War, Inc.

Can I have a shot glass, please?

Photo sent.

Stay on this heading for about 6h30min.

Turn left at the Aurora Borealis.

When you see something that looks like a frozen gall bladder, that's Greenland.

Hang a soft right there.

- All set there, Mr. Hauser? - Yeah, thank you.

Guidestar!

Guidestar!

Welcome back.

Hotel? Dinner reservations? Movie tickets, maybe?

Mr. Hauser Is there something else you need?

I don't know. I feel...

Go on.

Like a refuge from the Island of Dr. Moreau.

Some morally inverted, twisted character from a Celine novel.

The hot sauce helps.

You still getting those nightmares you told me about?

They're coming back faster and faster. I don't know if I can keep outrunning 'em.

That'll be it, Jerry. I gotta go.

You bet, Mr. Hauser. GuideStar wants you to feel secure.

GuideStar.

Be still my trembling hands, for how you would tremble...

if you knew where I would take you next.

Incoming message.

Incoming message.

You got him on the comm there? Bring it over.

Hello, Hauser!

Hello, Mr. Vice President.

I haven't been vice president for five months.

Otherwise, this all might be a conflict of interest.

Tamerlane and the U.S. government, and I in particular, were cleared...

of any and all violations of federal, state and international laws...

by the bipartisan committee.

Just read the report.

I'm sure anything you weren't supposed to be doing you were cleared of.

And of course I was preemptively pardoned by the president.

I got the snapshots. Love your work.

- We're all big fans. - Yes.

Let's see if the damn Krauts...

will cross us in the Security Council now.

We seem to be heading southeast. Where am I going?

Hope you like the smell of fresh liberation.

Give me a sec.

I gotta growler down there the size of a cane frog.

Turaqistan.

What's the gig?

Omar Sharif.

- Omar Sharif? - Yeah.

The CEO of Ugi Gas, the Ugikistani conglomerate.

He is building a pipeline through his country.

We didn't liberate Turaqistan to get hustled by a fez head.

Terminate.

Do do that voodoo that you do so well.

You'll be working directly under the viceroy just appointed by the president.

His identity is still being withheld on a need to know basis.

- And no one needs to know. - He asked for you personally.

- What's my cover? - Trade show producer.

Trade show? What show? What show?

It's gonna be huge.

Tamerlane is sponsoring a trade expo, Brand USA.

It's our big launch bringing democracy to this part of the world.

We've bombed the shit out of them, there's a lot of rebuilding to do.

- Shows a nice spirit. - Somebody has to help them.

This is a great opportunity for Tamerlane and the U.S.

Not to mention the people of Turaqistan.

And to top it all off, there's gonna be a gala wedding. Isn't that great?

Seems like a pretty elaborate cover. I'm gonna be responsible for all that shit?

This is a historic moment.

The first war ever to be 100% outsourced to private enterprise.

Tamerlane jets, Tamerlane tanks, Tamerlane soldiers.

And to top it all off, the Brand USA expo.

It's your show, baby.

Welcome to the Turaqi Green Zone, sir.

Tamerlane welcomes Expo Turaqistan, Brand USA.

Welcome to Turaqistan, sir. I'm Marsha Dillon...

hoping you're ready to kill.

I've been briefed.

SPF-Eighty-seven, sir.

- Shall we? - Yes.

It all looks good.

Great lights.

Take out the Tamercard.

What's your cover, by the way?

Undergrad Wharton with a masters in communication at the Annenberg School.

- Very impressive. - Well, it's fake.

- Tell me that's not the stage? - I think it is.

East, honey, east.

Do you want people turning away from the stage to pray five times a day?

Cultural sensitivity. That's what we're about here.

Sorry, sir.

What exactly is wrong with my credentials?

I've been cleared. My colleagues are going in.

- Am I being singled out for some reason? - I can't allow that.

Very curious.

- Find out who she is. - Very curious situation.

- Let's go, ma'am. - Oh. Okay.

And set up a meeting with her in my office.

Do I have an office?

Great. Carry on.

Yes, and I'll just try to rearrange the entire place.

- Just see if you can spin it. - Yes.

Ms. Hegalhuzen.

Your 2:30's here.

I read your piece in "Atlantic Monthly".

Very provocative.

- Nice office. - It's bulletproof.

Send her in.

Passion. This is beautiful.

Thank you!

Hey, okay, okay, we'll be in touch.

- It's a gift. I brought a gift to you. - Thank you.

- It's a form of dance. - Thank you. Good stuff.

Pay-for-view TV. Next week!

And you are an angel.

Thanks for the bag!

Ms. "Hugelhazen".

Hegalhuzen.

- Hegalhuzen. Brand Hauser. - Hello.

- Hi. - Hey.

Come on in.

Now...

Holy shit!

So, you're here to cover our little trade show...

"that's being billed as a liberating Turaqistan..."

satisfy the American consumer's dreams just the opposite now.

The proposed Expo Turaqistan offers nothing more than the auctioning of...

Turaqistan's future to the cause of profit and international branding.

Yeah, I remember that because I wrote it.

There's no corruption here. Just read the Silverman James Report.

I have. It's bullshit.

Look. We've already kicked out of this place. What are we supposed to do?

Turn our backs on all of the entrepreneurial possibilities?

Business is human response to a moral or cosmic crisis.

Whether it's a tsunami or a sustained aerial bombardment...

there's the same urgent call for urban renewal.

When did they start attacking inside the Emerald City?

I wouldn't call that an attack.

Well, technically, that was a bombing. At least it sounded like it was.

Not an attack, which would imply something else.

Do you really think I'm as bad as all this?

- I don't know anything about you. - Would you like to?

It's my job.

You make it sound so tedious. Could be fun.

- Then why don't I begin? - Thought you'd never ask.

Would you excuse me for one minute?

- Call me soon. - When?

You'll feel it.

- All righty then. Where were we? - I haven't said anything yet.

Excellent, 'cause I don't remember hearing anything.

- Then we're off to a great start. - What can I do for you?

Why do I have access? Even on such a low level.

Ouch.

All my writings have called this a violation of international law...

and its practitioners are criminals.

Do you really believe all the stuff you write?

Anyone who could cause this much mayhem when he didn't have to?

The amount of suffering that I've seen?

Hang on.

Okay. Hold on a sec.

But the way I look at it is this.

The day we can actually feel and hear all the suffering of mankind...

that's the day when the Christ will come back.

So we got that going for us. I'll be out in a minute.

Or the Buddha, or Allah, whoever floats your boat.

Ms. Hagenhazel.

- Call me Natalie. - Natalie.

I really must run. I feel like we're on the verge of something important.

Do you think we could continue this conversation over drinks?

- Drinks? - Yeah, I know a friendly place.

Marsha, will you set that up? 9, 10-ish?

Unattended cars will be crushed and incinerated.

Hello, sir. Welcome to Popeye's. How can I help you?

I'll have crawfish etouffee, the Big Flava chicken sandwich with Boss Sauce...

and to top off my meal, a frothy orange drink.

- I'm here to see the viceroy. - Sir.

Don't mention his name. Follow me!

Okay!

Let's go, boys. One, two, one, two march!

- He's not here? - Closed circuit, sir.

Welcome to liberated Turaqistan, Hauser.

Big fan. Have been for ages.

Sorry for the secret identity bullshit...

but it's a brave new security.

I'll be contacting you by phone, but if you wish to contact me...

you'll have to come here to the bunker, 'kay?

Omar Sharif. He's staying at the Freedom Grand through the closing ceremony.

Make sure he doesn't make his plane.

Got it.

Now, about this closing ceremony...

It looks like we Yonica Babyyeah wedding. Incredible, huh?

What is a Yonica Babyyeah?

The Britney Spears of Central Asia.

Kids from Baca to Yemen are nuts for her.

Anyway. The point is...

this weddin' is the grand finale of the trade show.

This is the biggest extravaganza in the history of Central Asia.

And it's the centerpiece of our P.R. blitz here.

It's perfect branding synergy, Hauser.

Blends the image of an American-style woman getting her own and getting it on.