Lady Dynamite

I'm a pterodactyl.

Da, da.

Da, da... Daddy never loved me.

Da, da, da...

- Maria. - Hey.

To what do I owe this gorgeous surprise?

Well, I've just come in to pick up my check.

Ah! That's strange.

You should have received that moons ago.

I don't mean to bug you about the money...

it's just tight right now.

If you hadn't slept through the table read of Ghostbrides,

you'd have two checks.

We do have a point of order number two,

I need $10,000 to secure a table for you and yours

at my Touch the Children benefit.

I just told you, I don't have any money.

They don't have any parents.

Here comes one right now. His parents died in a fire.

Jalen, what did I tell you about the paper cups?

They don't respect the earth.

It's like a tamale husk. They just throw it away.

Should I get another one?

No. That's fine. I'll deal with it.

You know, instead of making a monetary contribution,

perhaps you could delight the little ones

with a performance of your... your charming comedic gibberish.

Bruce, I can't do a benefit for kids.

I adore children in concept, but they hate me in reality.

Let me demonstrate.

Hello, Admiral.

What do you enjoy?

Do you have sports or...

See, it's happening.

I'm not all that crazy about them myself.

Look, I choose to do good in the world in my daily life.

One-on-one.

Your picture's in the brochure.

Goddamn it, Bruce.

I know. Listen, I owe you big time, no question.

Fine, I'll do it... but I am not happy.

Are any of us... really?

Goddamn it.

Think it's cool to fuck up my shit? I'll fuck up yours.

Hey. What's goin' on?

See what this fucker did?

Oh, you have quite the eye, Josue.

Strong, bold strokes. I'll take it from here.

- Fuck you will! I'm gonna fuck him up! - Stop!

Lieutenant Maria Bamford, graffiti squad. Undercover.

That was a picture of a dog.

K-9 Division. Good collar, sir.

I'll see that the mayor hears about this.

Uh... run!

I don't know if you know,

graffito is an Italian word that means "scribble."

Hey, what do you want with me?

I don't believe in organized charities. One-on-one...

like, that's where change happens, and I think...

maybe I could help you to change.

Oh, I get it.

White lady wants to help the brown kid in the barrio.

Your enthusiasm will go away after a month.

How about we save ourselves the trouble,

and say our goodbyes right now.

Okay, Blind Side? Thanks for lunch.

Oh, no. But I'm... I'm invested.

Please. You look bored already.

No. I'm just anxious. You make me nervous.

- Brown skin makes you nervous? - No.

Young skin makes me nervous. Young skin covering bones and brains.

Can I ask you a question? Do you hate me?

I think you're fucked up...

- but I don't hate you. - All right. That's a first.

So, Josue, I have to do a comedy show for a group of orphans.

Could you teach me how to touch the children

so that I don't bomb at the benefit?

Yeah, but it'll cost you.

Yeah, I'm tapped. I don't have any money.

- I wish you took credit. - I take cards.

What? Oh, great.

Swipe.

Josue!

Hey, Bruce. Hey, Jalen.

Hey. Well, who is this strapping young gaucho?

This is my friend, Josue.

Ah, how do you do?

Bruce Ben-Bacharach. Artist to Artist Management.

You're that guy that doesn't send Maria her checks.

Zing. This one's got a bit of a mouth on him.

So tell me, Maria. What exactly is going on?

You hired a street tough to shake me down?

Just kidding. Or am I?

He's helping me. I'm his charity.

He's teaching me to be myself around kids.

So I don't bomb at the benefit.

- Oh. - I'm her mentor, and she's mental.

Oh, we're having the best time.

- Splendid. - Mmm-hmm.

How you doin', cowboy?

- How was that? - That was great.

What's up with her?

She's fucked up.

What about him?

He's a male prostitute.

She seems crazy.

You going to tap that ass?

No, Jalen.

Maria's a really terrific woman...

who's done a lot of work on herself.

I think we stigmatize mental illness in this country.

And that's not cool.

Foxcatcher Babies, take one.

What's that in your pocket, Coach? A gun?

Great material.

I was feeling guilty about Checklist being an evil corporation.

So I decided to lend a hand at one of their charities.

This one down in jolly old Mejico,

helping in a school that trained future Checklist employees.

Ole!

As the global spokesperson for Checklist,

I want to thank you for letting me in your classroom.

Let's have a round of applause for Checklist.

And all the wonderful people at Checklist,

who built an English immersion school here in Mejico.

Yeah!

One of the many global charities that Checklist has built and...

And who doesn't love a good charity? Anyways...

Now, if I hear any of you speaking Spanish,

we're gonna have a problema!

Ooh, slap on the wrist for me.

I just spoke Spanish.

Anyway, let's open our English workbooks

and see what Trabajito is up to.

Trabajito says...

"Keep working."

"When the floor manager asks...

'Who wants extra hours?'

Trabajito always says,

'Me, sir!'

When there's an accident on the floor, Trabajito keeps his lips zipped.

Because his eyes don't always see the truth

and there's a floor manager who knows better."

I like this guy, he's got good hustle.

Hey.

What's the secret, you guys?

Oh, you're so serious.

I have a joke in Spanish. It takes 12 minutes to tell.

So I'm gonna give you the punchline.

Surprise!

Not for everybody. No, that's been established.

My sense of humor. All right.

I'm gonna crack you two nuts.

I always have the six-inch vegetarian sandwich at Sabuey.

Six-inch vegetarian won't even wake me up in the morning.

Ah, you see, she make the sandwich to seem like a penis.

Ay, maybe if you put in your mouth,

it will become a foot-long.

Oh, artfully done, Consuela.

Home run! Everybody's laughing.

Except those two. Hmm. What is going on with them?

Hey, guys.

Who died? Hmm?

In English.

My brother. He died in an accident on the Checklist factory floor.

I'm very sorry about your brother.

Thank you.

- You guys want to hear a joke? - Uh, no.

Know your crowd.

Anyways, I'll see you around...

and let's keep it in English. Okay? Okay?

Too many people are dying on these factory floors.

There's a barbecue or...

We must organize and form a union.

Excuse me, shouldn't you...

be in class, speaking English?

Look at this, Miss Maria. What do we do?

Okay. This is Spanish. The devil papers.

This doesn't concern you.

- Oh. - Keep walking.

No.

Every time you speak or write a Spanish word,

you are taking a tiny inky little shovel and digging your own graves.

Your own graves!

Do you know why I'm here?

I'm the face of Checklist.

Do you know how much they pay me?

Is it the devil's money? I don't know.

It is the devil's money...

if I don't help you change your lives. Change your lives.

Give me those flyers. I'm doing this...

I'm doing this for you.

Nothing tastes as good as speaking English feels!

I know it's not easy to work hard.

Sure you can make things cheap if you speak Spanish.

But if you speak English, you can make those things even cheaper.

And I say to those bad apples, who almost lost their way...

"Trabajito is always watching you."

Sounds good.

Feels right.