The Bondsman

[indistinct chatter and laughter continue on TV]

Bail enforcement.

Jeb Tucker, come out with your hands up.

Nowhere to run, Jeb.

Don't make me wrestle you out of this flea trap.

- Fuck off! -

Fine. Have it your way.

What the fuck?!

Oh, goddamn it, they're stinging me!

Get the fuck off me!

The fuck?! Goddamn it!

Now, I warned you, Jeb.

Asshole, I ain't Jeb Tucker!

Billy Earle?

What the fuck are you doing here? Where's Jeb?

-Well, fuck. He ain't here, is he? -Bullshit.

I got a tip he was.

Yeah, dumbass.

I know.

Wait. Just wait.

Hel...!

Let me out!

You son of a bitch!

Motherfuckers.

Oh, shit.

Oh. What the fuck?

Because the Earles are hardcore.

If I back out now, they'll probably slit my throat, too.

Nah, bro, I had to grab a job.

My parents make me pay rent now.

Oh, shit. Shit. Oh, shit.

-Fucking shit. Oh, shit. -Stop.

-Aah! What do you want? -Don't move.

What do you want?

Give me those smokes.

You the one that cut me?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

But you work for the Earle brothers, right?

Yeah, they hired me to burn the place down. For the insurance.

And they stole my truck, too?

Yeah.

Oh. What the hell?

You were dead, bro.

I swear.

Get up. Get on your feet.

- -Come on. Now.

-Are you dead now? -Turn around. Let's go.

Wait, am I dead?

Are we, like, both dead, man?

Ah, shit. No, no, no. No.

Oh, God. Oh, Lord Jesus, hallowed be Thy name.

Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread. Oh, wait. No, no, no.

No, no, no. Shit. Listen, I promise you I won't--

-Tell the Earles I'm coming? -Mm-hmm.

-I know. -

Yeah.

- -

What the fuck is happening?

That you, Hub?

I'll be over in a few!

Whose car is that? It about gave me a heart attack.

I'll be right over! Goddamn.

- - You've reached Halloran Bonds.

Leave us a message.

Congratulations on joining the Pot O' Gold corporate family.

- -To schedule your orientation with a regional manager...

Keep quiet, or I'll cut your dick off.

- -...press star.

At the Pot O' Gold we make the impossible possible.

Ah, fucking telemarketers.

Let's chase the rainbow together.

- -

Mama, I need your help.

I need to find the Earle brothers right away.

What's he doing here?

Hub, manners.

You kicked my mama out of your church.

What do you want?

Ron and I were just discussing--

Your mother and I have been making amends

and discussing her returning

to the congregation... if--

If my son would just stop detaining skips during Sunday services.

I'll think about it.

Hub, that is rude. I am so sorry, Ron.

I'll let myself out.

Kitty, come see me anytime you like,

and...

I'll be praying for both of you.

-Thank you. -Bye, now.

What has got into you?

Mama, I need to find the Earle brothers tonight.

-They stole your truck. -Why on earth...?

I thought Billy Earle was still in jail.

Mm-mm. Posted last Monday.

Yeah, but his brothers don't have that kind of money.

-Who bailed him out? -Lucky Callahan.

Lucky Callahan?

Now don't get all bent out of shape about some Masshole

who don't know dipshit from apple butter.

Lucky will just go away as soon

as you and Maryanne work things out,

like you always do.

She just wants you to show up for yourself.

So, the Earles were just hired hands.

It was Lucky.

Now, what in the world would Lucky

want with my old truck?

Well, where you off to now?

I'm gonna go see that piece of shit, show up for myself.

Well, good. It's about time.

'Cause I will not have my grandson

becoming a Red Sox fan

under the tutelage of some carpetbagger.

Do you hear me?

- -

Your luck just ran out, motherfucker.

You've reached Halloran Bonds.

Leave us a message.

Congratulations on joining the Pot O' Gold corporate family.

To schedule your orientation with a regional manager...