Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

Okay, what we're getting now is, yes,

they're saying it was, in fact, a fire that erupted

inside the external tank of the ship

exactly 98 seconds after it entered the asteroid field.

No one is sure what caused the fire

which led to the massive explosion

killing all 12 crew members and scientists

aboard the space shuttle Deliverance,

taking with them our last and only hope.

Once again, if you're just tuning in,

the CSA space shuttle Deliverance

has been destroyed.

The final mission to save mankind has failed.

The 70-mile-wide asteroid known commonly as "Matilda"

is set to collide with Earth in exactly three weeks' time,

and we'll be bringing you up-to-the-minute coverage

of our countdown to the end of days,

along with all your classic rock favorites.

This is Q 107.2.

I think we missed the exit.

...they say the damage to the tower has rendered

all cellular telephones useless.

No word yet on how long before water and power

will be shut off altogether.

But we'll be bringing you all the information you need

just as long as we have a live feed.

And be sure to stay tuned at 9:00 pm. Eastern Standard Time

The human migration continues...

Sorry, dude! It's okay.

What are you doing?

Hey, up yours, pal!

I'm sorry, sir,

that's not covered under your current policy.

I'm afraid the Armageddon package is extra, yes.

Well, that protects you and your family

against any sort of apocalyptic disaster.

Asteroids, obviously, plague, famine, locusts...

Drawbacks?

The premiums are high...

I'm sorry... Can you just hold on for one moment? Thank you.

So feel free to wear

your casual Friday clothing pretty much any day of the week.

And since Ted in Human Resources is no longer with us,

I thought I'd let you all know of a few positions in upper management

that have been made available.

So, if anyone wants to be Chief Financial Officer...

CFO? Anyone?

Life has no meaning.

Anyone?

I really think I'm coming down with something.

On your right!

On your right, buddy.

On your right!

You could have told me that yesterday!

Linda?

Oh, hi, Elsa.

Hi, Mr. Dodge.

Okay, I finish. Okay.

Me estoy volviendo vieja, Mr. Dodge. I getting older.

I didn't mean to rush you off or anything.

Do you have some place to be?

I mean, if you want, you could...

I don't know, you could watch TV here,

or something, whatever you like.

Oh, my kids are waiting.

Oh, right. Of course. You have kids.

Listen, Elsa, you don't have to come next week.

Or, you know, ever, if you don't want to. It's okay.

You firing me?

No, no, no. No, I just...

Is this because I don't watch TV with you?

No. No. I...

I just thought, considering...

There's just no need to...

Nothing. Forget it. It's fine.

You're out of Windose.

More Windose, got it.

See you next week, Mr. Dodge.

Okay.

I regret my entire life.

Okay. Okay.

Bye! Bye, now.

Well, it's no longer just the postal service.

Commercial airlines have discontinued altogether today.

After much delay, the final flight, piloted by Delta Airlines,

left Chicago Midway at 3:45 Central Time,

touching down in Seattle at 6:15 Pacific.

Private charters have been given military clearance

to use intercontinental airspace at their own risk.

And now the traffic report. Amy?

We're fucked, Bob.

Thank you, Amy.

Oh, shit.

...they have yet to make a statement regarding rumors

of a classified space launch for high-ranking government officials,

religious figureheads, and important contributors

to athletics and entertainment.

They have predicted the exact location of impact,

but the government is refusing to release this information to the public

to avoid creating an even greater sense of panic.

You're early! Hi.

Warren told me about Linda.

Oh, yeah...

I am so surprised she didn't do it sooner.

She never really looked happy,

especially when she was with you.

That's new information.

Really?

Why do you think she didn't want to have kids?

Karen Amalfi is coming alone tonight.

Don't. Do not.

Do not what?

Please, Warren. Can we just have a few sober moments tonight?

This is the Last Supper, Diane.

You think Jesus was sober for his last supper?

You think he turned water into lemonade?

Dodge, a little help, please.

No, no, no, no, no. Dodge is my friend.

My friend. Look at this, my friend.

This is a Don Ramon cigar.

This is the hardest cigar in the world...

Can you chop those a little louder, please?

This is the hardest cigar in the world to find.

And tonight, I'm going to share one of my last 13 with you.

How's that sit?

Hi, Danny.

Hey, can I fix you a drink, son?

Quit ruining my life.

Good for you, sweetie. Express yourself.

Go fuck yourself!

I was thinking maybe we should set up

Dodge with Karen. Don't you think?

Oh, my God, will you stop it?

What?

He doesn't want to get set up with one of your gross friends.

He needs to meet somebody!

No, he doesn't!

Leave him alone. He is alone, look at him.

- I'm fine. - No, honey, you're not fine.

You're gonna die alone. Doesn't that bother you?

He's not gonna die alone. Yes, he is.

He's not gonna die alone. He's gonna die with everybody else!

There's just no need to cling to who's closest.

This isn't the fucking Ark, Diane.

This is the Titanic!

And there is not a life raft in sight.

Welcome aboard.

Dodge, you remember Karen Amalfi.

Hello, good to see you.

Hi.

It's everything I never wore.

It's very nice, very shiny.

You're funny.

So...

Well...

We decided that we would use this time to be with family.

First we're gonna go to West Virginia, see my sister

and her husband and the two boys.

Even though we just saw them.

We just saw them.

And then Lacey wants to go to her stepfather's in Aspen

so that she can tell him to fuck off.

And also ski!

And ski.

- Great! - Yeah.

Karen?

Okay, well, I think I'm finally gonna take that pottery class.

And... Well, I'm gonna eat whatever I want,

and totally not even care. Just...

Go, girl.

And maybe I'll, um,

be spending a little time with someone special.

Yeah.

Oh, me? Let's see...

What was the question?

Qué será, será!

We're gonna ski first, and then she's gonna tell...

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Fight through the burn, fight through the burn! Fight through the burn!

Yes!

Yes!

Winner's wine!

Hey, Dodge! Hey, Roache.

Dodger! I'm gonna miss you, man. Gonna miss you...

Oh, boy. It's the fucking Wild West, you know?

Is it? Come on.

Single guys like us, I mean, we gotta grab this thing, you know?

Because it is a different world now.

It's a different world.

Okay. We gotta... You know?

No, I don't. I don't...

I don't... You don't? Dude,

the sky is falling.

The sky is falling.

And it's raining pussy!

It's raining pussy

Dude, ever since Deliverance, man,

I've been with a different girl every day.

And they don't care about getting pregnant.

They don't care about diseases,