Monsters in the Closet

Oh, I gotta stop. I gotta stop this story.

I gotta stop the story. Stop story.

Oh, come on. Load, why are you taking so long.

Why are you so slow.

Oh, I need to stop the story.

No updates now!

Oh, come on. I gotta stop it.

He's coming. He's coming up the stairs.

He's coming up the stairs, I have to stop it now!

Come on, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Go away! Call 911.

Somebody call 911. Oh, geez! No!

Oh no!

No, no, no!

- Jasmin? - Yes?

Alexandria. Do you have a quick second to talk?

I don't feel like talking to the press right now.

I'm not the press.

I actually work with your father really closely

at Destiny Publishing.

- Okay. - Did he mention

any short stories that we was working on?

It could be his best work yet.

I have to go right now, may I?

This actually might be worth a lot of money,

seems like you might need it. It could help you out a lot.

- Excuse me? You got... - The expenses

on the house, taxes...

You've got some nerve.

- May I? - It could help you out a lot.

- How long are you in town for? - A couple of days, a week,

- what does it matter? - Here's my card.

If you happen to find anything, just give me a call.

Whatever.

Jasmin, where did you get this?

In your room, Daddy!

Why did you bring it down here?

To play with them.

But it's not a toy, it's a very expensive collectible.

It's worth a lot of money.

Do not play with this again. Ever.

Jasmin, I'm busy right now, I'm writing.

I'm writing. Just put it over there,

I'll look at it later, okay?

Jasmin, what are you doing here?

Papá, ¿por qué no me quiere?

Speak English, Jasmin!

We don't speak Spanish anymore in this house.

I lost my accent, you can lose your accent.

Listen, practice this,

"She sells seashells by the sea shore."

Can you do that?

She sells she...

Ugh, whatever!

You've been hanging around that maid too much.

You're speaking too much Spanish.

You need to go out with the Anglo boys and

- learn better English, now! - At least she cares!

Pass...

word.

Jasmin.

Frankenstein.

How pathetic.

Oh, my dear Jasmin.

As you are watching this, uh, I'm most likely dead.

Or maybe you've broken into my computer.

I'm gonna go with dead for now.

Listen, I know you think I've always been hard on you,

or ignored you, but at a certain point,

you did the same to me.

Have you ever read any of my books? Even one?

Did you ever show any interest in my work?

So, as I see it, we're even. It's tit for tat.

Jasmin, I know in death, families always want to have

a moment of resolution where they get together and say,

"I wish we'd said this to one another

while we were still alive,"

and then we'd have closure.

My point of view is, if we didn't say it back then,

we ain't gonna say it now.

Jasmin, whatever resolutions you wanted to have,

or hoped to have with me,

I guess they're not gonna happen.

Now, Jasmin, I need to talk about the will.

Um, it's gonna happen someday, you're gonna get everything.

Everything in the house is yours,

the books are the most valuable thing,

and all the movie rights and the royalties that go with it,

you get all that.

Let me tell you about my most recent project.

Aw, it's gonna be great! It's gonna be big!

So big, it's gonna be the biggest thing I've ever done.

I bought a 17th century book on black magic.

And in that book, they teach you how to cast magical spells

by writing stories about them.

And when you read these stories aloud,

they come to life.

So, this could be much bigger than anything

than you'd see in 3D, men in tights

hanging from some walls somewhere.

No, this is gonna be so much bigger.

Because when you read these stories out loud,

they come to life.

You can have a real vampire in your own kitchen.

Now, if you do this, remember you don't...

Oh my God, he's gone crazy.

Hello, everyone. Welcome to the audio book of

my famous short story collection,

Monsters in the Closet.

Based on a 17th century book of black magic.

Our first story takes place on a misty night

with the smell of mold everywhere.

Forced it shut!

Shit! Oh fuck! No!

Ah, no! No!

Oh fuck!

Fuck!

Hello?

Somebody there?

Hey. Hey, man, you need help?

Oh, shit!

It's gotta be somewhere.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Oh, my God. Twinkie.

Yes.

Mm!

Oh, these are...

...not how I remember them tasting.

Ugh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh...

Apple.

Ugh!

Oh, God.

Ugh.

Fuck.

What?

Aw.

Fuck.

Oh!

Aw!

Hey, wait for me! I'm coming with you.

Maybe we can work as a team.

Is that door locked too?

Get the fuck away from me!

- Fuck! - Maybe we can...

Oh, shit!

May... Urr.

Be... Grr.

- Fuck. - You piece of shit!

Hey, what the fuck? I'm trying to help you!

Ah!

Fuck!

All right! Bring it on, you fucking scum!

Oh, fuck! Oh God, that hurts!

Oh, fuck!

Get off!

Dude.

You okay?

What is that wonderful smell?

Is that...

Is that coming from...

Is that coming from you?

Please, please be lasagna in your pockets. Please.

Mm, mmm, mm.

Why'd I do that?

I just meant to smell it.

Hey, stop. No. Don't.

Spit it out, spit it, spit it.

Good girl.

Chris?

Chris?

Chris.

Oh, Chris. Not you too.

I'm sorry.

Oh, oh yeah. No, uh...

I'm not going to finish it. You can have the rest.

So you will not believe what I just did.

Oh wait, no. Yeah, maybe you would.

Yeah. Right.

Hey, do you mind if we stick together?

This is kind of...

I mean, are they going to eat us?

Are we going to eat them?

Is there a cure for this shit or is it like herpes?

You know, I probably should have

told you this before, but...

I used to have the hugest crush on you.

Yeah, not so much right now.

So, how long have you been a zombie?

Are there rules I should know?

You know, you really haven't changed

all that much, come to think of it.

- Ugh! - What?

Oh, baby.

It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you.

I know, I would be scared too,