Alice and Steve

Friends are like stars,

even when you can't see them, you know they're still there.

-And Mike's star will continue… -

…to shine for all of us.

- -Goodbye, Mike.

-Do you think we're meant to go up? -Don't know.

-I think we're meant to. -Do we have to though?

Yeah.

Do you think April needs saving?

I talked to that man in the foyer and he was very, very boring.

Yeah, probably.

When I die, I don't want any of this truth bullshit.

I only want superlatives.

"He was a risk-taker,"

"Always the coolest guy in the room,"

"He was generous to a fault."

You will need to say that one probably 'cause no one will actually think that.

You aren't gonna die and you're my best friend ever.

And if there was a flood,

I would husk out my own mother's body

and use it as a canoe to get you to safety.

I appreciate that.

To Mike!

-To Mike. - To Mike!

- To Mike. -

Three, two, one, go!

We are the Olympic triple jump champions.

Keep the noise down will ya.

Sorry. Our friend died. Sorry.

- -Don't wake Daniel.

You two, stay down here.

-I'll get it and come down. -Okay.

- What are you doing, Alice? -Ow!

Hey.

-Hi. -Thought you were a ghost.

Did you think being in a crouch position would help you with that?

Uh, yeah. I do find that it sometimes helps.

Very useful against ghosts. I didn't…

I didn't know you were living here again.

I'm not. I just broke up with Janis.

Oh. Who's Janis?

He is my ex.

I'm doing my masters with him.

I'm sorry.

It's fine. He had the mean gene.

-Oh. Well, fuck him then. -

Aw. When did you get a dog?

-Hey. -It's Nancy's dog.

So cute. How is Nancy?

Uh…

She's, um, thriving I would say since we divorced four years ago.

Still walking her dog?

Yeah. Well, I miss the dog more than I miss Nancy.

Sorry. Mum didn't say you got divorced.

So, you with anyone now?

Nope. No.

Why is that?

I like to think it's because women are intimidated by my boyish good looks

but, um, it's probably more to do

with the fact that I find it hard to commit emotionally.

And, um, I also use humour as a shield. Uh-oh.

And, uh, apparently I can be quite selfish,

and that comes from two different people, so that's something I'm working on.

-A lot of reasons. Many reasons. -Yeah.

Are you sure you wanna do that? Last time you got very anxious.

I'll be fine. It won't be a big one.

- -Steve is… is, like, really upset.

I just feel like I should be there for him.

Mmm. You're such a good friend.

I know, right?

And you're the best husband.

Maybe if we wake up early, we can have sex in the morning.

Sounds good.

-Love you. -Love you.

Oh, Al, could you close the door please?

What are you doing up?

Getting a glass of water. You woke me up.

Oh, look at you in your pyjamas and your sweet hair.

- Mum. -

Sorry. Sorry.

Go back to bed, you got school tomorrow.

Love you.

If you only want one marshmallow and you…

Found it.

Found what?

What are you doing here? What's happened?

Uh, Janis and I broke up.

Yeah, I'm fine.

I feel absolutely no urges to rip his head off and shit in his neck.

Oh. Great.

I've decided he has Borderline Personality Disorder.

-Sounds right. -So, would it be okay

if I move back in just for a couple of weeks?

Of course! Yay!

I mean, not, you know, yay, but… …yay.

-Thanks. -

So, um, we were just about to go back to this thing, um, for Mike.

A bunch of us are, um… you know, telling stories about him and…

but we totally, you know,

we don't have to go out if you'd like me to stay and keep you company.

Yeah, I'd love you to stay.

I'm joking. I'm 26, I'll be fine.

Okay. If you're sure?

Yes, I'm sure. Yeah.

Have fun.

How old is this coke?

Uh, I don't know.

I think you had the same bag in 2005.

-I'm… I'm gonna wait. -For what?

Oh, my God.

Are you waiting to see if I die from the off coke?

-Yeah. -

I'll miss you.

Our friend died! He was in his 50s! Do you think that's old?

-We used to go out with each other! -Long time ago.

We've known each other for over 30 years! We met at the Haçienda!

She was on the podium. Giving it this. Like this.

- -Giving it like this.

These people you're standing with might be your best friends till you're 50!

How old do you think we are?

I don't know, like 60?

Fuck you!

-Sixty? We don't look 60! -We don't look 60!

They have no idea how cool we are.

I… I'm a clothes designer!

He invented the Nicole Richie bob.

He's Steve Wild.

-The Steve Wild! -You know the Wild volumiser.

You think you're gonna be cool when you're older!

Most of you won't be!

Won't be. Won't be. Might be. Won't be.

-Won't be. -Won't be.

Might be. Won't be. Will be.

Are there any good jobs where people stand the whole time?

-Conductor. Conductor's stand. -Yes.

-Yes. -Portraitures.

Yes. Maybe I'll cut people's hair on a stool.

-No one's ever gonna remember my unicorn. -"Not a manly job, Son."

Your dad is an arsehole!

I wish I was in love.

I wish I was in love and…

and had a baby.

Just have a… You can have a baby.

Men can have babies till they're 90. Just have a baby.

With who?

There are billions of people out there, Steve.

It's impossible that you won't meet one you like.

Anybody would be lucky to have you.

Women our age can't have babies.

So there you go, no baby for Steve.

-So get a younger one. -I don't want a young…

Ew, a younger one?

Why not? Younger women are just older women but younger.

Oh, no… …no, no don't, Alice.

No, don't. I'm not in the mood.

-No, I am. -I'm not.

I'm-I'm gonna find you someone to love. You deserve to be loved.

No. I'm not even sure that I do.

No, Alice. Don't, please, don't. Alice, don't.

- Sorry to bother you. -Hi.

-Do you have a boyfriend? -Um, no, but I'm straight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, me too.

Um, my friend over there, uh, he's quite shy,

but he's the best person in the world and he's famous,

cuts like everybody's hair.

He's done, um, Emily Blunt, Billie Eilish.

Uh, he invented the shaggy bob, you know, the Nicole Richie one.

Uh, and he's also the sweetest, kindest man, like, ever.

-Mmm. -And he's got money

and I wondered if you want to talk to him?

Um…

-Okay. -Really?

-Yeah. -Okay!

Yes! Yes!

She wants to talk to you.