Mo Gilligan: There's Mo to Life

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There's Mo to life!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage,

Mo Gilligan!

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Hey, hey!

-Take it down, please. Have a seat! -

Yes! Oh, that was fantastic. I felt like a rapper.

-Oh shit. Fantastic. -

So nice to be here doing stand-up.

I always say stand-up is my first love.

I do TV and stuff like that now. I love doing TV. I couldn't imagine…

I feel the majority of people have followed my journey,

especially from the videos.

"Julie! Get a couple of cans."

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Look at some of you. "That's what I came for. Keep doing that."

-"Keep doing it." -

Know what's crazy about those videos? I've done those three, four years ago,

but I'm always ready on cue.

Yeah? A couple weeks ago, I had a bad stomachache.

My stomach was cramping up.

You know when you've been on the toilet, and it's flying out?

Everything is annoying you when you're on the toilet,

like, "Get this fucking sock off!"

Cramping up, I had to go to the hospital, weren't feeling good.

One guy was like, "Yo! Couple of cans!"

In this moment of despair, I was like…

-"Julie, wheel up the blood cart." -

-I was just ready, boy. -

Sometimes people recite things back to me that I've completely forgotten about.

I was in Pets at Home, I was getting something for my dog.

This kid's looking at me, and I'm looking at the kid, like,

-"What the fuck are you looking at, bruv?" -

Out of nowhere, the kid goes:

I'm like, "Who is this racist little four-year-old?"

- -"I will boot you in the face, Oliver."

Then I'm like, "Oh shit. Okay, Netflix. My bad. Get up, Oliver. Get up."

-"Stop crying. Stop crying." -

Even TV, I do things like that now, I do TV show business.

That's what they call it, show business.

- -There's no business like show business.

And I'll be honest, guys, I'm still new to this.

Sometimes I lose myself. I tell you, sometimes I lose myself.

I was doing Breakfast TV the other day.

Could you imagine? Me, Breakfast TV.

They're like, "Mo, we're gonna cut to the break." Yeah?

They said, "Mo, we're gonna cut to the break."

Someone in my ear, "Cut to break."

I was like, "We'll see you after the break." I was just about…

- -…to do gun fingers, yeah,

in Breakfast…

This is the most gunnest of gun fingers, yeah?

I've even got the extended clip.

- -Yeah?

I thought, "Not a chance. I'll be finished."

You can already imagine the headlines with me looking at the TV like that, yeah?

The headline, "Mo Gilligan, friends with Raheem Sterling and Stormzy…"

"…shoots the British public."

With a picture of Saka for no reason. He didn't even do anything.

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Saka done absolutely nothing.

Witness statements,

"I was eating me fucking cereal, and he fucking shot me."

"He shot me." With a neck brace on. "He fucking shot me."

But I do like doing TV, man, you know?

Get picked up by a chauffeur driver. "Hello, sir." Opens the door for me.

It's mad. And I'm there in a hoodie and tracksuit bottoms.

Then you go there, right?

You have your name on the door. That is your door with your name on it.

You walk in, sometimes you get gifts.

Look at mine, went, "Oy, fucking hell!"

"Like Christmas and that." Yeah, every time.

It's true, my people. You get gifts.

You walk in, there'll be some flowers.

Secretly, I'm like, "No one died. Fuck these flowers."

- -Yeah?

But you might get some good gifts. The premium shows, you get premium gifts.

Might even get a little candle. Oh yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Not just any candle. A Jo Malone joint, come on.

-Yeah. Come on, man. -

Come on, pomegranate noir, you know who you are. Come on.

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But before you go on any show on TV, they have a research chat.

They phone you up in the week and pick your brains

about what'll happen in the show, what you been up to.

Now, obviously in TV, things can change last minute, my guy.

So a producer will come running into my dressing room;

Doesn't knock, comes running in.

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"Hey, what's going on, Mo? Big fan of your stuff. Love it."

"'Judith, get the beers,' absolutely love all that stuff."

"So, basically, we've just got a last-minute change to the show."

"You're gonna absolutely love this."

"What we've done, we've hired a costume, all right?"

"It costs about ten grand, but check this out."

"It's not just any costume, yeah? It's a chicken outfit, right?"

"So we thought we was gonna put you in the chicken outfit, right?"

"Then we're thinking, you're from the Black community,

do a bit of grime."

"And we've got this thing, right,

called the Cluck-Cluck, so we thought we'd remix it."

"'I'm not a cluck-cluck, that's not me,' all of that stuff."

"You'll be great. You gonna knock it out of the park."

"I know you love Nando's, see you in a bit." Boom.

He's gone. He's gone, yeah?

At this point in time, my people, I am absolutely losing it.

I'm like, "What? The Cluck-Cluck? The Cluck-Cluck?"

"Fuck that, I ain't doing no Cluck-Cluck." Yeah?

"Fuck that Cluck-Cluck, and fuck these flowers." Yeah?

"Fuck the candle as well."

I am fuming.

"The Cluck-Cluck in a chicken suit? Me?"

Now, when things like this happen,

I have two people that I like to call fixers in my life.

One person is my mum, yeah, but she doesn't understand show business.

I'll say, "Mum, can you believe this?"

"They want me to wear a chicken outfit and do the Cluck-Cluck."

My mum's like, "Oh! Are you getting paid?"

I'm like, "What? That's not what it's about."

"They want to put me in a chicken outfit and do the Cluck-Cluck."

"Good, 'cause if you get paid, I can get a new kitchen."

-What the fuck, I'm sorry, who? -

The only other person that really gets show business is my manager, Polly.

Now, I've been with Polly from the very beginning,

before any success happened.

Let me give you background on Polly.

Polly, yeah, is a lady

who moved to Peckham by herself back in the day.

- -Yeah. Yeah.

I don't think you understand.

She moved to Peckham by choice

-back in the day. -

Just had men trying it any time they could.

"Yo, what's going on, all right?" Polly wouldn't take no shit.

"Shut up, you pussyhole."

She wouldn't take any shit. That's why I know I've got her on my side.

What happens when these situations happen and I need to call Polly, this'll happen:

"Hey, you all right, Polly? Um…"

"Yeah, no, I'm good, I'm good."

"Um, yes, they did give me a gift. Yeah, they gave me a candle."

"Yeah, it's kind of broke, a little bit, on the side. Um…"

"But listen, I don't want to chew off your ear."

"Basically they want to do this new part on the show that they didn't mention."

"Basically, they want to put me in a chicken outfit,

and, um, yeah, like, dance and stuff like that."

"They also mentioned a bit of grime,

and the guy said, like, I like Nando's and all this kind of stuff."

"Uh-huh. Uh-huh."

"That's what I was thinking, that's right. It is racist. It is absolutely racist."

"Yeah. Okay."

"All right, leave it with you. Okay, I'll leave it with you."

Then ten minutes goes past.

We're gonna start the show in five minutes.

Then I get a knock on the door.

The most polite knock you've ever heard from this producer who burst in, yeah?

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"Mo?"

"Mo?"

"May I come in?"

"May? 'Course you can."

"Come in, Oliver Twist. What would you like?"

"How can I help you?"

"So, Mo, basically, we're not even doing the Cluck-Cluck anymore."

"We're just not even doing it. We just didn't fancy doing it today."

Now I have to act fake-shocked like I didn't just get this canceled, yeah?

"Oh really?"

"Oh my gosh."

"Oh, no way."

-"Oh man. Oh." -

"You're canceling the whole of the Cluck-Cluck?"

"Oh man."

"Ah, I was really looking forward to doing the chicken feet

-and, you know, skanking, and… Ah." -

"Damn, man. Ah."

"But what you gonna do? The suit cost ten grand."

"Yeah, that's right, they want me to do the Cluck-Cluck, yeah."

"They want me to wear the chicken outfit. Can you believe that?"

"Oh my gosh, that's crazy."

"Mm. Mm."

"Well, anyway, I'll see you on set."

-"Suck your mum. Take care. Peace." -

About… About…

The Cluck-Cluck.

Not a chance. I want a BAFTA. I'm not doing Cluck-Clucks anytime soon.

- -Yeah, come on, man.