Solar Opposites

‐ Alright, Terry, I'm switching on the Neutronium Diode.

This thing's a temperamental little slut

so be ready to cut the power source ASAP.

As Shlorpian as possible. Gotcha, buddy!

‐ Oh! Terry, turn it off!

Terry! Do it now! Ow, fucking ow, ow, ow, fuck!

Terry! Fuck! Ow! Terry! Ow! Terry!

Gotcha, buddy!

Gotcha, buddy! Gotcha, buddy!

Gotcha, buddy! Gotcha, buddy!

Gotcha, buddy!

‐ Oh crap, I forgot about Korvo!

‐ Help, Terry. I think I'm dying.

Please, cancel my subscription to Goop.

‐ Oh god, oh no, I'm so sorry, Korv.

Now‐now is it the green button or the yellow one.

I'm such a Forgetful Frankie Muniz.

That's not a joke, he had a serious head injury.

‐ Oh!

Ahh!

Terry, I'm gonna ask you one time and you better not lie:

did you abandon your post and go to Disneyland?

‐ What? No, I was‐‐

I got these at Target.

‐ I know for a fact they don't sell those at Target.

‐ Online they do. Black Friday deal, got an email.

‐ Dammit, it probably went to my spam.

Fucking Hulumail sucks. Will you forward it to me?

‐ I'd have to get back to you. Let's get you down from there.

‐ Ohhh! ‐ Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!

Which button is it again?

Which button is it? ‐ Terry!

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

Until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.

This is‐‐ this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid.

Why are they all so excited about keeping themselves alive?

Don't they know when you die you come back stronger

and with an earthier flavor?

‐ Sigourney Weaver is your perfect Earth babe?

‐ Uh, yeah!

She's a woman of science,

she already has a prior relationship with aliens,

and she has the biceps of a young Al Gore.

‐ She's one handsome lady, that's for sure.

I'd put a bun in that oven.

‐ Ahh!

‐ Yo, check it. This dickless dork has a poster of Sigourney Weaver!

‐ How dare you, she's America's hot older aunt!

‐ I know!

Which is why you have no business hanging a poster of her in your locker.

‐ She tried to save the Na'vi while making smoking look cool again.

What the fuck did you ever do?

‐ You will never be strong enough, cool enough,

or confident enough to get a woman like Sigi Weave.

‐ Ohh!

‐ Principal Cooke, are you gonna do something about this bullying?

‐ Yes.

Two weeks detention for thinking you could ever date

a goddess like Sigourney Weaver!

She won a spoken‐word Grammy, you piece of shit!

‐ You okay? ‐ What? Of course. Are you okay?

‐ I am super, capital S.

I thought Stacy K. flicked a booger at me in math

but turns out it was just an eraser,

so I guess we're BFFs now.

‐ Jesus, Jesse, stop badgering me!

Fine, I'm not okay! Is that what you want to hear?

I just, I want to destroy those cool kids,

but Korvo deactivated all the awesome weapons in my suit.

‐ You know what you should do?

Go to a gym, start lifting weights, maybe some CrossFit

and then when you're all swole and shit,

you can come back and beat up all those cool kids.

‐ You really think that would work?

‐ Totally! So you're gonna take my idea and hit the gym?

‐ Hell, no, your ideas suck.

I know exactly what I'm gonna do.

They'll never see it coming!

‐ Don't say poisonous‐‐ ‐ Poisonous snakes!

‐ Hola, Korvito! I got you some Texi‐Mexi from Pedro's

to say sorry for that little thing earlier.

I scored you a bunch of salsa!

‐ Terry, for the last time, salsa is not a real apology.

And you know the only food I like eating at those Mexican restaurants

are those sliced radishes! Mm!

‐ More for me! Hey, so what's this bad boy all about?

‐ Don't touch. This "bad boy" can send warranty letters

back to the factory on Shlorp that made the Diode in the first place.

‐ Wait, didn't Shlorp blow up like a new Lizzo single? Topical.

‐ Yes, but this uses a temporal address

that can send the letter back in time to before Shlorp went boom‐boom‐pow.

I was trying to piggyback on‐on‐on your, on your reference to music.

Then they'll be able to fix this defect before it even leaves the factory.

Now sit back and watch Korvo

as he... fixes everything.

‐ We got another complaint about the defect

on Diode number zork‐6915.

And also, who keeps eating my lunch?

Seriously. It has my name on it, guys.

Stop fucking smiling, Grant, I know it's you!

‐ Oh, I get it, so this mailbox works just like the one

from the Sandy Bullock tear‐jerker The Lake House.

‐ First, her God ‐ given name is Sandra, show some respect.

And second, this is a highly scientific, carefully calibrated portal

that acts as a quantum time travel customer service line.

It's not "like" some crappy movie nobody's ever seen.

‐ First, not a crappy movie.

Two, everybody's seen it.

And three, it's basically the thing from the movie!

‐ Goddammit, Terry, it's nothing like The Lake House!

So it's a little exactly like The Lake House.

‐ Told ya!

Maybe now you'll finally believe that I saw a "The Meg" when I went snorkeling.

‐ Oh my god, you did not see a "The Meg."

Let's get back to work,

and you need to clean up the popcorn you spilled

when Keanu took his shirt off.

‐ Yeah, no thanks on the whole "getting back to work" plan.

Instead, I'm gonna crush a big bag of Buffalo‐flavored Snickers

while I lay here and fart.

‐ Terry, straight‐up, real talk,

why are you such a lazy piece of shit?

‐ Great question, KV. I was grown this way.

I've been lazy all my life, ever since I was a little replicant

birddogging thotties on the playground.

Just me and the thots.

‐ Wouldn't you rather be like me,

rule following, hardworking, slim.

Basically fucking amazing.

‐ Look, nothing and no one at this present time and space

is gwan change me.

You can't change me, you can't change me‐‐

‐ This gives me a very specific idea.

Computer, activate AISHA.

Korvo, make it quick, you know I'm watchin' my stories.

‐ If I were to change the address on the letter

I send through The Lake House device ,

will it get delivered to any Shlorpian in the past?

Technically, yes, but non‐warranty time travel voids the warranty.

‐ Hmmm, I do like warranties. But it's worth a shot.

Dearest Young Terry, I pray this letter finds you well...

My sincere hope is that you will dedicate your life to science

and cleaning up and not being such a lazy piece of shit.

The truth is, if you don't do those things,

your blood will turn into shlorbats.

You know what they are. Your friend, mystery person.

‐ I'd better stop being lazy!

‐ Sorry, Yum, I'm fresh out of the super poisonous snakes.

‐ What else you got, Derek?

‐ These platypi got stingers in 'em that emit a poison

that can seriously fuck somebody up.

‐ Really? They look so cute.

‐ Cute? Check this. Rodney tests all my shit. Yo, Rod!

Show 'em, Ney.

‐ Aah! Oh!

‐ Sweet! I'll take ‘em.

‐ Good morning, sleepy‐peepy!

You just getting up? ‐ Yes.

Ha‐have you been getting a jump start on the day?

‐ You know it, my man!

I already did all the work on the ship,

cleaned the house, folded the laundry.

You know what they say, if you're a lazy piece of shit,

your blood will turn to bats!

‐ Holy fuck, The Lake House device worked!

This is a lot of power, gotta be careful about not abusing it.

Are you eating Honey Nut Hulios with a fork?

‐ Uh, yeah, that's how you eat them.

I'm sorry if it's annoying.

I like the feeling of the tines on my teeth.

‐ Ugh. I'll be right back.

‐ Korvo, just finishing eating my cereal with a spoon like a normal person.

Hey, after I'm done, do you want to spend all afternoon

ranking our favorite buttons on the ship?

I mean, number one has to be laser number 17.

But number two... who fucking knows!

Ha, ha! ‐ I would love to.

‐ Ow! Stop! Ow, heel, bitches!

When you're all swole and shit,

you can come back and beat up all those cool kids.

‐ That's a good idea‐‐ ow!

Fuck you, platypussies!

Hello, my name is Yumyulack. Yeah, I know it's a dope name.

I need to get super jacked and swole with lots of muscles and confidence

so people will respect me and I won't feel like such a loser.

So, obviously, the stakes are high.

Oh, and it has to be done by the time school starts tomorrow.