Blessed Event

It's against all decency, Mr. Miller,

to allow dirt like this in your newspaper,

I demand that something be done about it!

It is pretty rough, but I just got back from Europe.

It takes a while to get around to things.

You can't get around to this thing any too fast.

I was the only one in the house that looked at the morning paper,

but since you've been running this filth about blessed events,

my wife and 2 daughters... even my maid...

Make a beeline for that paper.

It shouldn't be allowed in respectable homes.

Where I come from, we'd take a man like Mr. Moxley and ride him out of town!

I don't know what's come over him, but I'll talk with him.

Yes, Mr. Miller?

Tell Moxley I want to see him.

Mr. Moxley's on his vacation.

There. You see? I knew it didn't sound like Moxley,

but I'm glad you called my attention to this.

I'll find out who's running that column, and he'll hear from me.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Anyone else waiting?

A whole office full, and they all have kicks to register

about that column.

Say, who's writing this dynamite?

A young kid from the advertising department.

His name is Alvin Roberts.

We'll both save time if you dictate.

I'm no good at dictating.

What are you good at? You're certainly no good at typing.

I'd be if I could find the "H." Where's the "H"?

Q, W, E, R ...never mind. I got it.

Oh, nuts. Where's the "X"?

What do you want with "X"?

I want to "X" out that last word.

Oh, come on. Let me take it.

What do you got?

A blessed event.

Not another!

Sure. Hot! Business is picking up.

You win, Mr. Roberts. Proceed with the obstetrics.

Huh? I get it. Ha ha!

"The Thomas H."... And put in parenthesis, the way I do...

Lehigh Steel Corrigans, who were so quietly married late this summer,

anticipate a blessed event...

dash dash... "in October."

And put a lot of exclamation points after it.

Say, you can't print that.

Why not?

Well...

I know. Let the Corrigans worry about that.

Keep it up! I'm just waiting for Mr. Moxley to get back.

Think he's going to be sore?

No. He'll love these letters from people who're gonna beat him up.

Those are from Bunny Harmon and his public.

If Moxley allow, I could dig up plenty of dirt on that mug.

What do you got against Bunny Harmon?

He's a crooner, ain't he? Yeah!

Ain't that enough? Besides, I'll never forget the time he gets me canned from WNYN.

My mother almost starves to death for 2 weeks

until I get a job in the ad department on the express.

I see. A Roberts never forgets.

You're doggone right. If I ever get that guy alone sometime...

Hello.

Yeah, he is.

Yeah, I'll tell him, miss Sloan. Good-bye.

For me?

It certainly was.

Mr. Miller would like to see you in 15 minutes.

Wonder what he wants.

I don't know. Something tells me, Alvin,

you're not going to be with us much longer.

I worked for 3 years to get myself up to 35 bucks a week.

Ha ha! No, no no. Moxley wouldn't let them tie the can on me.

The last thing Mr. Moxley told you was to lay off those birth items.

Could I help it? I had to fill up the column.

All I'm doing is get the dirt on somebody.

Yeah, so I've noticed.

Well, I think I'll go down to the composing room and see how this stuff looks.

You're not really going to run that?

Sure! This may be my last column.

I got to have a punch line for the top.

Say, miss Price, I'm Alvin Roberts,

the guy who's subbing for Moxley.

Someday, when you've got time, I'd like your expert opinion.

Alright.

I've been reading your chatter for a long time,

I think everything you write is great.

Oh, thanks. Do you ever read my stuff?

Yes.

That's what I wanted to ask. Honest, now.

Just what do you think of it?

Well, now that you ask me,

I'd put it in about the same class as collecting garbage.

Hello, Stevie. Hello, Gladys.

When does George get back?

Expect him by end of week, if I live that long.

Ran onto a yarn about cony Bennet and Lilly Tashman

that I thought he could use, unless you wanna run it sooner.

No! If this fool Roberts got hold of it,

he'd have them with twins for the early edition.

Why'd they let him take over the column?

He was always running up from the ad department with items,

some of them pretty good,

so Moxley gave him a chance to show what he could do.

Nobody ever dreamed he'd run wild.

George will wanna kill him when he finds out.

He's not the only one. There's a lot of competition for the job.

What do you suppose those guys wanted to do?

Put question marks after that Corrigan birth item

instead of exclamation points.

Maybe they thought you made a mistake in the month.

You haven't met miss price, have you?

This is Alvin Roberts, Gladys.

Oh, yes. We've already met.

Hey. Looks like king's storehouse after the blizzard.

Look who's here! Welcome home. How are you, George?

H-h-h-have a nice trip?

What have you been doing to my column?

I tell you, Mr. Moxley, it's this way...

I told you to lay off that stuff about women having kids?

I invented a new way of saying it.

What new way?

"Anticipates a blessed event."

So you invented that, eh?

Well, I read it somewhere, and I remembered it.

You did?

Yeah.

Stevie, you were here. Why didn't you stop him?

I tried to every day, but he wouldn't listen to me.

What have we got a managing editor for?

Doesn't he know the libel laws?

It's a wonder we haven't been sued before this!

We have. Twice this week.

What?!

They can't collect. Ha ha! I got the dope on them both.

Have you gone crazy, using my column to print a lot of dirty stories?

I've a mind to sock you in the nose.

Good evening.

How are you, Mr. Miller?

You've been away, haven't you?

Yes. I just got in.

Is this the man that's been running your column?

He has. Oh, yes. Mr. Robertson,

Roberts.

Solicitor in the want ads.

I know. They'll have to get along without him.

If it's on account of those libel suits, I've got proof!

That's alright, my boy.

Moxley, I've been thinking for some time

that you're too good to be wasted on this column.

I've got a series of Sunday stories in mind

that ought to be right up your alley

and a chance to do something big.

Well, who's going to hold down this job?

We figured Roberts has been doing alright.

You like it, Mr. Miller?

In a way. But some of it's bad!

If I had the column regular, I could cut out those blessed events and stuff.

That's just what I don't want you to do. Tomorrow's column?

Yes.

The Thomas H. Lehigh steel Corrigans,

who were married so quietly late this summer,

anticipate a blessed event in October!

Holy smoke! That'll raise the devil in Southampton.

But that's alright. Give us more of that.

We'll change the name of this column from "Broadway high-lights"

to "spilling the dirt."

You'd put my name on it? Certainly.

That's wonderful! That's alright, my boy.

The job's yours, and the salary is $50 a week.

That's all? What's the matter? Don't you want it?

Yes, sir! Thank you, Mr. Miller.

I've just been telling Mr. Miller,

I think you've hit on something big.

Why, our circulation has jumped up 15.000...

There's no way of telling what that comes from, Hanson.

Giving Roberts the column is purely an experiment.

Yes, sir.

We'll hope that it turns out for the best.

Mr. Miller, he got us into 2 libel suits this week!

That's alright. Anybody can be sued for libel.

Come to the office, and we'll talk over those Sunday features.

Want you to do something out of the ordinary,

something distinctive, something that's unusual.

Alright. I'll go out and get drunk.

Going to wish me luck? I don't have to.

You must have been born with a horseshoe around your neck.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Where are you?

Take this, Stevens. When I snap my fingers, I mean parenthesis.

The following anticipate blessed events:

Mr. And Mrs. Louis Art gallery Schoenberg,

the countess Grace Vanderpool Vallenboy,

Mr. And Mrs. George Carfield Jr...

hello.

General maternity hospital.

Connect me with miss Greene in the maternity ward.

Hello?

Hello, sugar. This is Alvin. I got that job regular.

Ooh, that's fine.

The same arrangements still go.