Stan Against Evil

Previously on "Stan Against Evil"...

Sheriff Miller? It's your wife, sir. She's dead.

I'm Evelyn Barret.

I'm the new sheriff of Willard's Mill.

Starting today, you're as good as dead.

This whole town's haunted 'cause of the witch burnings.

Of course, they weren't really witches.

Willard's Mill had a constable named Thaddeus Eccles.

You know how many witches Thaddeus Eccles burned?

172.

One person burned 172 people?

One sheriff.

And ever since, every sheriff we've ever had

has died an early, violent, horrible death.

Except Stan.

Pipe to the head. Never fails.

Not that I've ever...

done that to a suspect.

That would, of course, be...

illegal.

- Who are you? - He did not send you?

He won't let me go. I'm afraid he wants you, too.

Who?

You're supposed to destroy Constable Eccles.

I'm supposed to kill a guy who's been dead for 400 years?

If you continue down this path,

you're gonna find a time loop.

- What is this place? - This is the space between spaces.

How do I get out?

Please! I have to get back!

No!

Evelyn Barret, as Constable of Willard's Mill Township,

I, Thaddeus Eccles,

accuse you of the crime of witchcraft.

No!

Something ain't right.

_

Evelyn Barret, unholy viper!

I am not the viper!

You are!

Watch your mouth, blondie!

Oh, please!

Child of Satan, you shall be purified,

and nothing quite purifies like fire!

No!

Hey, I'm a pilgrim!

_

_

Stan?

Don't you remember me, buddy?

No. I don't.

I died in 1692.

You're in the wrong world.

How could I remember you if you died in 1692?

Figure it out.

Boop!

Oh, goddammit.

I can't get any rest when I'm sleeping.

Oh, God.

- Morning, Dad. - Hey, Evie.

I'm Denise.

Beg your pardon?

You called me Evie... again.

My name is Denise. Who's Evie?

I don't know.

Are you sure?

You have some girlfriend you're not telling me about?

You been acting real weird lately.

It sounds familiar, doesn't it?

But I don't know anybody named Evie.

Whoever she is,

she better not be some scuzzy hag with a dead leg,

walking in here,

trying to limp around and be my new mom.

"Oh, sweetheart, why don't you go

down to the packy and get me a pack of smokes."

You're not my mother.

"Don't talk to sass to me or I'll kick your ass."

At least my ass works.

"Don't talk to your new mother like that."

I don't like your tone with me.

"I don't like your tone."

I don't want a new mom!

Hey.

Where did you go?

What are you lookin' at?

Huh?

Punk.

Ah. Dick.

Hey! Hey!

Don't I know you?

Can I help you?

No, I'm talking to her.

How... How do I know you?

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to move.

Why, huh?

Do I need to call you the sheriff?

Go ahead.

Who is the sheriff?

You don't know?

Leon?

Hello, Stanley.

Leon, you can't be the new sheriff.

The new sheriff's a woman, or...

did I dream that?

The new sheriff is not a woman.

Well, we got that going for us.

For a second, I thought we were living in Europe.

Stanley, are you okay?

Oh, I'm fine, Leon.

Just in the wrong world.

I call this meeting of the Willard's Mill Black Hat Society to order.

Hmm.

We've seen him.

- Who? - The prophesied one.

He has begun his awakening, as was predicted.

Yeah?

The Chair recognizes Judy.

Before we get going,

I just have a question about snack duty.

It was on the e-mail.

Oh, the one where you CC'ed everyone instead of BCCing,

- that e-mail? - Judy, are you serious?

We've seen the prophesied one!

Okay, you know what?

If you don't want snacks, fine.

Just make a formal motion.

Well, I'd like to make a formal motion

for you to shut your word hole.

Oh. It's "pie hole."

For the record... I made pie.

But I guess nobody cares about that.

Nobody cares about you, Judy.

Well, what can I get you that you would like, Clifford, diarrhea?!

Anyway, we've seen the prophesied one.

I don't care anymore.

Huh.

Wake up.

Oh, mother's fudge.

Son of a...

Now what?

Don't be mad.

What did you do?!

I was thinking about chocolate milk.

I beg your pardon?

I was thinking I wanted chocolate milk.

And then I got distracted, and then there was a tree.

Stan!

Stan!

Evie Barret.

Who's Evie Barret?

I don't know.

But she's in the cemetery.

Hey, Kev-o.

Oh, hey, Sheriff.

You got a Barret back here?

Uh, no, I got a Barton.

Just came in, hot off the hearse.

Who the hell are those mutts?

Oh, that's the, uh, the Black Hat Society.

The what?

They're witches... so they say.

Well, what are they doing by my wife's grave?

I don't know.

This... This place is full of ding dongs doing all kinds of baloney.

It's funny.

I spent four years living in a monastery...

Good talk, Kev.

Yeah, I'm... I'm not interesting.