Trevor Noah: African American

Africa.

Where it all began.

The first fire.

The first man to stand up.

And the first stand-up man.

The stand-up man flourished bringing joy

and a good date night to millions of villagers

before he eventually migrated,

bringing stand-up comedy here, here, and here.

But oddly, never here.

As comedy flourished abroad the African

stand-up man disappeared.

Until now.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Please welcome Trevor Noah.

Thank you.

Thumbs up.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Good evening.

How you guys doing?

I guess that means good.

That's what the sounds means, right?

Whoo.

There's no sound for sad.

Does anyone make that sound?

How you feeling?

Whoa, no's.

It's really just that.

Thank you very much for having me.

Thanks for coming out.

You guys are looking great and relaxed.

Nice weather isn't it?

Yeah, it's very chilled out.

I just got back from Atlanta.

It was 107 degrees Fahrenheit.

Yeah.

Hottest weather.

Worst thing is everyone comes up to me and they go well,

you must be used to this being from Africa and-- no, I'm not.

I'm from Africa but that shit is hot.

That was just-- no.

I was scared to go jogging 'cause I thought if I ran

out in the streets and fainted wouldn't the local

news love that?

I'd be running and I'd fall down in the heat.

They would have their vans reporting live.

They'd be standing going

so hot in Atlanta even Africans are fainting.

So, I'm enjoying this.

Really happy to be here, you know?

This is gonna be good for us I hope.

I say I hope because I never know with stand-up comedy.

It's just, you know, it's an awkward experience I find.

I'm always nervous.

'Cause I find comedy is very similar to sex for me.

Well, it's exactly like sex when you think about it.

With me, the comedian, playing the role of the man.

And you, the audience, the role of the woman.

'Cause it's my job to satisfy you.

And you just have to sit there.

And then just like sex, my success or failure

will somehow be determined by how much noise you

make during my performance.

Which makes it a one-sided affair I feel.

You know?

Yes.

Yeah.

I mean, maybe you're the quiet type.

I hope we have magic tonight.

I hope we create something wonderful.

I mean, for many of us it's our first time together

and that means it might be awkward.

I understand this.

And if that's the case I want you to

know that I'll look into your eyes,

I'll see that I'm freaking you out, and I'll stop.

I'll stop and I'll flip you back over

and we'll go back to the simple stuff.

Yes.

OK?

I've been in America for a few months now

and I'm really just thrown by the place.

It's not what I expected at all.

Different from the brochures and the pamphlets.

There's many assumptions I had about

America before I came here and I've come to learn

that those were wrong.

For one, I just assumed people spoke English here.

It's far from it.

It's not-- you know what?

It's not so much the language so much as the

pronunciation of words that throws me off.

It's just Americans have done with the language.

You guys have just-- wow.

You've just-- you've done something.

You've put 22's on the English language.

Just got rims and just pimp my language.

That's what you've gone with, you know?

And I don't understand.

I was chatting to this woman downtown the other day.

She came up to me and she wanted me to see something.

I don't know what though.

She was like

my God, look over therr.

I said look over what?

She's like

over therr.

Look at that harr.

I said her?

She's like,

no, herr harr.

There's two of them?

I understand nothing.

Even the small words.

Just the pronunciation.

You know, small things that get you by.

For instance, I pronounce the opposites of uncle as aunt.

I say my aunt.

Out here you say my ant.

Which to me is an insect.

Which made me look like an ass when my

friend told me his ant died.

And I was like so what?

There's tons of those out there.

Just madness.

Everything out here is different.

Do you know how hard it is to learn when you come out here?

You have to change everything.

There's the measurement system which is just,

I mean, America, you guys have your own thing.

The Imperial system, you know?

On my side of the world we use the metric system.

And by my side I mean the rest of the world.

You know?

We have the metric system which is,

amongst other things, very efficient.

It's a very simple process.

You know, everything goes into each other.

And out here you have Imperial.

Which is fine.

I mean, I won't judge you.

If you want to be imaginary,

that's up to you.

But--

I just feel like there's some

consistency that's needed.

Small things.

Like, for instance, when we abbreviate our small

measurement, milligrams, we use mg.

Milligrams.

Mg.

Milli-grams?

And you guys have ounces.

Ounces.

Which you then abbreviate: oz.

There's no Z in the word ounces.

I don't know-- that's pale in comparison

to what you've done with pounds.

That, for me--

please explain to me how the abbreviation

for pounds became lbs.?

Lb.-- pounds.

I look like the idiot walking into the store going

could I please have the two labs bag of sugar?

Guy was like

you mean pounds?

I said I don't see the P.

No, I don't.

He said

well, it means pounds.

No, it's lbs.

Lot of bullshit.

That's what it stands for.

It is horrible.

And I thought-- I honestly thought this was an anomaly.

I thought, you know what?

This is just one of those things.

It's a coincidence.

But it's not.

Americans do not care about abbreviation nor

the English language.

They just-- they don't give a damn.

I notice on the small things like, for instance,

when I was in Tennessee I stumbled on an

organization known as the Ku Klux Klan.

You heard of them?

Worst magic show ever.

Guy gave me a pamphlet.

He's like

come and see the Grand Wizard.

Grand Wizard.

The Grand Wiz--

didn't do one trick.

Not even one trick.

I mean, I noticed a few black people disappear

but, I mean, that's not magic.

No, that's just Regan-omics.