The Great and Terrible Day of the Lord

So tell me your deepest, darkest secret.

Pass.

Come on, pass?

I want to know.

I don't want you to know.

Come on, let's take these in.

Wow.

It's bigger than I expected.

Yeah, I used to love coming here as a kid.

Which way's our room?

I want to unpack before we do anything else.

You trust me, right?

Yeah, of course.

Then tell me.

No, thank you.

I assume the master bedroom is upstairs?

Yeah.

Not gonna happen, big guy.

I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.

Final offer.

I don't want to know yours.

I want us to like each other.

Hey, I believe as of Monday,

we now love each other.

Mhmm, and I want to keep it that way.

I just figured that if we're ready to go away

for a weekend together,

that we're ready to tell each other

these kinds of things, huh?

Oh yeah, is that what you just figured?

It makes sense to me.

I'm sure it does.

So let's do it.

Let's do it, let's get heavy.

I don't want to get heavy, Michael.

I want to nest.

This is my favorite part about going away.

It is?

Mhmm, getting cozy somewhere unfamiliar.

What's your favorite part?

The going away.

Come on, let's take a break.

Oh, let's have a drink.

We just drove like six hours.

Can I get a 20 minute raincheck?

No, you may not.

House rules, actually.

First, a tour, then a drink.

Then the chores.

House rules?

10 minutes, then you can show me around.

No can do.

You are already on the tour.

First stop, the master bedroom

where I hope to make a considerable impression.

Oh, I see, you brought me up here to seduce me.

It's also a house rule

to get seduced during your stay, so.

Well I bet that made the family trips pretty awkward.

It did.

Back here behind you is the back patio.

This is the upper balcony.

The view is killer.

Staircase connects these patios on each floor.

Back through here

is the most luxurious bathroom in the world

for all your nose powdering needs and whatnot.

Through here are some spare bedrooms.

Bathroom at the end of the hall.

Can't get over the decor.

Yeah, grandparents have good taste.

Ooh, I'd say.

Ah, help yourself.

There's a fireplace, sitting area.

This is where the kids always played

while the adults got drunk.

And here is another back patio.

I used to love sitting out here and looking at deer

and stuff.

Thanks.

Oh, and here is where I will showcase

my second most memorable skillset.

You better.

You better. I did not come all this way for TV dinners.

Don't worry, we're feasting this weekend.

Oh, hang on.

Through here are

just some extra bedrooms.

It's where the kids always stayed.

Yeah, you know, I think that this

is the most exciting part of the tour so far.

Well, it's where the magic happens, so.

Okay.

Down here is the den.

It's got an entertainment center, which is pretty cool

but there's no cable or internet up here.

So we're kind of stuck with my grandparents' DVD collection.

Hope you don't mind.

And this is a bathroom.

And this is the last bedroom.

I used to come hide in here whenever I wanted to be alone.

Never worked though.

That's a back patio on the ground floor

and that's pretty much it.

I'm so jealous you got to come here as a kid.

You should be.

I mean, it was awesome.

Well, there is actually one perk from me

that you never had on any of your trips.

And what is that?

The world's most amazing and handsome tour guide.

Ooh, now who's seducing who, huh?

I'm just calling it how I see it.

Love?

Love.

Oh, there's one more thing

that I've not told you about this room.

What's that?

This is the place where you tell me

your deepest, darkest secret.

Hey.

We were having a nice moment.

We still are.

Nope.

Not having this conversation.

I just want to enjoy each other's company

and be in love.

Isn't telling each other these kinds of things

a part of being in love?

Okay, this isn't like when you asked me

my most embarrassing moments.

That I could handle.

Oh, you can handle this.

Come on.

I believe in you.

Yeah, well, it's not fun stuff.

I want to know everything about you.

Not just some fun stuff.

Another time?

You love me, right?

Very much.

And you trust me?

Yeah.

Then what's the hold up?

I don't want to.

Okay?

Look, things are going well here.

I don't need to give you reasons

to rethink this half a day's drive from home.

Oh my God.

Is what we have so superficial that you think

you can tear it up just with one little story?

Probably not.

Then let's do it.

Come on, let's get heavy.

Let's get vulnerable.

Vulnerable?

Yeah.

Okay, fine.

If it means that much to you.

Okay, awesome.

So our last stop on the tour

is Gabby's memories.

Oh wait, what's yours?

You said that you would tell me yours first.

But I said that like 20 minutes ago.

So it's not really that big of a-

You said, so

I'm cashing in on that offer fair and square.

Okay.

But you have to promise me

that you're going to tell me after.

Okay.

So when I was in college,

I was in this play, right?

I played a soldier.

The costume was legit.

And so in between semesters, I had to fly home

and I got the bright idea

to wear my costume to the airport.

I never thought it would work.

It did work.

And not only for getting onto the plane,

but once I was on there,

a lady got up and offered me her seat.

And that is still the only time I've ever flown first class.

It's not that bad.

Of course it is.

You can't impersonate the military in real life.

It's like a crime or something.

I mean, I wouldn't put that on your resume or anything.

But if that is your deepest, darkest secret,

you're pretty clean, dude.

Yeah, I can't tell you mine now.

It's a way worse.

Nuh uh, you promised.

You can't prove that in a court of law.

Hey, I trusted you.

Okay.

So do you remember how I told you