Waiting for Guffman

First of all,

i want to thank everybody for coming.

Giving up your lunch hours and all that.

And, lord knows, very exciting for all of us.

Happy to be here.

Oh, me, too.

Absolutely. And let's just get our hands right into it.

Who wants to start us off?

I'll be happy to start.

You know what? Gwen, why don't you start us off?

Ok. Sure...

you don't need the pointer here, do you?

No. I don't need the pointer. Thanks.

I'll just hold on to it, then.

Oh, she's fine. Gwen?

There is a concern that i have

that i think needs addressing

is that we can't have the port-a-potties

too far off the main route,

because we do have a lot of seniors.

Uh, we've solved that.

We're gonna take the port-a-potties

and put 'em right over here.

They're not gonna be in the way.

We're gonna put a receptacle

over near arts and crafts.

This is the big bins you're talking about?

We've got barrels, too.

And we're gonna put the barrels on every corner.

Wait a minute. That's... that's the crate?

That's the big barrel, 'cause you got

the pie-eating going on right over here.

It's more of a dumpster than a barrel.

That's another thing. If anything happens

like last year with that pie-eating...

which brings me to a point... security.

Oh, god.

Security. I say we put a rifle on here,

a man with a rifle here, and a rifle here.

Protect the whole square.

Is that really necessary?

Yes. Remember how much we got egged last year?

Absolutely.

What can i tell you? We're pleased as punch.

We... we are so proud.

We know that whatever we do here

is a first for blaine and a first for missouri,

that whatever we do is going to be the standard

against which all other sesquicentennials...

that's the 150... will be judged.

The people of blaine are can-do people.

In fact, you know, there's an old saying in missouri

if you don't like the weather, just wait 5 minutes.

In blaine, i honestly believe with hard work,

we can get that down to 3 or 4 minutes.

Here in our sesquicentennial year,

we've got a lot to talk about.

There's a lot to be proud of.

And we're very proud of it,

and i think it's about time

that the world knows more about blaine.

We're chomping at the bit,

certainly from this end, to get it out there.

It all started with blaine fabin.

He was hired by 30 settlers

to lead a wagon-train expedition from philadelphia to california.

Uh, on the 14th night,

word has it they were sitting around the campfire,

and blaine said, "do you smell it?

Do you smell the salt in the air?"

He said, "we're here. I brought you to california."

And so there was a big party that night.

And the next morning, they got up. Uh...

they didn't see the ocean

because they were in missouri.

Uh, blaine was able to convince them for a little while

that it was just low tide and things,

but what had happened was that he had made some mistakes.

Bad weather. Wasrt familiar, perhaps, with the proper route.

But as it turns out,

everybody was quite happy to be where they were.

So they said, "it's ok we didn't make it to california.

We'll stay here."

And that's why i'm at this desk.

Well, i'm very proud to say that i'm a direct descendant

of blaine fabin.

I've lived here all my life.

As did my parents and their parents

and their parents and their parents

and so on and so forth.

I'm very excited about the show coming up,

because it'll be the first time

i'll have the experience of sitting in the audience

and seeing actors portray my ancestor...

the... the actual blaine fabin.

Being a fabin is not always easy.

Um, i can certainly understand how the kennedys feel.

I had been living in new york

and working there as an actor and director

and choreographer for 25 years or so,

and i really felt i needed a change.

I imagined, in my fantasy, i suppose,

that when i came here,

i would have a completely different life.

Uh, perhaps, um...

a construction worker

or one of those guys

that works on those high-wire things that, uh...

with the hard hat.

You know, that sweeping sort of hat.

And, uh, with the chaps.

But that didn't really work out.

I began to realize, i guess,

that the theater was still in my blood,

and what i had to do was make use of that,

so i offered my services to the high school here,

and they accepted,

and i began to teach drama.

And within about 6 months,

i had formed the blaine community players.

I got to tell you,

we are very, very excited about the big show

that's happening at the end of the festival.

Everyone right now is just going crazy

getting ready to audition.

And unfortunately i won't be able to audition.

We have to stock that day and can't get out of it.

And corky will not let me audition any other time.

So, "that's show business," is what he told me,

and, uh, you know, he's the master.

You gotta give him credit for that.

President mckinley did a whistle-stop tour

back in 1898.

And a little boy, jimmy mcbean,

made a stool for him.

And he loved it so much that he called back,

and said, "lookit, i would like to give more of these

to dignitaries who are visiting."

And before you knew it,

blaine is manufacturing all these footstools.

And that's how the big...

that's how we got the stool boom.

Blaine became the stool capital of the world.

My first show wasbarefoot in the park,

which was an absolute smash,

but my production on the stage ofbackdraft

was what really got them excited.

This whole idea of in-your-face theater

really affected them.

The conceptualization, the whole abstraction,

the obtuseness of this production to me

was what was interesting.

I wanted the audience to feel the heat from the fire,

the fear... because people don't like fire poked,

poked in their noses.

You know, when you get a cinder from barbecue

right on the end of your nose

and you kind of make that little face.

That's not a good thing.

I wanted to have the sense memory of that.

So during the show,

i had someone burn newspapers

and... and send it through the vents in the theater.

Well, they freaked out.

Of course, the fire marshal came over,

and they shut us down for a couple of days.

Mr. Bluestein,

montezuma's revenge is nothing more

than good old-fashioned american diarrhea.

Adult diapers

should never even enter the picture.

So you lose a few pounds.

My mom used to say that blaine

is a little town with a big heart

in the heart of a big country.

And, to me, blaine is a kind of town

where i can have my own business,

meet and marry a wonderful woman like sheila,

and... and be something, be somebody.

Some people find it ironical

that even though we run a travel agency,

we've never been outside of blaine.

With one exception.

Well, we've never been out...

you left blaine.

Well, i went to jefferson city once.

It was a...

tell them why.

It was a medical reason.

You can tell 'em.

Just minor surgery.

I've been working here at the d.q.

For about, um...

8 months, 7.

I don't know. Something like that.

It's fun.

You just do the cones.

Make sundaes, make blizzards, and...

put stuff on 'em and...

see a lot of people come in.