Daddy Issues

This programme contains strong language and adult humour from the start

Have you got a condom? INTERCOM PINGS

My wallet's in my bag.

And it doesn't have any condoms in it.

Oh, I think I might have one. OK.

Must've fallen out. Oh.

I mean, we could still...

Erm...

What about disease?

You what? Oh, I'm not suggesting you've got anything.

No, it's just that advert from the '80s.

"AIDS. Don't die of AIDS."

Scared the life out of me when I first saw it.

I think it's, "AIDS. Don't die of ignorance."

I saw it on TikTok.

Pretty sure it's, "AIDS. Don't die of AIDS."

No. It's, "AIDS. Don't die of ignorance."

Why would it be, "AIDS. Don't die of AIDS."

Well... That's a terrible slogan.

Well, let's just agree to disagree, shall we? OK.

Could all passengers please return to their seats,

as we begin our descent into Manchester Airport.

Are we doing this then or what?

Sure, yeah. And I'll just finish in the sink to be sensible.

Yeah. OK.

Oh, I'm Ben, by the way. Gemma.

Hiya, Rita.

You're nearly an hour late, lady.

Yeah, I had to get the bus from Cheadle.

What were you doing in Cheadle? Hmm.

Who were you doing in Cheadle? I mean, I'm not judging.

I was the same at her age.

I'm the same at my age.

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, you can take those off, Stevie Wonder.

I don't want people thinking I employ wankers.

I've got a reputation to think of. Hmm?

His name's Liam. He's a painter.

Oh, did you take his business card?

I've been after someone to give my boxroom a lick.

As in artist.

Bloody hell, has this got vodka in it?

Hair of the dog.

So tell us about this new one, then.

I'm not going to see him again.

Wears the same deodorant as me dad.

Very off putting at a pivotal moment.

How is your hunky dad? Have you seen him, Winnie?

Oof!

Do you think he's ready for love again?

Maybe with a sexually adventurous salon owner?

I've told you, you're not his type.

I'm everybody's type, Gemma.

What's his new place like, then?

I don't know, I haven't been round yet.

I know, he keeps asking.

I'll go later actually.

# I work all night

# I do my thing

# Just killin' time

# Need a friend

# Is this my life beginning or... #

Dad, it's Gemma.

DOOR BUZZES

Gemma.

Hey, I'm so glad you've finally got to see the place. Huh?

I know it's not Buckingham Palace, but it'll do.

And it's all I can afford...

..for now!

I shouldn't even be here.

I mean, I wasn't the one having the affair, was I?

Have you seen your mother? She's in Paris.

Oh, God, Paris!

I mean, what's Paris got that this place hasn't, eh?

Art, culture,

a vibrant jazz scene.

It's the cheese, isn't it? Eh?

She has gone for the cheese.

Yeah, she's gone for the cheese.

Sorry. No.

It's quite trendy these days actually, to drink out of jam jars.

Oh, aye?

Is it trendy to have a wee in them an all?

Don't worry.

I put an X on that one so I don't get them mixed up.

Yeah, you don't really want to use the facilities here

if you can help it.

Oh, my God, I want to die!

That's Derek.

Yeah.

He runs the gaff.

He was married for 12 years

and his wife won't let him see the kids.

Oh, God, what is that? Oh, sorry.

It's just erm...

Yeah, that's just a, you know, that's just a damp patch

where I've... I've been crying.

If I can keep myself together tonight, that'll dry out nicely.

BANGING ON DOOR Malcolm?

Malcolm, open up, mate.

I've run out of chocolate spread... Derek.

..because some fucking DEAD MAN at work stole mine.

Hey, Derek, come in.

Yeah, I've got some somewhere.

Oh, er, that's my daughter, Gemma.

Hiya. Hey.

Hey, lovely to meet you.

Are you wearing Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker?

Yeah!

I got a bit heavy handed in Boots earlier.

I sat in something. A pie I think. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Gorgeous.

At least I hope it was a pie.

I adore Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker.

Top three smells.

CHUCKLING

Hey, you, erm, this might seem a little forward, but...

..would you be interested in dinner tomorrow night?

I know a great Italian.

Sorry, has she...she got a boyfriend? Or a husband?

Umm... Dad, no, I don't.

Well, then. What do you say?

Do you know what, I can't do tomorrow. I'm working.

What, at night! Mm.

The salon stays open late on a Thursday

and it's my turn to lock up. What about the next night, then?

Are you "working" then as well? Hmm?

No?

Yeah, well, fuck you!

Yeah, nice daughter, Malcolm.

What a whore.

Yeah.

Dad!

You know, this is why I haven't come over sooner.

Oh, come on, Gemma, it's just Derek.

Oh, enjoy your plant. Gem...?

HE SNIFFS

Hey, do you know if they're showing the match in here?

Ouch.

Sorry, they're just a bit sore. It's fine though.

We should get them out that bra. Yeah.

My flatmate won't be back for ages.

That's sexy.

You're a naughty, naughty, naughty girl.

What the hell?! Oh, yeah, what the hell.

Ho-ho!

Hello?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

A lovely place you've got.

Yeah. I've been burgled!

But have they taken the bed? Hmm.

Yeah. Or if not, the floor is just as good.

SHE RETCHES

SHE VOMITS

You all right?

Hon?

Honey?

Baby girl?

Gemma!

Gemma? Thanks.

I could Deliveroo us some oysters.

Someone's stolen all my things,

so unless your cock fires out Argos vouchers

I'm not going anywhere near it tonight.

Keely, did you lock up properly? Cos we've been fucking burgled.

I'm calling the police, but you need to get back here now.

I can see you.

I'll go...shall I?

Yeah.

Meeting you tonight...

..has changed my life.

DM me, Gemboodles. Gemma!

HE CHUCKLES

Don't ignore me.

I know where you live.

You're back very early.

Yeah.

I met...Danny at The Red Rock and we...

Anyway, thank God I came back early. We've been burgled.

Are you moving out?

I'm going to be a mummy!

Me and Sancho are having a baby.

What?

Sancho is an idiot who once stapled himself to a park bench.

Hey!

Sancho has a lovely flat.

No, you're right, he does, actually.

Very nice carpets.

Yeah, well...

We didn't plan on becoming Mummy and Daddy so soon,

but when we found out...

So, no doubts at all, then?

Yeah, a few.

Can we afford it?

Am I going to get fat?

What if I end up tearing my vaginger from front to back

and my entire poop system needs rebuilding?

That can happen? Can and does. Oof.

But in the end... ..I knew I wanted this.

Fuck.