Wagons East!

What the hell?

The stagecoach is coming!

The stagecoach is coming!

No need to stop.

Hands up!

Howdy.

This is the third time this month.

You really should give the depositors a chance...

to build up their accounts.

Huh?

- Good luck. - Hey. I've got a job.

What'll it be?

You know, I would really love a gin and tonic--

slice of lime, cracked ice.

Whiskey.

Okay, Belle. Okay. All right.

Get out! Get out!

I could strike rich tomorrow, Belle. Lemme give you an IOU.

I am done working for IOUs,

and I'm done working for rocks!

Here... Here's a refund.

Zeke.

Why, Harry Bob Ferguson!

What a terrific surprise.

In all fairness, I must confess,

I've never actually considered you to be much of...

the reader type-- per se.

I need a big damn book.

A big damn book. Super. We certainly have a few of those.

But if I might, have you found that you've been more in the market...

for a coffee table, brunch display kind of impress-your-guests kind of a thing,

or are you leaning more towards a bedside

flip-right-through-it- before-you-go-to-bed number?

Like a chocolate?

Oh. Not another word.

I'd like to recommend one of my very favorite authors to you--

woman named Jane Austen.

This is a writer of just wonderfully exquisite prose.

And of course, as you can see, it's a big damn book.

Oh, Pride and Prejudice.

You're going to get more than a run for your money on this one.

How much?

Well, I think $2.00 is a fair price.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

How much for just the pride?

Well, actually, one does hate to break up the set.

All right. I got to test it first.

I beg your pardon?

Where is your outhouse?

It's in the back.

What'll it be?

Oh, I don't know. I'm a mess.

What did you have in mind?

Whiskey. What a surprise.

That there's the Ferguson place.

Let me help you down here, ma'am.

Watch your step.

Son of a bitch!

Are you sure about this?

Quite sure.

Well... good-bye.

And good luck.

Good-bye.

Two!

- Three! - Excuse me!

Excuse me. Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

My name is Lindsey Thurlow.

Huh?

The mail-order bride.

Which one of you is the groom?

None of us could afford a bride on his own,

so we all just sort of... Pitched in.

This is completely unacceptable.

My contract was signed by a, uh...

Mr. Clayton Ferguson.

He's in the barn.

Thank god. Ohh! Thank god!

Millie! Millie, come back here, darlin'!

I was only jokin'!

Women!

They're always arguing.

Right.

- What'll it be-- - Whiskey.

Hey, Ferguson. Is it raining out there?

I thought we was in drought.

Oh.

Oh, God.

You got a problem, there, mister?

Uh, yeah. These are my cows.

You see? They say "Phil's cow,"

and, uh, hey, I'm Phil.

They were stolen from me about two nights ago.

You must be mistaken.

I bought these cows last year in... Dodge.

Of course, you got a problem with that,

we can settle it right here.

- That's life, huh? - I don't much like being called a...

- ... cattle rustler. - I don't blame you.

- Take 10 paces. - Say, I'd love to, but I can't,

because you know what? I'm anti-handgun.

So, uh... Let's see.

What do you say we flip for them?

I said take 10 paces, turn, and start shootin'.

Those are cows!

What am I, crazy? What have I been thinkin'?

I'm a sheep rancher!

Start walkin'!

1... 2...

3... 4...

What comes after 4?

4 1/2.

4 1/2... 5...

8, 9--

Where the hell did he go?

I can't. I can't face another wounded teller with a workman's comp claim!

I can't stand it anymore.

He actually took the book to the outhouse...

and used it as toilet paper!

No more IOUs, and no more rocks!

What on earth were we thinking?

Why in the world did we ever come out here to begin with?

- Why don't we go back? - What?

Yeah, back. Back east. Back home. Back. Come on.

- You're talkin' crazy, Phil. - Oh, am I?

- Of course you are. We can't go east. - Why not?

- Because. - Why?

Because it's against the code.

- Exactly. Because it's against the code. - What code?

You know very well what code. The code of the west.

Oh, the code of the west.

Isn't that the same code that says, uh...

"The only good Indian is a dead Indian."

And "die with your boots on." Wait a minute. I got another one--

"if someone steals your horse, you hang 'em."

That's some code.

Hey, this is quite a code. Let's just stay here.

Admittedly it's not a very enlightened ideology.

But leaving would be like giving up.

That's exactly what it would be, Ben.

Giving up. So let's just give up.

Let's get outta here. Let's get ourselves a wagon master and go home.

Let's go east. What do you say?

I say you're bunch of gutless, lily-livered, yellow-bellied, eastern sissies!

All you done since you got here is whine and complain!

Now, why don't you go back and leave the west to the real men!

Well, actually I could have the books on the wagon really quickly,

and the cappuccino machine, you know is gonna travel like a dream.

Henrietta misses her family back east.

And maybe First National would hire me back.

I could take care of my girls, settle my IOUs, the house--

Wait!

We need a sign.

- A sign? - From the lord.

Actually, a sign would be terrific.

Oh! Oh, that's right. You need a sign from the lord.

Hey, Zeke, come on. Really, there's your sign.

When was the last time it rained here, huh?

That's not a sign. It's just rain.

- Zeke, that is a major sign. - I'll say.

It's just the wind, Phil.

Tough room, Phil.

Oh, dear.

That... That's a sign.

What?

Who's he?

Who in the--

Stranger?

Smells like whiskey.

Well, he's certainly come to the right place, hasn't he.

I don't recognize him.

Easy, slick! You ain't a customer yet!

Hands off!

"James H. Harlow."

"Wagon master."

Sure you're not hungry?

I don't eat meat... When I'm drinkin'.

Look, I know he looks a little unsteady,

but there's something about him-- something in his eyes.

Those are blood vessels. The man's a drunk.

It could be pinkeye. There's a lot of that going around.

Listen, could you go through that route again for us, huh?

Follow me.

Gentlemen...

This is the southwest territories.

We're going to start right here.

Here's Chimney Rock.

Over here's Devil's Gate.

No, no, no. This is--

Platte River. Now I know where I am.

Can't you just use a map?

I don't use maps, Earl.

Ben!

Ben. Got it all up here...

Where it counts!

That's what I'm afraid of. Can we go, Phil?

Hold on. Let me get this straight.

This dutch oven's gonna be our first campsite, right.

Right. Right next to the Pawnee nation.