.

Stop dating skaters unless you wanna wake up on a mattress in a kitchen.

They're sexy on the outside, malt liquor on the inside.

Horrible.

But my husband, I first met him at this wedding

and, uh, he's-- he's much better looking than me,

he's way out of my league,

and I saw him and I was like, "Oh, my God, who is that?"

And the first thing I learned about him was that, at the time,

he was attending Harvard Business School.

And I was like, "Oh, my God, I'm gonna trap his ass."

"Going to trap his ass!"

And I trapped his ass initially

by not kissing him until the fifth date,

which is a very unusual move on my part.

But I did it on purpose,

because I knew that he was a catch.

So I was like, "All right, Ali, you gotta make this dude believe

that your body is a secret garden."

When, really, it's a public park...

that has hosted many reggae fests...

and has even accidentally let...

two homeless people inside.

- I thought they were hipsters, OK? -

That store Urban Outfitters has made things very confusing...

for my generation.

You homeless or you a hipster?

Is that beard for fashion or for warmth?

It happened to...

It happened in San Francisco, when I was living there,

and I saw this guy in broad daylight

and we had, like, we had... We had so much chemistry.

He was like, "Hey, wassup?"

I was like, "Wassup?"

And we-- The next thing I knew,

we were getting busy in the back of my Volvo.

And then after we were done, he was like, "Hey, can you drop me off?"

I was like, "Where?" He was like, "At the park."

And I dropped him off at Golden Gate Park

and watched him run into the middle with all his other homeless friends,

- and I was like, "Oh, no!" -

"I just fucked a homeless dude!

- Again!" -

My husband is Asian.

Which a lot of people are shocked by,

because, usually, Asian-American women who, like,

you know, wear these kinda glasses and have a lot of opinions,

they like to date white dudes.

You go to any hipster neighborhood in a major city in America

and that shit is turning into a Yoko Ono factory.

It's... too much. I don't know what's wrong with these bitches.

I get it, you know, because being with a white dude

you feel very...

You feel very picturesque when you're with a white dude, you know.

You feel like you're in a Wes Anderson movie or something.

And you know, white dudes, they teach you about a lot of cool stuff

like voting and recycling,

and disturbing documentaries.

They introduce you to cool stuff like that

and it's very, you know, it's hot hookin' up with a white dude.

I mean, nothing makes me feel more powerful

than when a white dude eats my pussy. Oh, my God.

I just feel like I'm absorbing all of that privilege

- and all of that entitlement... -

you know, just right there, through the money hole and just...

And then also, he's so vulnerable down there.

I'm, like, "I could just crush your head at any moment, white man!

I could just kill you right now! Crush those brains!

Colonize the colonizer!" You know?

But I think that for marriage,

it can be nice to be with somebody of your own race.

The advantage is that you get to go home...

- and be racist together. -

You get to say whatever you like!

You don't gotta explain shit.

My husband, half-Filipino, half-Japanese.

I'm half-Chinese and half-Vietnamese.

And we spend 100 percent of our time shitting on Korean people.

- It's... amazing. -

It's what love is built on, you know?

My last boyfriend was Cuban

and his family would shit on Mexican people all the time.

And I was like, "Hold it.

- You guys aren't Mexican?" -

Asian-American men are very underrated.

I don't know why people don't go for them. They're the sexiest.

Asian men are the sexiest.

- They got no body hair from the neck down. -

It's like making love to a dolphin.

Oh, my God. It's so smooth, just like a slip and slide.