The Hard Times of RJ Berger

Mm. Mm-mm!

So, uh-

Rj, um, has our little indian neighbor shown you

Her vaj majal yet?

- Rick! - What?

what he means is,

How are things going with claire?

Yeah, rj,

How's three weeks of finally getting a girlfriend

And still not getting any treating you?

Shut up, miles.

Hey, seriously, if I were you guys,

I'd think about covering the furniture

Before mount st. Blue balls finally erupts.

- Miles. - Hey, hey.

What's the difference between rj and dick clark?

Muh...

At least that dick had a stroke.

Oh, that is awful.

But is- is miles right, bud?

I mean, is that squirrel making you dance for your nut?

I really like claire, you know?

And if she wants to wait to do that stuff, then...

It's okay with me.

No, you really like jenny swanson.

But if you can't hit this claire girl slum-doggy style,

How are you ever gonna be able to get with jenny?

You have to not be scared to go for it, right?

You have to initiate.

Like if you're sitting next to her, okay?

Take her hand gently in yours.

Place it in your lap.

Like so.

Oh, there's something in my hand.

Oh, yeah, she'll catch on real quick.

It's like playing your wii.

Okay, easy, we're not trying to start a fire.

- Oh, sorry. - Yeah.

Miles, come on.

My name is rj berger.

And I'm never playing wii again.

* *

You'd think that with all

Of the skull fragments and blood spatters

That it would kill the sexual tension.

There's just something about miami, I guess.

Maybe it's the heat.

Well, then perhaps we should ditch the clothes.

Oh, I can't even look at it.

God, I've never seen anything so hideous.

It doesn't even look like a human.

This is gonna take more

Than just regular police work, sanchez.

This is gonna take miami police work.

easy now.

Easy.

Hey, man, they have these reports.

It's a.9 millimeter casing.

Hey ortega, what else did csi come up with?

It's getting kinda late, rj.

I think I have to leave.

Wait, you sure?

Okay, bye.

Your dad's right, man.

You gotta be more aggressive.

You gotta take it out and just-bam.

Yeah. You see that, baby?

That's right. That's my d-piece. Deal with it.

Dude, I don't understand what everyone's problem is.

I don't mind that we're not doing filthy things

To each other. Claire's awesome.

And I don't wanna do anything that's gonna mess that up.

Right now, I am cool with just

Enjoying each other's company.

hey!

What the-

Are you a little girl?

- Excuse me? - Are you a little girl?

- No. - Good.

'cause this is the high school bus.

This bus is for big boys and big girls only.

- Okay. - And let me

Give you a little piece of man to pussy advice.

When you say things like "enjoy each other's company,"

That makes dudes wanna punch you in the face.

I don't wanna ever hear that kind of talk

On my bus again, you got it?

And let me tell you something else.

I wouldn't go bragging about

How you're not getting any, either.

If I were you...

I'd start lying my scrawny little ass off.

Mm-mm.

Well... Congratulations, rj.

You just got advice from the bus driver.

I believe that's a new low.

Stacey is just a few pushes away

From being a teenage mother.

"harder, harder!" says the nurse.

Ironically, those were the very same words

That got stacey in this mess nine short months ago.

Stacey sure looked sexy that night.

But now...

- Ooh! - Well...

She just had a bowel movement in front of everybody

With her last big push. Oh, dude, what the hell?

Congratulations, stacey.

Too bad you can't keep the baby

And give those stretch marks up for adoption.

Teenage pregnancy-

Blood, poop, and ruined bodies.

All righty. In the minutes remaining,

I will pull a few slips from the anonymous question bin.

Um...

"is it weird that all I want to do

"is give my boyfriend bj's?

Like, 24-7." ha, all right.

Weird. Well, I wouldn't call it weird.

Actually, it's pretty common.

But you might want to mix it up an eensie teensie bit.

You know, like, uh, the sidesaddle french butler,

Like we talked about in class yesterday.

Yeah.

Okay, next question.

"I have two girlfriends.

"they both know about each other.

"they are totally cool with it,

"and we have sex all three of us

Like, a dozen times a week-"

This bin is for serious questions, you all.

Not for bragging. Next.

"is it normal..." mm.

"for a boy to want to wait?"

Well...

On the record, I'm supposed to tell you

That it's totally normal for a boy to want to wait,

But we're buds.

Off the record?

If boys your age want to wait,

They really should see a doctor because

They either have a serious hormone imbalance

Or they have a secret craving

For the warm flesh of another fella.

Which is totally okay.

And I was like, "hey, just call me the milkman, baby,

"'cause I'm delivering cream every day."

cream!

What, you trying to get me to touch your titty?

Put your hand down.

What I heard- I heard berger here's

Got himself a second girlfriend, huh?

Hey, you know, besides big boy over here.

yeah, yeah.

That, uh, that indian girl, right?

Yeah, there's no way he's hitting that.

No, no. There's no way.

There's no way you're getting your tomahawk

Anywhere near her wigwam.

Wrong indian, douche-face.

See, see, look. You touched a nerve, man.

He's definitely getting denied.

If I were you,

I'd start lying my scrawny little ass off.

Yeah, well, actually, as a matter of fact,

I got a tugger from her last night.

Wow.

Well, look at that, huh?

Rj berger got his nuts all...Drained.

Relax, bro.

You said it, they left you alone.

You did the right thing. Miles, I lied.

That makes me no better than those future date rapists.

I don't wanna be the type of guy who spreads rumors.

Especially about claire.

Dude, I spread, like, four rumors a day.

None of them ever get back to the person who-

Uh!

Have you been telling people

That I let you motorboat my boobs?

Robin, I swear to god, I never-

Courtyard after school, be there or be a bitch.

Wait, wait.

You wanna fight me? - No.

I wanna beat you till you beg for death.

I'm sick of you spreading lies about me, miles.

So I'm gonna spread your face across the concrete.

Ugh! Dude...

Did you hear that?

Miles. She knows my name!

You see what I mean, dude?

The rumor always gets back to the person who started it.

Now claire's gonna find out, and it's all gonna be over,

I'm a dead man. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What if you didn't lie? But I did.

As of now, yes.

But what if you can make the lie true

Before she hears it?

Then you're only guilty of kissing and telling, tops.

Dude, that is...

Genius.