Family Guy

We now return to Vedder Call Saul.

Okay, so tell me exactly what happened.

Were you on drugs?

Turn that off. I'm mad at TV.

Peter, what's wrong?

Family Guy has been around since 1999

and whenever it's time for the Emmys, they don't give us one.

I'm sick of it!

Well, I'm not making another episode with The Simpsons.

What did that get us?

I'll tell you what it got us.

More ink for The Simpsons.

Yeah. "Simpsons plays down to competition."

"Simpsons step into the sewer."

"Shame on you, Simpsons."

Those lucky bastards.

Well, this week, we do classy comedy.

Emmy comedy.

I think that's a great idea.

It's about time we made some quality television

like Modern Family, Girls and Transparent.

That's the spirit. Griffins,

let's make this our Emmy-winning episode.

So get all your pukes and farts out now.

- (farting) - (retching)

I mean, I mean, I mean...

not funny.

Kids, it's me, tu madre, Lois Griffin.

Time for breakfast.

- (music stops) - Oh, yeah.

Good morning, Lois, which is who you are.

My wife, Lois. Hugging my wife.

Package for Peter Griffin.

Thank you, unknown delivery woman.

Forget the freaking Emmy.

If you touch her ass, I will...

"Amazon."

Ay, my Uncle Alejandro lives in the Amazon.

Do you think he has sent us shoes made from banana leaves?

Boy, the, uh, the ethnic characters

on these Emmy-winning shows

aren't exactly rocket scientists, are they?

I don't know what you talkin' about, Liz Lemon.

No, this is something I ordered, for me.

I am a woman and always have been.

I've made plans to undergo surgery

so my wang don't get in the way of the woman what I am.

Ay, dios mio.

Lois, I'll still be a parent to our children.

But now I'll be a trans-parent.

Get it? Transparent?

Clever pun, right?

Please, honor me for my courage.

I think gender-reassignment surgery is very brave

and the fat man should win some kind of award for it.

The fat woman.

He hasn't chopped it off yet.

That doesn't matter.

Peter already identifies as a woman.

And on karaoke night, I identify as George Michael.

That doesn't mean it's true.

Brian's just mad because he has to be the lady one.

Which makes you the one who's gay in real life.

Daddies, I'm standing here, delivering my line

with more emotion and less of a monotone

than the actual Lily on Modern Family.

I'm now confident enough to share my truth

with the rest of my loved ones, beginning with my son, Chris.

Bazinga, Father.

Assuming father is still the appropriate designation.

What-what are you doing?

Waiting for the laugh to die down.

I'm here because I've decided

to become the woman I am inside.

Can you find it in your heart to accept me?

Oh, Dad, science has moved so far past

binary gender construction.

And if being a woman makes you happy,

then in the words of Mr. Spock, "It's only logical."

Wow, I couldn't follow any of that,

but look how smart your audience is.

Ha-ha.

Louis C.K.?

Is that you?

Yup. I'm a big fan of yours, Peter.

Wow, that's great because if Louis C.K. likes something,

- everyone has to. - That's right.

Well, I'm glad my popularity has cooled off just enough

that you were able to get me to do this.

Bye, Peter.

Boy, he's not afraid to go there, I'm told.

- Norm! - Norm! - Norm!

Ative gender roles have been turned upside down.

Correct, Quagmire.

I'm going in for gender-reassignment surgery.

What the hell, Peter?!

First my dad and now you?

Am-am I... is it... am I doing this to people?

Is it... do you guys feel like cutting off your penises?

No, but I can turn it inside out like rolling up a dress sock.

You guys aren't supporting my choice?

Well, what do you expect, Peter?

I-I mean a sex change operation?

Why are you doing this?

I'll tell you why I'm doing all of this.

For me.

M-E. M-E.

I'm doing it for M-E.

Ew. I mean, yay!

Man or woman, I'm a big fat joke.

No one takes me seriously.

I do, Dad.

You've inspired me to nakedly eat this cake in a weird place.

Thanks to you, I now believe in me.

Me.

M-E.

I believe in M-E.

: Okay, okay, all right.

Don't want one that bad.

Peter, I'd like to introduce the surgeon

who will perform your procedure today.

Dr. Wang Gon.

Wow, I can't believe all you guys came out to support me.

You guys aren't just the best friends I've ever had.

You're also the best comedy.

- Aw. - Aw. - Aw.

Great job, everyone.

If that don't get us the Emmy, nothing will.

Where do you think you're going?

Doc, I'm not actually going through with the operation.

I'm going home.

We're doing this whether you like it or not.

Doc, no. Stop him! Somebody help!

You want the Emmy, don't you?

And that is how I became your mother.

So, the Emmy committee

watched our submission for Best Comedy?

Uh-huh.

All right, thank you.

They hated it so much, they gave us a negative Emmy.

We now owe them an Emmy.

The Emmys aren't fair.

I mean, shows like Nurse Jackie are basically dramas,

but they get comedy awards all the time.

That's it.

We'll sneak into the drama category.

That's how we'll win the Emmy with dark, confusing plot twists

like on Homeland or Mad Men.

Ooh, or Breaking Bad.

Or Mr. Robot Chicken.

No, Chris, it's Mr. Robot.

- Chicken. - Mr. Robot.

- Chicken! - No, no, Chris, you see,

Mr. Robot is a critically acclaimed show.

Robot Chicken is something kids used to watch in 2006.

It's basically four minutes of nonsense

on at 1:00 in the morning breaking up personal injury ads.

Chicken.

Please, don't.

Why... won't...

you... die?!

Shh.

Shh, that's right.

I'm your dad.

Your gentle, suburban dad.

Oh, what a twist. Shh.

Hey, Dad.

Sure must be tough having a son

with goofy noodle legs like mine.

Chris, I love you

no matter how useless you are in a paddle boat.

Peter, those crows keep getting in.

This whole house is falling apart.

It's okay, my long-suffering, quietly dissatisfied wife.

We'll get everything repaired.

How? We can't afford it.

We have to pay for Chris's doctor bills

and meds for our daughter in the CIA.

Damn, she's good at her job.

How are we ever gonna pay all these bills

that have been perfectly ripped across the top

so the words "past due" are visible?