Noobz

You know that there are over one billion

gamers worldwide? And that the average age of a gamer

is 37-years-old?

The anatomy of a gamer looks something like this.

First off is hand-eye coordination.

A true gamer could flick an atom off a gnat's ass

as it flew by. True story.

Next up, posture, which really doesn't matter

because owning people can be done from any position.

I once got sniped by a guy who said he was in the middle of intercourse.

He sent me a pic to prove it.

I mean, getting sniped was the least of my worries.

I didn't even know my mom liked gamers.

You see, gamers are the new athletes.

But most people wouldn't know that. They just go to bars

and cheer for people that they will never meet in person.

- What the...? - They fail to realize

that there is a cyber-athlete in just about every home

in this world. So, unfortunately,

we have to put up with people like this.

- Yes! - Watch it! Geek!

This chick isn't fooling us. We know exactly how her Friday nights will go:

- Making Daddy proud. -

Ah! This party's so sick, man!

It's time to recognize the new athletes of the 21st century.

These trolls will try to compete, but to us gamers,

they will always be a bunch of noobz.

? I hate the way you chose me as someone to love to try to impress me with your lies ?

? Number nine

? I would rather watch The Sound of Music in my pajamas Take a walk on the wild side ?

? Number eight

? Did you know that you just shut up for just one second ?

? That a feeling of joy and happiness will appear ?

[making video game, shooting sounds]

? Your bullshit...

OK.

Got you an eight and an eight and a half.

Oh, my God!

Wow!

Just slide it in real nice.

Oh, my...

Come on, you apes! You wanna live forever?!

Yeah! Kill 'em all!

Kill 'em all!

What? I can't get on, man. I just started an open house.

Dude, that is right. Open house, all right?

So open the door, let those bitches in, all right?

So you can go home and log on.

We gotta play the Black Assassins!

We just played them, man. They beat our ass every single time. I hate those kids.

Dude, it's the clan generator. Random pick.

It's the last time we're gonna get to play the Assassins before the tourney.

I told you, man, quit talking about that damn tourney. I'm broke, dude.

- This housing market sucks. - Dude, listen to me. You're fourth in the world.

We're all broke. The tourney's the only thing you should be thinking about.

I'd be number on if I didn't have to work this stupid-ass job.

I gotta sell a house so my wife will quit bitching at me. Then I can play.

Well, look, think how happy you'll be and she'll be when you're splitting up

that fat, fat championship money, baby.

You know what? She'll be so happy, she'll be like, "Oh!"

And you'll be like, "Eh!"

And you'll be like, "Ooh!"

You're an idiot, dude.

All right, listen, I got a couple of raisins walking up.

I'm gonna throw some cards on the counter,

and when Alzheimer's sets in, I'm gonna duck out.

I'll be on in 20.

- Hi! How are you? - Hi. Fine!

What a lovely dead animal you got draped across your neck.

Did you kill that yourself? Let's go on in. Thank you.

Oh, that's... excellent. OK. Thanks.

All right. So it's a house. You know that.

Andy! Yo, give me some news.

Clan match, Black Assassins, one hour, boy.

Nice! Yeah, we need all the practice we can get, so it's good.

Practice? This is a real match, princess.

- You better be there. - Yeah, well, I'm in either way.

- So... hold on. - Yoo-hoo!

How's this look?

Uh... you know what? You, um... you were right.

You are a small. I don't know what I was thinking.

I've been trying on clothes a lot longer than you wanted to be a woman.

Even she knows you like the penis.

Allegedly.

Look, I'm only working half a day, so I will be there.

- See you later, sweetheart. - OK. I love... you hung up. OK.

OK! See what else we can try and grease you into. Shall we?

- - There you go.

- What's up, bro? - What's up, my brother?

Log on. Clan match, one hour, bro.

- Who's the victims? - Black Assassins.

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna make them my beeyatches!

Wait, did you say "beeyatches?"

Hollywood always drops LA slang.

Whatever, dude, just get a cell phone.

- -

- Hello? - Cody!

- Yes? - This is Sarah.

Hi, Sarah. How are you?

I'm pissed! I'm at the open house, and where are you?

I, um, I just left. I had to run a couple errands.

An errand, Cody? You can't leave random people

in our client's house without supervision.

Why not? It's an open house. They're adults.

Oh, I've had it with you, Cody Thomas!

You haven't sold a house in months, and...

I just heard you asked a prospective buyer's daughter

if she thought her mother was a prostitute?

If you had seen what she was wearing...

Oh, hi! Come on in. Yeah, I'll be right with you. OK.

This isn't work out, Cody. You're fired. Don't worry about repaying your advance.

Damn it!

- What's up, fellas? - In the house!

- What up, ladies? - What's up?

I got fired for leaving my open house, that's what's up.

- What? - I know, man.

Melissa's gonna kill me. I have no idea what I'm gonna do.

If you need, you are more than welcome to stay at my place.

I got a queen-sized bed. It's really nice.

Told you, Oliver, I'm not interested.

- So rude. - Let's just win this game.

- I hate these dudes. Sup, beeyatches? Ready to take it in the ass again?

- Screw you, dude. - You wish, Fraggett.

I'm in no mood for your mouth, Chomama. Where's the rest of your clan?

I got some good news for you punks.

- Only two of us is playing. - Yo, Chomama, you know

you need four for an official clan match.

Look, Pr3daTurD, I can beat your whole weak-ass clan on my own.

- So be grateful we even showing up. - Why don't we just play?

OK? I got Pilates in an hour.

Cover Rumpleforeskin.

Oh, and... Oh, yeah!

- I'm dead. I'm dead. - Are you serious?

Rain on me. Get upset with me, 'cause it's my fault.

- Ah! - Come on!

- Wow. Why wouldn't you? - Why wouldn't I what?

How did I know you'd be playing that stupid video game?

It's only three in the afternoon.

- Yeah, so? - So?

Normal people have jobs during the week, Cody!

- Not playing damn video games! - He's getting yelled at.

- He's getting yelled at, bro. - You know this is how I relax.

- Come on, Hollywood! - You sounds really relaxed, don't you?

Wait a minute. What are you even doing here right now?

Oh, my God, Cody.

You lost another job, didn't you?

- You are pathetic. - Oh, that's harsh.

Cody, mute... mute your mic.

Must be that time of the month, huh?

It is, Cody! It is that time of the freaking month!

- Dude, we can hear you! - The time that I actually leave your worthless,

- sorry, video game-playing ass! - Man, I gotta record this.

- Yeah, I've heard that before. - No, you know what? You're right, Cody Thomas.

You have heard that before, and I am sorry for that.

Because my psychic was right. There is something big

that's going to happen to me, and it is not with you.

What psychic? Your 1-900 numbers you call?

First of all, Miss Theo is a real psychic.

She knew exactly how I was feeling before I told her.

- She understands me, Cody. - She's just some woman that lives in the ghetto

that gets you to pay 99 cents a minute to be your friend on the phone.

- And I pay for it. - Ha! You pay for it?

- Oh... - You don't pay for anything!

My hosting job is the only way that we're able to pay for rent around here,

which, by the way, is a month behind!

OK, like you don't know this? It's hard being a real estate broker right now.

Yeah, let's talk about that. You're a real estate agent.

I'm sorry, correction. You were a real estate agent.

You wear a blazer. A burgundy blazer!

You think the word "broker" makes it sound like you're on Wall Street or something.

You actually made a fan of yourself. Awesome!

And to top it all off, I'm embarrassed to even drive our car to the grocery store

because you've got the entire thing wrapped with your face!

- I was building a brand! - Your brand reeks of desperation, Cody!

What's next, a bus bench?

You're a bench.

Exactly.

That's exactly how I thought you'd respond.

This video game rules your life.

We don't even have sex anymore because you're in a bad mood

because you lost some stupid clan match or something!

I'm beginning to think that you're gay.

Damn!

Really? Now I'm gay?

Well, how should I know? You have two friends!

One's a total slob and the other one's still hiding in the closet!

- I'm not a slob. - So not gay.

I'm leaving you, Cody.

I'm leaving you for real this time.

I found someone else.

Disaster!

I'll, uh, I'll send someone to get Miss Kitty.

You feed her for a couple of days, OK?

Goodbye, Cody. I hope your video game can grow a vagina

and fulfill your fantasies.

Oh! That would be ideal.

- Hell no, man! I cannot believe we just lost to two kids.

Dude, we just heard everything.

Rematch! Let's play again.

I think... I think we've probably... probably had enough.