Rob Schneider: Woke Up in America

Ladies and gentlemen, Rob Schneider.

Yeah, Tampa Bay.

We'll be seeing you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

It's so great to be here in Florida, I tell you.

Florida are the nicest people.

You guys are incredible.

You put up with so much.

You're so kind.

You have people every day just, just running over your border,

just flooding into Florida.

Just every day, just foreigners coming in.

I'm not talking about Mexicans.

I'm talking about people from California and New York.

These motherfuckers.

These guys, coming over here with their vegan

diets, and their yoga pants, and their rock climbing shoes,

you know.

And then, and god, you know, if you want to fuck them up,

give them a piece of cheese.

And they go, oh, fuck, oh I'm lactose intolerant.

Oh, fuck.

God knows, you really want to fuck them,

up give them a piece of toast.

You know, like, oh, fuck, I can't eat gluten.

There's gluten in there.

They're a bunch of pussies.

And I know because I'm one of them.

I actually-- I'm from California.

Gluten intolerant.

I'm a vegan.

I'm from California.

Now I don't mean to complain or anything because nobody--

you don't want to hear my problems.

You don't want to hear, probably.

It's like the thing is, it's just boring to tell people

what's wrong with California.

It seems pretty obvious.

It's overcrowded.

You know, the traffic's terrible.

You know, the taxes are horrible.

You know, the government interferes with every aspect

of your life and your business.

You know, it's just bores people to death.

So what I try to do is tell people

kind of a metaphor for what's wrong with California.

California is like a beautiful woman who used to blow you,

but she hasn't blown you in a long fucking time.

You can't even remember the last time she blew you.

You're like, did she ever fucking blow me?

I don't even remember.

But she's still spending all your fucking money.

And she won't let anybody else blow you.

And now she has homeless people living in her crotch.

My friends in California have million homes, can't

get out of their own driveway.

They're just brainwashed.

And then people are like, people go to live somewhere.

At the end of your driveway?

That's not good for them, either.

How far are you going to take this?

Well, they're on the lawn, but they're not in the house.

As long as they stay on the lawn,

people got to live somewhere.

Well, they're in the living room,

but they're not in the kitchen.

My wife and I spend most of our time in the kitchen.

Well, they're fingering my wife, but they're not fucking her.

You know, as long as people get a finger somewhere,

they're going to finger.

People-- these are people, too, if they need to finger, .

Finger people

so we moved out of calif-- we look different places,

you know.

You know, we went to north Carolina.

My wife's like, there's not enough Mexicans here.

And I said, you got to look around, honey, you know.

Be open minded.

Check the kitchen.

Look around everywhere.

Be open minded.

Look around.

We couldn't stay in California, you know.

The state of California make my kids wear masks in school.

So we moved out to the slightly freer state of Arizona.

The week after we got there, the schools in Arizona

made my kids wear masks.

My wife was-- you know, she said to me-- she's Mexican.

She said to me, are you happy now?

You happy?

We're freer in the desert.

There's cactus in the backyard and coyote.

Not the kind that brought me to this country, either.

Real fucking coyotes that eat your fucking pets.

You happy now?

The kids don't have to wear masks outside,

but they can't go outside anyway because it's

120 fucking degrees outside.

A week, the first week we're in Arizona,

first week in the house, my wife got stung by a scorpion.

Luckily, she's Mexican.

The scorpion was throwing up for hours.

We had to take the scorpion to the hospital

and get his stomach pumped.

This scorpion would not come back to the house

until we had the whole place sprayed for Mexicans.

I'm married in 13 years now.

And I think you know--

don't clap too hard.

It's the third one.

But you know, it's about communication.

That's the real key to it, is communicate.

Your wife wants to know that you're listening to her.

And we are most of the time.

We really are.

It's just sometimes you leave out information,

and then you just move on.

And we're confused like we're not listening to you,

but we just don't know what happened.

I'll give you an example.

Just a few hours ago, a few hours ago, my wife calls me.

And she said, Robert did you realize that the second most

popular plastic surgery procedure for women

now is vaginoplasty?

I got to go.

Don't fucking go.

Don't leave me with your--

don't leave me with that.

So the next hour and a half, I'm on my phone.

I'm going like, vaginoplasty, vaginoplasty, vaginoplasty.

And it's true.

Apparently, these women's leggings and yoga

pants are so popular yet, you know,

revealing that for some women--

how can I say this gently?

For some women, their vaginas are a little on the beefy side.

You know, ladies, you've been in the locker room.

That's more of an outie than in innie.

Yes, tuck it in.

Tuck it all in. Yeah, just grab.

Grab.

Just grab both, and just shove.

Yes, better.

Wow, too much.

You could squeeze that all together for a dick.

I'm sorry.

That's how my grandma taught me how to tie my shoes.

I swear, it's like just take the one bunny ear over the other.

Double knot if you're playing sports.

That's a big difference between men and women, you know.

You never see a guy go, yeah, I like the slacks, a lot,

but I'm starting to see way too much cock and balls

down there, yeah.

I know, I'll just cut off some of my balls.

Hit a ball, sack o plasty.

There's not been one ball sack o plasty performed in america.

I checked.

I checked just now.

It's an amazing time to be alive right now.

I never thought I'd see the day where

women would be misogynistically attacked in our culture.

It's unbelievable to me, you know, even using the word

woman now is controversial.

We have a supreme court justice on the supreme court.

They asked her.

They said, can you tell us your definition of what a woman is?

She was like, not falling for that trick question.

You almost had me on that one.

Nah, nah, no.

Not a biologist.

What?

Excuse me.

Everybody knows what a woman is.

A woman is someone who gets mad at you

for something you did three fucking years ago.

Biological fact, a woman is somebody who uses the tires

of her car as curb feelers.

Boom, Jesus.

You could've drove, you asshole.

Yeah, well, now no one can drive because we have a tire that's

100 yards behind our car.

A woman is someone who wakes you up

at 2:00 in the morning to kill a spider in the bathroom.

You said you killed it.

You didn't kill it.

It's still in there.

I didn't say I killed it.

I didn't say anything.

I went in there, and you didn't tell me how fucking big it was.

And I said, I'm not going to deal with this shit right now.

I don't have any pants on.

I don't want to cut it in half, and the other half

lands on my balls and I got to get a ball sack o plasty.

A woman is someone who makes you check every door

and lock in the house after she just checked every door

and locked in the house.

Did you check the garage?

For what?

To see if it's closed.