Deadly Manor

Thanks a lot!

So, Mr. Navigator, how long before we get to this lake?

I don't know. I don't think it's gonna be too much longer, but...

Maybe a little longer than expected.

Shit, Tony, I thought you knew this area.

Hey, to say I know the area well is pushing it a bit.

I mean, I was up here once last year, but I was on a bike.

Here, now, let me see this.

Now, what's the name of that famous lake?

I don't know. It's... Wannapoppy or... Manawatta...

I don't know. It's something like that.

How are we supposed to find this place if you can't remember the name of it?

Lake Wapakonope!

Wapakonope, popey!

I can't find that here.

Well, it's really small. It's probably not even on the map.

Small, select, not even on the map. That's us, for sure.

What are you doing?

- Hey, do you know your way around here? - Sure do.

Do you know where Lake Wapa... Wapa...?

- Wapakonoke. - Yeah, where Lake Wapakonoke is?

- Yeah. - Great. Alright, hop in.

So, are we heading in the right direction?

Yeah, but it's a ways off. A couple of hours anyway.

Tony, I thought you said we were close.

So I made a mistake! Who am I, Jeane Dixon?

You're impossible!

Great. We've been driving all day, and still we're hours away!

- What's wrong? - Shit!

Flat tire.

This is not Lake Wapakonoke.

- You guys alright? - Yeah, just shaken a little.

I hope you have a spare.

Anybody want to light up? It'll ease the tension.

- So who's tense? - I am!

So who's this guy you picked up?

Just a hitcher. He seems to know the area pretty well, though.

He's kind of weird-looking, though.

- He is different. - One more, one more. Easy, easy.

Tighter.

Ah, there...

OK, that's it.

- Are you kids alright? - Yeah, yeah, just a flat tire.

Are you all traveling together?

Yes, sir, Officer.

We're going camping at Lake Wapakonoke.

Yeah, thanks for the concern. Appreciate it.

That tire won't pass inspection.

Oh, well, that's just a spare.

We plan on getting a new one on Monday when we get back.

Yeah, first thing.

You know, there's a simple way to tell if a tire needs to be replaced or not.

It's called the penny test.

See, if the tread doesn't come past Lincoln's neck, tire needs to be replaced.

Best check 'em every 10,000 miles. Just takes a sec.

That's very interesting, Officer.

Well, we better be going now.

Oh, we will make sure we get that new tire when we get back.

- Right. - Bye now.

- Thanks a lot. - Bye.

"And if the tread doesn't come past Lincoln's head...!"

Whoo!

How much further before we get to the lake, do you think?

I don't know. We still have a ways to go.

God, I'm tired.

Hey, buddy, where are you going?

Look, we're all tired and it's a long ways before we get to this lake.

It's almost nightfall. Let's just stop here for the night.

Do you know where this road leads to?

Yeah, off the highway.

What are you doing to us, Rod?

Don't worry. Out of the way is my spécialité!

Hey, look out!

Whoa! There's off the highway and then there's out of the way.

- Where's Peter and Anne? - They're right behind.

- Don't fall off, Peter! - Hold tight, Anne!

Where are you taking us, Rod?

Into the deep, dark, depraved depths of the woods.

Whoo! Can I pick 'em or can I pick 'em? This place is perfect!

- It certainly looks empty. - It's just run-down.

Must have been a great house.

- In its day. - And that's a lot of days ago!

Wow!

Whoo! Hello?

Holy shit!

Guys, I think you better take a look at this.

- What is it? - It looks like some kind of monument.

A monument? Sure, to Saint Bubba of the Demolition Derby.

It must be a joke.

I don't think so.

I don't like this.

Tony!

Listen, I just want to get a closer look, OK?

Jesus.

What the hell...?

- What is it? - It's a shrine.

Wow! Customized interior!

Major weird!

What are those dark patches there?

They look like... bloodstains.

OK. I've seen enough.

- Tony! - What?

- Someone's in the house. - Where?

Up there. Someone just closed that window.

- Are you sure? - There's no one there now.

I saw that window close. Someone's inside.

Let's just go check it out.

Hello?

- Anybody in there? - Knock once for yes, twice for no!

It's deserted.

Someone's up there. I saw them.

Oh, yes, Helen. Probably a bio-hazard mutant zombie!

I'm not staying here.

Helen, for Christ's sakes!

It's getting dark, it's getting cold, and it's gonna rain.

Come on, there's a roof here.

- Zombies or no, I'm staying. - Smart move, Rod.

Zombies never touch the braindead!

Tony, please, can't we just go anywhere else?

Helen...

This house scares me! I mean... just look at this place.

Something's wrong with it. Can't you feel it?

We can't stay here! We just can't stay here!

Helen, you're not making any sense. There's nothing here that's gonna hurt us.

Look, Helen, this house is dry, it's warm and it's roomy.

Do you expect all seven of us to sleep in the car

just because you saw the wind blow?

It wasn't the wind! Someone was up there.

I don't care what you guys are doing, but I'm going back to town.

Jesus! Are you serious?

Helen, don't be silly. Nothing's gonna happen to us here.

I'm sorry.

What is the matter with you?

Yeah, could you at least tell us what's bothering you?

- Yeah, please, tell us. - This house is evil.

Oh! An evil house!

Hey, maybe you'll spit up pea soup and your head'll turn around!

- Are you coming or not? - No! I'm staying here and so are you.

Helen!

Maybe we should just go with her.

She'll be back before dark!

Maybe we should go after her. It's a long way back to town.

You know, she pulls this stuff all the time.

Get into a fight, she'll walk off for a while and be all melodramatic.

In about an hour, I'll go and find her and be sensitive and all apologetic.

That's you!

Then everything will be fine again.

It's like foreplay.

Hey, come on, if we're gonna stay here,

we better find a way to get in this place before it starts to rain.

Come on, let's check around the back.

So how do we get into this zombie house?

- Why not use a skeleton key? - Peter, were you born this way

or do you make it a conscious effort to be an asshole?

This one's locked, too.

I guess that means we'll sleep in the car after all.

- That should make Helen happy. - Wait a minute, you're kidding?

You'll sleep in the car just because the door's locked?

Well, what do you suggest we do?

I could have done that!

- This is dreary! - Well, at least it's dry.

I hear coffins are pretty dry, too.

Give it a rest, Peter.

Sorry. I thought it was a bat.

Bats in the belfry! Watch out, Dracula lives!

Maybe he'll come out and give you a good suck!

No!

This is interesting.

- Oh, wow! A dungeon. - This will definitely scare Helen away.

Yeah. If she ever comes back.

- Tony, are you crazy? - Yeah.

Come on, guys, it's just a cellar.

Where's your sense of adventure?

- Oh, Jesus! - Wow!

Coffins! Those are coffins.

Motherfucker! There are coffins in the basement!

Peter, would you shut up?

Maybe Helen's right. Maybe we should sleep in the stables.

Or leave this place altogether.

Would you guys just chill out? They're not coffins.

They're...

They're coffins. But I'm sure they're empty.

Of course they're empty. I just don't wanna be here when the owners come back.

Look, I'll prove it to you.

Tony, this is gross!

There's nobody in there! See?

Hey, Tony, come on. Don't do that.

Come on! There's nobody in there.

- Ah, shit. - What? What is it?

I lost my ring.

Does that mean you and the corpses are now going steady?

Come on, Tony. You can look for it in the morning.

Helen gave me that ring. If I lose it, she's gonna kill me.

I just hope we're not going to be sorry we stayed here.

Tony, are you planning to stay down there for the rest of your life, or what?

- Isn't that your car horn, Rod? - Not by a long shot.

Maybe it came from the wreck.

Maybe it's Helen playing a joke.

- There's nobody here. - Except us chickens!

Peter!