Harley Quinn

For the last time, dude, get the fuck out of here

with the "Gandalf could just fly over Middle-earth

and drop the ring into the fires of Mount Doom from atop an eagle" bullshit!

I've clearly laid it out on a LOTR subreddit.

What do you want to watch?

We could watch Harley Quinn.

-No! -Have you seen the show?

Oh, God, no!

It's just another heavy-handed female empowerment story,

where the true villain is the quote-unquote "patriarchy."

So basic.

Yeah, I guess.

I heard Harley takes down Joker at the end of season one!

I'm sorry, but "cucked" isn't a great color on the greatest villain of all time.

That's what this review says.

- -Hey, you wrote this one.

I can't believe you want to watch this show.

You know, they just did a three-episode arc, where Harley beats Penguin,

Riddler and Mr. Freeze, using nothing but her Mary Sue powers!

Are you sure you haven't seen the show?

Yeah! 'Cause I'm not a 12-year old girl.

Also, dude,

why would I watch a show that's set in Gotham City,

but Batman's barely in it?

You watched all five seasons of Gotham.

Because it wasn't a fucking tsunami of virtue signaling.

Here, smart guy.

Let's see what this week's episode of Harley Quinn is about.

"Harley Quinn and her best friend, Poison Ivy..."

See?

"...aren't in this episode, which focuses on Batman waking from his coma

and vowing to take back Gotham City."

Fuck! Fine! But if it sucks, we're watching Family Guy.

Okay.

Alfred!

- -

- -It's not as bad as it looks.

Why don't you come back to bed?

I've made you a cup of honey tea

and pigs in blankets.

I don't want pigs in a blanket. I want to fight crime.

I will take that honey tea.

Let's get you back to bed, Master Bruce. You need your rest.

I've rested enough. Gotham needs Batman.

And it will get him, once he's made a full physical recovery.

In the time you were in a coma,

312 new television shows came out.

What say we be binge buddies?

-Get me Jim Gordon. -We needn't bother Mr. Gordon.

He's making sure law and order are returned to the city.

We are so fucked!

It's a shit show out there!

I saw a dog kill a man on the street,

and then I saw the dog do other things to that man.

What, have you been in a coma these last few months?

No. I've been doing stuff.

Ah! You playboys, always doing stuff.

Must be nice.

Now, I brought a list of things I need you to pay for,

so I can take back the city.

One, police officers. Two, a codpiece that I can wear

that opens up and shoots a tiny missile.

That doesn't exist.

Not yet.

That's where you and your fat wallet come in.

Mr. Wayne is not going to bankroll your imaginary--

Tone it down there, limey.

Now, look, I'm the only one who can save the city.

At least, since the Bat abandoned us.

Are there no heroes left in Gotham?

Just a couple of amateurs popping off. Take a look.

This Yankee doodle dandy in a powdered wig calls himself "The Macaroni."

- -As in...

And you know the rest.

That wig's a walking "kick me" sign.

If you think that's bad, check out the broad in the bat suit.

They're calling her Batgirl.

That's futile. These lightweights aren't prepared

to go mano y mano with Two-Face or Bane.

Without Batman, people don't have the balls to fight back.

I got word Quinn took down Freeze.

That clown is a pain in my ass.

-Hey, that's not your chair. -

We're keeping it open for honorary purposes.

-That's your chair. -

Have some respect.

Oh, okay.

Does this rule apply to parking spots?

If so, I'll need to move my Volvo.

Look, I've been doing some thinking.

Oh, sorry, I thought that was a punchline.

Quinn's on a dare. And we're next.

Maybe we should consolidate power

and join forces to protect ourselves from external threats.

What, you and me? Collab?

Ha! You got your hands full with Banetown.

Hey, it's the locals. We say "Bane-ton."

The way you remember it, it rhymes with Plankton.

That's a soft rhyme at best.

Look, I'm not worried about Quinn.

Besides, why would I want to team up with the likes of you?

You don't even have a big boy chair.

I...

- -Ah, don't get your little singlet in a bunch,

I'm just having a goof.

So, are we teaming up?

-No. -

- Up here, dummy. -

Hey, guys, today's safety tip.

Instead of going to a party this Friday night,

sign up for a self-defense class. Right, buddy?

This is Batgirl, signing off.

Research, Master Wayne?

This sorority girl can't run around wearing the bat symbol!

It's gonna make people think I'm back!

So your quibble is with the unsanctioned use of your logo, sir?

A, it's not a logo. It's a symbol,

meant to strike fear into the hearts of criminals.

And B, if that little girl's killed while wearing it,

the city of Gotham will lose all hope.

Well, there's nothing you can do about it now, Master Wayne.

You can barely make a solid bowel movement.

Well, maybe Bruce Wayne can't.

But I know someone who can.

- -

-Who's there? -Always check your six.

Oh, my God! Batman?

I am such a stan!

-Hmm. -I'm wearing your logo.

It's a symbol.

And one you shouldn't be wearing.

Oh, frick! Is it copyrighted?

I swear to God I'm not making any money off of it.

It took me years of training to establish trust with the people of Gotham.

You're out of your depth. It's not safe.

I appreciate your notes, but I can handle myself.

-You were saying? -

Oh, my God, you guys,

I have awesome breaking news.

Batman... Yes, The Batman is back in Gotham.

Do you still have a million followers?

Actually 1.3 million.

Yeah, but most of them are bots, right?

-Batman is back! -Hmm.

Ladies and gents, going to need you to stay calm

while my associates and I relieve this establishment

of a little coin. You know I like coins.

Fill her up, sweetheart.

No! We're not afraid of you anymore.

What? Of course you are. Look at the guns and half my face.

Ow! Ow, fuck!

We're not afraid, 'cause Batman's back.

Just leave us alone.

Yeah.

Wait, Batman's really back?

- -That's right. Rebellion is in the air!

Batman's back, baby!

And with him, hope for the people of Gotham!

I'm gonna live forever! Batman's back!

You can wipe that smug look off your face.

That's not smug.

-This is smug. -Devastating.

I never said I was back. Batgirl did.

Yet, you didn't deny it.

And now all of Gotham is as full of false hope as an undercooked meat pie!

Enlighten me. Why can't Batman be back?

Still unable to reach your feet?

I've been rocking slip-ons. My feet run hot.

But if you think I'm too weak to get back out there and I'll fail, just say it.

You're too weak and will fail.

I am strong and will succeed!

Fine. Prove it. Put these on.

Come on.

Come on!

Oh, that's right, you can't.

Seems to me, the city's protector should be able to

put his sockie-poos on his feetsies.

But what do I know? I just took you in after your parents were murdered,

loved you like I would my own son.

Cared for you unconditionally.

Changed your diapers when you were in a coma.

You don't know what it's like to be a warrior.

I'll have you know, I was in Her Majesty's Royal Navy.

What did you guys fight over?

Who get the last scone?

On occasion, we did.

Your ego is writing checks

your broken body cannot cash, sir.

"Your ego's writing checks..."

Connect me to Lucius Fox.

Oh! There you are, buddy. Hey, I got a surprise for you.

- -Huh?

How does she ride? Ain't she a beaut?

Look, it's adjustable. It can be any height you want it to be.

It's like magic.

Yeah. I love it.

The lower lumbar support is helpful.