Rick and Morty

Morty, be sure to pee before we go.

This adventure is gonna be a long haul,

and I don't feel like emptying the jug.

Jerry, will you please just let me automate this **** task?

I didn't ask for anyone's help.

You two are welcome to leave.

Mom told me she wanted me to stay here

to make sure you didn't die.

Well, you tell your mother that I'm gonna be fine.

Don't train your child to lie, Jerry,

even though, you know, 'tis the season.

Then I'll tell her.

Whoa!

I told you, no more rays.

What ray did you zap me with?

I made your atomic matrix slightly lighter than air,

and now your shoes are heavier than air,

which makes you neutrally buoyant,

which I find personally more impressive conceptually

than walking on water, but what do I know?

I wasn't born into the god business.

I **** earned it.

Whoa!

Just to be clear, this doesn't mean you helped me.

It wears off in 10 hours,

and the next hit will cost you 30 bucks.

Like I'll even be using it in 10 hours.

Siri, set a 9-hour and 50-minute timer.

Playing The Beatles.

- I need to pee. - Nope.

Here, I've got a centipede you can swallow

that makes you not have to go.

I ain't swallowing no centipede.

What, you think the centipede wants to eat your pee?

You're not the victim in this transaction.

Uh-oh, flat tire.

How the hell do you get a flat tire in space, Rick?

Obviously from a sharp thing in space, Morty.

It's just crazy how much it feels

like getting a regular flat.

Oh, no, no, that's just my custom-programmed,

fully immersive flat-tire indication experience.

I-I can turn it off. I thought it was cooler

than the celebrity voice package, but here.

Flat tire... You should be... walkin'.

- Oof. - Yeah.

- Can I come out with you, Rick? - No, I've seen this movie.

Two guys leave the ship.

One guy goes spinning away.

You're staying in here where it's safe.

- Morty, goddamn it. - Come on.

I n... I never get to be out here.

Ugh, you young people think space is like

"Saturday Night Live."

You see it every day, so you dream of being in it,

but it dreams of removing all the air from your body

and making you float around it for eternity

as a flash-mummified corpse,

which is also what space wants, so get back in the car.

I'm not in danger. There's nothing out here.

Literally everything is out here,

and unlike everywhere else, I'm too busy to help you.

Right, because you're always so helpful.

Ah!

- God damn it. - What is that?

Obviously, it's a space snake.

T-There's snakes in space?

There's literally everything in space, Morty!

Now get the **** back in the car.

*RICK AND MORTY* Season 04 Episode 05

*RICK AND MORTY* Episode Title : "Rattlestar Ricklactica"

I'm dying, Rick.

I can see the black mountain.

People who are really dying don't keep bring it up.

- Is that true? - I don't know.

I'm just usually around people that die faster.

All right. All right.

J-Just let me analyze the snake's planet,

so I can whip up an antivenom.

Computer, you might want to put a rush on this.

Morty's starting to look like a '90s Japanese ghost.

Cutting corners.

Oof, oh, my God, these snakes are a mess.

19 billion snakes divided into 10,000 nations

all on the brink of global war over...

race.

How funny is that?

Imagine being a racist snake.

"Hey, other snake, I hate you

because you're the wrong color, snake."

Oh, my God. You're not laughing?

Oh, you're dying.

It's a miracle they were able to fling one this far out

before they slithered into extinction.

Oh, oh, God, I killed their...

What's his name, their Buzz Aspirin?

It's actually Buzz Advil, Morty,

and, uh, this is totally different.

It's a female snake.

There's an extra layer of heartbreak.

Wait. Wait. Morty, Morty, you hear that?

Listen.

Snake jazz.

Ha. Idiots. Let's get moving.

We've got a long way to go,

and I'm not sharing that centipede.

Rick, wait. Go back.

I-I can't be the reason why 19 billion snakes lost all hope.

That's right, Morty.

Only 19 billion snakes can do that.

That species was never getting beyond this stage.

To paraphrase the great Jeff Foxworthy,

if you bite your first contact on its ankle,

you might be a type-zero-civilization-neck."

What up, homeys?

Shooting hoops, I see.

Hey, who's interested in a friendly bet

that this white guy can jump.

Hey, leave the racial stuff off the court, okay?

Oh, I thought that kind of talk was part of street ball.

Well, now it's part of everything else, so chill.

We... We got off on the wrong foot.

My name is Jerry Smith. I live in the suburbs.

I'm only here because I have a certain power

I wanted to kind of celebrate before it goes away.

Yo, we got a Nazi up here.

Hey, I think there's a misunderstanding.

Here, just... just watch.

Huh?

Help! Help!

I-I need that shoe!

No, no, don't touch that shoe or that money.

Let them be a powerful but confusing monument

to our neighborhood's integrity.

Oh, boy, what an adventure, huh?

Hey, Morty, listen. I can tell you're pretty upset

about the whole snake encounter thing,

so I'll tell you what.

I'm just gonna go ahead and avoid you

for the rest of the day.

Play snake jazz.

I-Is this one friendly?

It's a snake.

You ever... You ever see this one look up at the sky

like it's dreaming of something more?

No, but, uh, all those ones marked with red sticker, yeah.

Any snake over 50 bucks yearns for the beyond.

I-I-I've seen them do it.

Ow! Damn it, Slippy, come on.

Ow! Just please.

I'm sorry.

Everyone has a plumbus in their home.

First, they take the dinglepop.

Ow! **** monster.

Downbeat.

How do you win this **** game?

We-We've never gotten that far.

Guys, did I not tell you to keep your eye on Jerry?

- We did. - Then where is he?

Maybe he's having an affair.

But for real, has anyone seen him?

Grandpa, did you trap him in a painting again?

I didn't do shit.

Well, y-y-you made him floaty.

- Asshole. - Made him floaty?

I saved his life by making his body slightly lighter than air,

and it expires in a couple of hours.

Expires, like he'll fall out of the sky?

He won't by in the sky, Beth,

unless it's possible for Jerry to **** up wearing shoes.

- Oh, crap, he's gonna die. - What were you thinking?

Hey, babe.

Jerry, are you in the air?

Rick told me he made you floaty.

Made me floaty? Pfft.

Got to love Rick's world view.

Yes, I had Rick make me floaty

so I could put up some lights.

Now, I'm at the light store.

Get away!

Sorry, this lady at the store is trying to peck me.

Yes, you can help me find lights after I'm off the phone.

We're in Rick's ship. How about we just pick you up?

- You're with Rick? - Well, why wouldn't I...

Jerry, I paused Beth with a device

Christopher Walken gave me after a record session.

Real talk, buddy, where you at?

- Go to hell, Rick. - Come on, Jerry.

I can recognize the sound of a seagull.

Can you recognize the sound of a man's pants

filling up with rain?

I hope to one day.

Jerry, I'll tell you what.

Because it's Christmas, I'm gonna do you a favor.

I won't let you die, and I won't tell Beth

that you almost killed yourself.

- Sounds like a win-win to me. - Come again?

If I survive, it'll be without you,

and if I die, it'll be on your ass.

Merry Christmas, bitch.