House of Guinness

And when I first came to town

they bought me drinks a'plenty

now they've changed their tune

hand me the bottles empty

and if I was where I would be…

All of you, gather round! I have things to say!

Get out here in the yard, all of you!

Last night, men of poor judgment

elected to leave open the gates to this yard

to allow men of poor character to get inside.

These men of poor character

call themselves the Irish republican brotherhood.

But, as you can see,

they're no brothers of ours.

Now, some of you will know

who unlocked the gates and left them open.

Yesterday, men of my own religion,

some catholic men and women,

tried to disrupt the funeral of a man

to whom we owe a debt of gratitude.

These fenians will use any excuse to divide us,

to separate the one from the other, the green from the orange.

I used due force to remove them, nothing more.

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link,

and we have some weak links among us.

Someone knows someone who knows someone

who knows someone

who… knows someone.

And that someone

we must identify.

The walls to the lavatory over there

that were built by the late sir Benjamin for us, for our comfort and dignity,

they are white walls.

The remains of our barrels… is black ash.

Any of yous who know who left open the gates

will write the names of those men, in black ash,

on the white walls of the shit house.

You will do this behind a locked door

so you can do god's work anonymously.

The culprits whose names are written

will be dealt with according to god's law.

Until the culprits' names appear on the walls of the lavatory,

there will be quarter-day shifts.

Due to the shortage of barrels.

And your pay will reflect the three-quarter cut.

I can see that I've made myself clear.

Use the chains that I dragged up here

to secure the back gates to the cooperage.

Sorry.

Before we begin,

let me offer my sincerest condolences to you all for your grievous loss.

But now sir Benjamin has been interred and accepted into heaven,

it is time to settle his affairs.

First, let me inform you that, along with the brewery estate,

there is, in sir Benjamin's personal accounts,

a total in accrued savings

of £1,100,000.

This, along with the entirety of his estate,

buildings, industries, ships, locomotives,

goods yards, houses and land

will be distributed among you all gathered here today.

For further clarity, all reference to land and estates

in this last will and testament that I am about to read

will consist of the following residences and tracts.

The ashford estate in connacht, the doon estate, the cong estate,

substantial land holdings in connemara,

large parts of county kerry, the rosshill estate,

the parish of kilcrohane.

I know I've been pissed for four years, but I thought it's just ashford and doon.

Shh.

…estate of iveagh house at St. Stephen's green,

St. Anne's estate at Dublin bay,

and, of course, the brewery of St. James's gate,

leased to the guinness family for an annual fee of £45

for 9,000 years,

along with the perpetual right to take and to keep water, fish and eels

from the river liffey, and to use it as a gateway to the world.

Understood. Get on with it.

Shh…

Now, to the division.

Before the land estates, the will deals first with the brewery.

This is his testament.

"I, sir Benjamin Lee guinness, hereby give, devise, and bequeath

all my said brewery concerns to my eldest son,

Arthur Edward guinness,

and to Edward Cecil guinness,

"jointly and equally."

"And I direct that said premises so left and bequeathed to them

shall belong to and be held by them and them alone."

"And I, sir Benjamin Lee guinness, earnestly hope that my said sons…."

Said sons only.

"…shall continue to carry on the said brewery business,

carried on in the same place by their ancestors for so many years."

"However,"

in case either of those two sons shall unfortunately decline to take to

or to carry on the said business,

I will and direct that the said brewery concerns in their entirety

"will be given to the brother who remains and does wish to continue."

"The brewery shall not be divided or broken up or given to others,

and I direct that if any of the said two sons,

Edward or Arthur,

do decide to decline or retire from said brewing business,

then that brother shall

"forfeit everything."

"In other words,

all divisions and bequests, including land and property,

shall be removed from any brother

"who chooses to leave the business of brewing."

"As to my daughter, Anne, since she is legally married

and in the care of an honorable gentleman, reverend William plunket,

I have no expectation that she might want to exercise any influence on

or expect any partnership in any part of the brewing business."

"And, since she is the ward of her husband, neither do I expect

that she will be in want of residences or land either here or in England."

"She will, of course, have access

to all of the above-mentioned estates and parishes

at the discretion of her eldest brother, Arthur."

Of course.

"Now,

to my son Benjamin."

"Having sought advice from god and from professionals in London."

I feel it wise not to burden Benjamin

"with the temptations that come with fortune."

Gone is the day

"I instead bequeath to him a controlled income from a monthly bursary,

and the level of that monthly income…".

Gone is the day, gone is the night gone is the day.

Fuck!

Fuck.

"To my cousin, Henry grattan, I will and direct that all bequests

towards his missionary work be at the discretion of my eldest son,

Arthur Edward guinness."

Gone is the day, gone is the night gone is the day

it's gone, it's gone, it's gone it's gone, it's gone, it's gone

it's gone, it's gone…

Ben, are you all right?

I'm naked,

alone,

stolen from,

and shot through the heart.

What have you got to remedy that?

We've got the good stuff in the back.

Come on.

Also,

Bonnie champion wants to see you.

It's all right.

Mr. Champion is tranquil with the state of your gambling account.

He just wants to have a conversation

about one of your brothers.

Come on, Ben, me boy.

Where are they?

Arthur is busy, but he's late back.

Benjamin, of course, I have no idea.

But where am I, in all this?

Well, it seems you are married.

And so… do you not see the miracle of it, Eddie?

Our father has managed to bequeath millions in money and land

and yet make all of us unhappy.

Well, at least in that, he was even-handed.

- Do you think he knew about me? - Knew what about you?

You know, that I am capable of things.

That I am not this lady ministering and swishing.

- And looking down from great heights. - Father would never have dreamed…

He has tied you to Arthur and has tied me to my husband

because I have no alternative.

You had no alternative anyway.

And your search… for an alternative

was, to say the least, reckless.

Unsuitable is the kindest word I can use for it.

You mean the man who caught me when I fell.

I fell, and he caught me and laid me down.

- I don't need details. - None of it was planned.

We should talk about the practicalities.

Nothing is practical.

I didn't know you had arrived, madam. Is there anything you need?

Privacy… above all else.

And discretion, thank you.

Lately,

since getting married, but not, I think, because of it,

I have been feeling out of control with myself.

My mind, I mean.

And also my body.

Have you noticed anything in the way that I move?

- The way I walk? - Have you seen Dr. Ray?

I wish to god I had a sister.

My mind is pretty full at the moment

with things that need practical consideration.

I have seen Dr. Ray, and I told him that,

when we are out on the estate and my husband is shooting pheasants,

I have a strong desire to tear the heads off the pheasants with my teeth.

Shoots can be pretty… tedious.

To tear off my clothes.

Annie…

And also, I am short of breath by the fifth stair on the grand entrance,

and it used to be the 20th.

Dr. Ray took some blood. He's carrying out tests.

And I cannot leave Dublin because I am a cat.

A cat?

Yes.

Who longs to be on the rooftops.