The Hard Times of RJ Berger

Previously on The Hard Times of RJ Berger...

All people can do is talk about this stupid formal.

You got your 99 slaps yet?

All you got to do is ask enough girls.

You're bound to find one that'll say yes.

I was thinking about going with the one girl

who's been lusting after my dong the whole time.

Don't do it!

You've made me the happiest girl.

Go with me to the winter formal.

There's something I need to talk to you about.

Well, at least you finally...

- What happened? - I don't know.

[Indistinct police radio chatter]

All right, move it back.

I told them to fix the brakes, man, but they wouldn't listen.

There just ain't no telling if she's gonna make it,

but we're all gonna be praying for her.

I took her for granted, coach.

I was gonna break her heart.

Hey, you... You hang in there, Berger.

She gonna be all right. She's a tough girl.

They're gonna fix her up real good.

We're talking about the bus, right?

Now, see, that was a joke.

That was to break the tension and lighten up...

I'm sorry, man. That was messed up.

I thought it was funny.

These things can go either way.

There's nothing we can do but wait and hope for the best.

It's up to Lily now.

My name is RJ Berger, and this is all my fault.

Dude, you got to quit doing this to yourself.

You're, um... you're dressed already?

What time is it?

It's time for you to go home, take a shower, get in your tux,

and forget about this for a while, man.

You've been here for almost 24 hours, RJ.

There's nothing you can do Miles, I promised her

we'd be together tonight.

We were supposed to go to the formal together.

We were supposed to lose our virginity together.

Yeah, but you're forgetting

you're double-booked with Jenny Swanson.

Okay, look. Look at this.

Don't you think God's trying to send you a message?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Nobody.

Hello, Miles.

Hey... hey, Mrs. Miran.

Uh... Y-you know, I'm... I'm gonna go see

if there's any vending machines in the hallway.

I take it you're not going with Miles tonight.

No, I, uh... I was supposed to be with Lily.

That girl certainly is crazy about you, RJ.

She's been crazy about you since you were little kids.

Since you were "Richie Berger."

Remember that?

Oh, my God, she was so excited to be your date for the formal.

You can only imagine.

I don't think the sewing machine stopped once all week.

But, RJ, all the worry in the world

isn't gonna bring her around any faster.

You know how stubborn she is, how persistent.

Once she has her mind fixed on something, well, look out.

You're telling me.

Right now all we can do is hope

that her mind is fixed on getting well and coming back to us.

Go, RJ. Go.

Have a good night for the both of you.

Oh, my darling, precious boy, look at you!

Okay, pictures! Picture time!

Here we go.

And a one, and a two, and a I love you!

Oh, you boys look good enough to eat.

Funny you should say that, Mrs. b,

'cause I'm wearing edible underwear.

Miles, if you're man enough, all underwear is edible.

Miles, what is that monstrosity?

That, my friend, is called

"taking advantage of someone's guilt."

Is that... Just a minute, Roger!

He feels horrible about, uh, you know, running Lily over.

He asked me if there was anything

he could do for us, so... So you asked

Mr. vehicular manslaughter to be our limo driver.

Dude, all I know is he got me a killer rate.

Well, you're both guaranteed at least one giant hummer tonight.

Dude, Robin Pretnar and Jenny Swanson

deserve to ride in style, man.

Listen, anything you ass napkins need tonight,

you just say the word, and Roger will hook it up.

I'm talking booze, rubbers, floozies.

How about you hook us up with some watching the road, Roger?

You got it.

Well, RJ, the moment of truth.

This is Jenny's neighborhood.

Looks like you're up first.

Now, look, pal, I'm a man of the world.

I remember high school.

But so help me Christ, if you...

Sorry. This is the Swanson house.

Keep dreaming. Dad! That's RJ!

Oh.

Oh.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, you look beautiful, sweetheart.

That's my girl.

Hi, RJ.

Um, is that corsage for me?

Oh.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Bye.

Bye.

Well, he seems like a... Nice boy.

Oh, yeah. He's perfect.

You look... Incredible.

You look pretty handsome yourself.

Listen, RJ, I know you have a lot

on your mind right now with Lily... You know what? Let's, um...

Let's... let's just have a good time tonight.

Deal?

Deal.

Dude, this is her neighborhood.

Okay, now I'm starting to freak.

Why?

I don't know. I just got hit

by the magnitude of it all, you know?

Everything's led me to this moment, you know, my whole life.

Every disappointment...

Well, we're pretty sure it's a boy.

Growing up poor... Oh, daddy, I love him! What's his name?

His name's dinner.

My mom dying... Lay this poor, wretched soul to eternal rest.

All right, who wants ice cream?

My brother going crazy...

My cat committing suicide...

But now none of that matters, because in a few minutes,

I'm gonna have the prettiest girl in Pinkerton High on my arm.

We're here, ass napkins.

What are we doing at Robin's?

What do you mean? She's his date.

Seriously?

I'm here to pick up Robin.

I'm here to pick up Robin.

What do you want?

- I'm hear to pick up... - Robin!

Limo's here!

Okay!

What the hell are you doing here?

I'm your date.

Oh, my God!

I was being sarcastic!

Pauline! Get in here!

Ugh!

- Some fat-ass thought he was taking Robin to a formal!

Look at this kid. Get his face.

This is too freakin' funny!

I'm putting this on the internets!

Take care, fat-ass!

What the hell are you doing here?

Funny, I was just about to ask you the same thing.

Who the hell was I kidding?

I'm a born loser, RJ... A fat,

ugly loser with acne all over his...