The New Pope

We are under siege.

-(GROANS) -Pray!

We have only one viable candidate

for the papacy, Sir John Brannox.

Come back with a new pope in your pocket.

I've got a lot of projects to propose to Brannox.

Then I will use my charm to persuade him.

If I were to become pope,

might I be able to meet famous people?

Oh.

Finally, a sensible reason for aspiring to the papacy.

I still don't understand why you can't get into

Brannox's good graces.

Guess who knows the Pope's secret?

Do you remember me, Holy Father?

Beautiful baby, your nephew.

Ah, thank you, Holy Father.

Um...

Appreciate that.

Oh, sorry, I brought a gift for you,

a painting that I did.

Thank you.

Interesting, thank you.

You're welcome.

So...

You look a bit older.

And it might just be the beard, but...

- I've had a beard since I was 31.

- Well, I remember this amazing speech

that you gave in Venice,

but I don't remember you having a beard then.

That was Pius XIII.

Oh.

So...who are you?

I'm John Paul III.

Oh, oh...oh.

Please forgive me, Holy Father.

You gotta understand, I've been in the studio

holed up for months, and I don't really

keep track of the news, so...

What helps?

Potassium phosphate

mixed with a capsule of Xabol.

- So you're quite the pharmaceutical adventurer.

So you're not Pius XIII.

No, I'm the new pope.

- May I ask what happened to the old pope?

He's in coma,

and he had a successor, Francis II,

and he died.

Wow.

Um...have you gone to visit him?

Who?

The pope in a coma.

No, not yet.

Maybe you should.

[Sofi Tukker's "Good Time Girl"]

Brothers.

Many,

far too many members of the clergy

believe that love

is an infinite meadow

and they're allowed to pick all the flowers they want.

But they are not picking flowers.

They are ripping plants from the earth

and assuring by their actions

that in the scorched and barren soil

they've defiled,

nothing more will ever grow.

This is what our Church risks becoming.

The world wants to see pedophile priests hanged.

But Jesus would not want this.

Jesus is civility, and the Church

cannot, must not abandon her children,

especially if they are ill.

But...

if they are ill,

she must distance them

from the heart of ecclesiastical life forever.

Forever.

- I know it sounds trite, but seeing you surrounded

by all these men

makes me swell with pride.

- Is that what we're calling it now?

Pride?

Your Holiness.

When you have a minute,

I would like to show you something.

A gift...

from me to you, Your Holiness.

They told me you only love Bentleys.

- So this is the way the real world works.

Yes, this is how it works.

I hope that you are not offended, Your Holiness.

It's only a welcome gift,

one that expects nothing in return.

- What could I possibly give in return, Eminence?

I am only a primus inter pares.

To be concrete,

you need to make appointments.

I'm never concrete.

- Do you remember, Your Holiness, when we slept

in the same room after the seminary?

What happy memories.

We were young then.

- All I remember about my youth

is my brother, Adam.

- Do you still sleep with that silver box

next to your bed?

- Actually, you're right, of course.

We did sleep in the same room.

I recall you had an endless stream of young visitors

day and night, no?

- If you allow me, Holy Father,

I would be happy to inform you sometime

of certain habits inside the Vatican.

- Oh, I very much allow you, Eminence.

Do it now. Do tell straightaway.

I'm curious.

- In the Vatican, the choice is between

blackmail and benevolence.

I always prefer the second option.

Don't you?

- I never answer important questions

in the evening, Eminence,

especially after three glasses of champagne.

[Giorgia and Marco Mengoni's "Come Neve"]

Matter resolved.

A quid pro quo in the chain of command.

May I swear?

Just once.

Like fuck it is.

The matter's not resolved at all.

- Reverend Mother, Don Cavallo informed me

that you had requested 200 euro

in order to take Lisette's mother to Lourdes.

And I have just given you 200 euro.

- What we want now is not what we wanted before.

Our requests have changed.

You don't understand.

- I understand everything, Reverend Mother,

but you need to be more clear.

- We sisters have joined together,

and we now understand the difference

between charity and rights.

I am all ears.

We...demand respect.

Social, moral,

and economic recognition for the duties

we sisters perform.

We want to be welcomed into the bosom of the Church,

to be granted a more active ministry,

including administering the sacraments.