Neighbour (Susidka)

THIS FILM WAS MADE BEFORE THE FULL-SCALE RUSSIAN INVASION OF UKRAINE

KYIV 2021

Whoa! Well, slowpoke,

you haven't even been married yet and you're already so slow.

I grew older by a few years, waiting for you.

You know, bike dude, why don't you hurry up a bit slower?

Hurry up slower.

Look, you've had enough fun riding that Porsche. A bet is a bet.

Whoever gets married first gives away his wheels.

You bought the wedding ring,

and now you have to hand over your keys, Oleh.

Listen, Pete,

aren't you fed up with our endless childish bets?

- Alright, let's see who gets further? - Piece of cake!

Who can hang longer?

The whole onion?

All of it!

And what do I get?

- Tetris! - Piece of cake!

Uh! No, no. I was joking. My dad just bought it for me.

Help, Peter Pan has gone mad!

The excuses are starting?

Here we go: a special Ukrainian cheapskate, am I right?

Look here, old chap.

What on earth do you need that Porsche for?

A ringed man has to think about a family station wagon

to fit the baby car seat and transport the mother-in-law's plants.

Here, choke on it!

I'll buy two new ones, got it? By the way, something's wrong with the engine.

Really? You're scaring a porcupine with your bare ass.

As the owner of a chain of car repair garages, I'll handle it.

All right, park my fleet.

We're going to have a grand party!

The owner of a car repair garage.

A car repair garage emperor!

I want to drink to true men's entertainment.

Let's drink to fishing.

- To working out. - To football.

- To saunas. - To car racing.

To safaris instead of Egypt with her mother.

- To freedom. - You make me sick!

Petro, you've been walking this earth for over 30 years

and still haven't learned that family life

does not cancel out fun but actually adds to it.

But our pathological bachelor will never be able to find out about this.

Why so? Because you can't.

Can't? Can't.

You can't. You can't. You can't.

Wait, stop, stop. What do you mean "I can't".

You can't be with one woman for more than a single night.

You can't.

Hello idiots, don't go too far. It's that I don't want to -

those are different things...

With a normal one, friend, and not with one of these hooker types.

Can't do it?

For who? For me!?

You can't. I can see it. Forget it.

- Boys, it's a piece of cake! - Piece of cake?

Well then let's bet on my Porsche, then I can win it back.

You want to win your Porsche back, I understand, but what's in it for me?

- Yeah, what's in it for him? - Yeah, what?

You sly old Peter Pan. Lay off!

Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!

If Oleh loses,

he gives all of us foot massages in the sauna!

No problem!

And never call me Peter Pan again.

How long do I have to spend with the chick?

- Two days? Three? I'm ready for five. - No, no, no, Pete.

You are so big but so shallow.

Let's do a month.

- What? - A month. Handshake?

Even a leg shake! Let's go, boys, make it official.

I'm already dead and in hell,

but instead of screams I hear the bloody doorbell.

Hell is on its way.

My sister Veronika is moving in with you tomorrow. Remember?

This bet is going to be the end of you.

Your younger sister?

Damn, the bet.

She left her husband, you know,

but I can't bring my sis to my place,

my Yasya will kill me, you see?

How did I fall for this?

But, man, you've got enough space even for a horse race.

You got drunk and fell for it.

Veronika it shall be. Cheers!

Go, go, your new neighbor must be waiting.

Good morning.

Hello.

The little one really has grown a bit. Veronika?

I would rather kiss this frog than your chubby tattle tale sister.

I bet you won't kiss it. You can't do it.

Piece of cake!

Yes, Petro, it's me.

Sorry for waking you up.

Your highness.

Coffee, tea, or pickle juice?

Your sense of humor remains the same.

Unique?

Yes, I doubt someone could repeat it.

Very original place.

A humble bachelor shack.

By the way, I'm very grateful,

it's been a very difficult time in my life.

Good day. Veronika.

I know.

This is...

Lana.

Yes, Lana. My housekeeper.

And my shift is over. By the way, his mop is lame.

So, why are we standing there? Who are we waiting for?

Our bedroom is over there.

Just kidding. Come in wherever Feng Shui takes you.

Thank you for helping us out, we...

Please, don't start,

my head is still ringing after the last night.

Look, once I'm feeling a bit better, then I'll come

and make you feel a bit better with eclairs and champagne.

House warming party, after all, neighbor.

Tea is like in Thailand.

God, don't remind me about Thailand.

What's up? What's up? What's up?

So, did little sister Veronika move in?

What can I say, boys?

Ugly, right? I thought so.

Well come on, show us. Is she cross-eyed? Show us some pics.

Take that, morons!

What, a hot Mary Poppins, eh?

Reminds me of my geography teacher.

Agree. Right hemisphere. Left hemisphere.

What an intelligent face! And the cheeks.

Petro hasn't seen her face yet.

Listen, I'm ready to live this family life for a month.

Thanks for this, Oleh!

Hey, hey, hey. Watch it, buddy.

Hey, what's up? You settle such a chick into my sexodrome,

- and I'm supposed to declare celibacy? - No promises, no forgiveness,

everything happened by itself.

Right, hello, idiots, that's my sister.

She's not your mother.

Petro, what did we bet on?

Right, that you survive under one roof with her,

but nobody mentioned sex. Although, you know,

you're definitely not her type.

Veronika, I'm home.

What?

Uncle Petro!

Children, children, what's with the manners?

Come here and let's try again: good day, uncle Petro.

Good day, uncle Petro.

- I'm Marta! - I'm Marko!

They heard a lot about you and didn't expect you back so soon.

I wasn't expecting to be back either. Are they yours?

Mine!

Wow! I was only away for half a day.

Listen, I dressed "yours" up a bit.

Is that OK? Kids...

Hello.

Greetings, bro.

You didn't say that she would be coming with extra luggage.

Nobody promised that it would be easy.

Listen, Mr. Promise,

I didn't sign up for this.

You told me about one chick, I emphasize - one, and not an entire scouts camp.

So, the bet is off. That's a violation of the agreement.

That's it? Did you calm down?

No, I didn't calm down.

You didn't calm down? Then let's call the guys

and let them decide whether this is a violation or not.

Greetings, arbitration court.

So tell me, isn't this cheating? What did we agree to?

One month with a woman and then Oleh becomes my Thai massage woman, right?

Yes, exactly.

And if you lose, you return the hot rod to Oleh.

Yeah, I remember about your hot rod,

but the chick didn't show up alone.

- Who did she come with!? - There's a few of them! I want the blonde!

Quiet! Stop annoying me.

She's showed up with extra luggage. Double extra.

Oh, oh, kids.

Therefore, it's over. The bet is off. Evacuation begins.

Oleh, get rid of your refugees.

On the other hand, wait, there's just one chick, right?

That's right. And her "luggage" is a part of her.

When someone brings a car to your garage,

you don't empty the trunk, do you?

- No, you don't. - So, don't leave the chick.

Hello, dumb asses,

maybe you can stop calling my sister a chick?

No, no, no, we're just saying it figuratively.

And figuratively your little sister is not bad, quite sexy!

Although we only saw her rear bumper.

Hey, idiots, I'll give you such a rear bumper that you'll be

forced to shove your tailpipes into your gas tanks.

Right, Petro, decide:

either you continue or you admit that you can't do it.

Quiet, yes, I can.

I'll make it through this mommy with her little brats.

But there is one "but"...