Seinfeld

You don't want to visualize your parents having sex.

You know what I mean?

It's somehow a very uncomfortable thing.

You know, in your mind that they had to have sex

at least once to have you.

But you still kind of maintain the image in your head of,

"Well, I don't know. I'm not positive.

"I can't prove it.

I don't know if that actually happened."

That's why I think if I found I was adopted,

that would really come as great news.

"I'm adopted? That's great!" I'd be happy to hear that.

That means, technically,

it's possible that my mother and my father

are really just really great friends.

I mean, sex is great,

but you don't want to think your whole life began

because somebody maybe had

a little too much wine with dinner.

Let me ask you a question. Mm-hmm.

You're a hostage captured by terrorists.

-Who, me? -You. Anybody. Whatever.

You're in the little room.

You're chained to the floor.

You're there for a long time.

Do you think they would ever consider doing a laundry?

They'd have to. It's in the Geneva Convention.

"You, take off your socks, pants, underwear.

We're doing a wash. Come on. Take it off. Take it off."

Hey, Georgie.

Hi. Hi.

What's the matter?

My mother caught me.

Caught you? Doing what?

You know.

I was alone...

You mean...?

Uh-huh.

She caught you? Where?

I stopped by the house to drop the car off,

and I went inside for a few minutes.

Nobody was there.

They're supposed to be working.

My mother had a Glamour magazine.

I started leafing through it.

Glamour?

So one thing led to another...

So, what did she do?

First, she screams,

"George, what are you doing?! My God!"

And it looked like she was gonna faint.

She started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it.

I didn't know whether

to try and keep her from falling or zip up.

What did you do?

I zipped up.

So she fell? Yeah.

Well, I couldn't run over there, the way I was!

No, I guess you couldn't.

I wouldn't think so.

So she fell, and then she starts screaming,

"My back, my back!"

So I picked her up, I took her to the hospital.

Oh! How is she?

She's in traction.

Okay, sorry.

It's not funny, Elaine.

I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Her back went out.

She's gotta be there for a couple days.

All she said on the way over in the car

was "Why, George, why?"

I said, "Because it's there!"

Glamour?

All right, I'll tell you this, though,

I am never doing...

that again.

What, you mean in your mother's house,

or altogether? Altogether.

Oh, give meYou can stop? a break. Oh, yeah, right.

Come on. Come on.

What? You don't think I can?

No chance.

You think you could?

Well, I know I could hold out longer than you.

Care to make it interesting?

Sure. How much?

Hundred dollars?

You're on.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

Count me in on this.

You? Yeah.

You'll be out before we get the check.

I want to be in on this too.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.

-It's a whole other ballgame. -It's apples and oranges.

Why? What? It's a whole different thing.

Why? Because you're a woman.

So what?

It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man.

We have to do it.

It's part of our lifestyle.

It's like, uh, shaving.

Oh, that is such baloney.

I shave my legs.

Not every day.

All right, look, you wanna be in?

-Yeah. -You gotta give us odds.

At least 2 to 1. You gotta put up $200.

No. A thousand.

No. I'll put up 150.

All right. You're in for 150.

Okay, 150.

All right, now, how we gonna monitor this?

Well, obviously,

we all know each other very well.

I'm sure we'll all feel comfortable

within the confines of the honor system.

All right. Come on.

Yeah!

No, Ma.

I'm not gonna see a psychiatrist.

I don't care if you do pay for it.

No. Discussion over.

Yeah, all right. I'll see you later.

Yes, of course, I'm gonna come by.

All right.

My mother wants me to see a psychiatrist now.

Why? Because she caught me?

You know, if everyone who did that

had to go see a psychiatrist...

Yeah?

Whatever.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

How is she? She'll be fine.

I gotta go to the hospital, see her tonight.

Yeah? It's me.

Come on up.

Hey, what are you doing tonight?

Date with Marla.

-Oh, the virgin? -Yeah.

Any, uh, progress there? What's the latest?

Well, I got my troops amassed along the border.

I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.

Hey, look at this. Come here.

There's a naked woman across the street.

Where?

Second floor from the top. See the window on the left?

Wow!

Who walks around the house like that?

Maybe she's a nudist.

You know those nudist colony people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Let me ask you a question.

In these nudist colonies,

do they eat naked in the dining room?

I would imagine it's all naked.

What about the chambermaids,

are they naked too?

They're naked, the gardener's naked.

Bellhops. Phew.

It's one big nude-o-rama.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Well, where's my money? Who caved?

Not me. Not me.

What are you looking at?

There's a naked woman across the street.

This is gonna be the easiest money

I've ever made in my life.

So my friend, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class.

I'm gonna go tonight.

Yeah, well, the waitress should've taken it back.

So, then, I got a call this morning.

You know, I was chosen to go on the space shuttle.

We're going to Mars.

Uh-huh. Have a good time.

I'm out.

What?

Yeah, I'm out. I'm out of the contest.

You're out?

Yeah, yeah.

Wow! That was fast.

Well, it was that woman across the street.

You know, you better be careful, buddy.

She's gonna get you next.

And then there were three.

I don't understand you.

I really don't.

You have nothing better to do

at 3:00 in the afternoon?

I go out for a quart of milk.

I come home, and find my son

treating his body like it was an amusement park.

Ma...

Don't give me "Ma".

It's a good thing I didn't hit the table.

I could've cracked my head open.

Ma, people can hear you.