3rd Rock from the Sun

You know, Mr. Randell,

we've only been out on six dates, but already I feel comfortable with you.

You make me feel so feminine,

which is ironic 'cause I could snap your neck like a twig.

Thanks.

Oh, Mr. Randell.

Sally, do you want to go back to my apartment?

Oh, I know what's going to happen there,

uh-huh.

We'll continue to kiss and touch and kiss and touch

just like the movies, and all of a sudden the scene ends,

and we're in the park eating hot dogs and laughing.

That's such a Sally thing to say.

You're never what I expect.

Yeah, like that time you didn't have to pay for dinner

'cause I got us thrown out of the sizzler.

- Like that, yeah. - But that's what you like about me, right?

- Right, right, right, right, right? - Yeah, yeah.

But now it's starting to, um...

I don't know,

irritate me.

- I'm not the perfect woman? - This close, really.

Just a couple, three, four things you could change.

Maybe let me be in control sometimes, just a little.

Well, you're going to see a whole new me.

God, I hate that.

It's gone.

Oh... I should have let you do that.

Whoopsy doodle.

Good-bye, basket of kittens.

I can only pray that next month's photo

will bring us a fraction of the joy and whimsy...

...that you did.

Thank you, bank of Rutherford.

What? That's a monkey playing golf.

I know, but he's putting with a driver.

You never see yourself clearly

until you see yourself through your lover's eyes.

I am red freakin' hot!

Good for you. And I'm a loud, destructive,

irritating pain in the butt.

Mr. Randell's not crazy about me anymore, Dick.

Sally, don't tell me you're failing at your relationship.

- How could you? - I don't know.

I thought I had this whole woman thing aced.

My performance has been technically flawless.

He wants me to change.

Well, here on earth, humans change for their lovers.

August and I always accommodate each other's wants and needs.

For example, I stopped wearing old spice,

and she's stopped telling me to stop wearing old spice.

Oh...

don't compare my mature relationship

to your little "tigerbeat" tryst.

Yeah, she's right.

Tommy, adults have far more complicated problems.

Although, come to think of it, Dr. Albright and I are adults,

and we have none.

I have struck gold with her, grabbed the prize,

hit the jackpot.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

You're a winner.

You didn't win. You lucked out.

Love doesn't just drop into your lap.

You've got to force it there.

I don't know, Dick. I'm beginning to wonder if I've got what it takes.

Of course you've got what it takes. You're a warrior,

and this is the battle of the sexes.

You can win it!

I envy you. Everybody in this house

has got somebody except me.

But when I do make my love connection,

lady beware.

I change for no one.

Harry, you sound like an idiot.

And that will never change.

Tommy?

Let's say

I got into this horrible car crash,

and I wasn't really hurt,

but my hair fell out from the shock.

Would you still like me?

- What about the eyebrows? - Gone.

Yeah, sure, I'd still like you, of course.

It would take a couple of days to get used to.

- Did you see the monkey? - I saw the monkey.

What if my sight went next?

I'm bald, with no eyebrows,

and I can't see. Would you still go out with me?

I'd stand by you.

Of course, you wouldn't know it.

Why don't you go out and find your own girlfriend?

With my schedule, where would I find the time?

Oh, my god. I have got

the most brilliant idea.

You should contact a video dating service.

- You think? - Yes! August, that's genius.

In fact, I bet they're open right now.

Yes.

Yes, yes.

There is a woman out there with my name on her.

I will find her,

and nothing's gonna to stop me,

unless I get distracted by something shiny.

You look lovely today.

Thank you.

- And you like everything else about me, too? - Yes.

- Have I done anything to upset you? - No.

Great, 'cause I'm really trying to change for you, Kevin.

I have been so bad.

Have you decided on a wine?

- What do you feel like? Red or white? - I don't know.

You decide.

We'll have a bottle of merlot.

We're out of bread. You want more bread?

I don't know. You decide.

Is it cold in here, or is it just me?

I don't know. You decide.

- What are you doing? - I don't know.

You decide.

If there's a problem here, just say so.

Oh, there's no problem. I'm just trying to please you.

- Would you just drop this? - Something's wrong, isn't it?

You like to play naive, but you know exactly what you're doing.

Back up. Is naive a good thing in a woman or a bad thing?

Are you trying to drag me into some neofeminist debate?

I don't know. You decide!

Fine. I've decided.

Lunch is over.

Aw, listen, hon, there are other fish in the sea.

I don't want to hear about the specials, lady.

Hi, my name is Harry Solomon.

My turn-ons are sunshine, beach houses,

and baking bread with my blouse off.

- I wasn't rolling. - Oh, I'm sorry.

All right, Harry, this is all about

just being yourself.

I want you to just relax, act natural,

and have fun, okay? All right, here we go.

Okay. I was brought up...

Friday would be fine. Yeah, I see no problem with--

I'll call you back.

- Hello. - Heh-woh.

This is Mr. Poopie bear.

Is this my wittle bunny face doll?

Hi, Mr. Poopie bear. Is wou happy?

I'd be happier if I was in a big snuggle buggle with wou.

- Snuggle, snuggle, snuggle, snuggle,

snuggle, snuggle.

- Oh. - Heh-woh?

Heh-woh!

Oh, heh-woh.

Dick, I need to talk.

- Well, sure. - I just had a horrible lunch with Kevin.

- Tell me what happened. - I tried to change for him, and he still got mad at me.

- I thought I'd done everything right. - I'm sure you did.

- What do you think he needs from me? - Sally, sit down.

Honey, I'm a man,

and here's something that I've learned.

How can I put this?

Men... are completely incapable

of talking about relationships.

Here's two women. Dump on them.

What does this remind you of?

That time in Vienna.

That waiter,

- those long walks. - And this coffee.

Yeah.

- What's going on? - Sally's tense.

I'm taking her away with flavored coffee.

Who am I kidding? I've never even been to Vienna!

Well, this is amaretto.

A broken heart demands mocha mint!

I'm sorry. You can't blame me...

- Sally, what's wrong? - Look at these chairs.

I don't know if it's the fabric, or the pattern,

or that Mr. Randell hates me, or maybe we just need a couch.

- The fabric is a bit loud. - It's Mr. Randell.

Sally, please, stop being so sad.

- I'm not sad. I'm angry. - Then why are you leaking?

I don't know! It's a whole new leak.

My relationship with Mr. Randell is broken.

No matter what I say to him, I can't fix it.

Stop saying, and start doing.

You've got to have more sex.

More? I've never had any, ever.

Ever? Well...

there's the black fly in your chardonnay.

You've got to start.

Sex fixes everything.

It's the neosporin of Amore.