Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Gather around, glorious turd monsters,

and feast your eyes on what I hold in this hand:

the future of movement...

A hoverboard.

- I don't understand those things.

Is walking really so hard for you?

- Oh, Ames, walking's a nightmare.

Yeah, Amy.

Now, friends,

eat my space dust.

Okay, a little harder to control than I thought.

Okay, there we go. Whoo!

Think I'm getting the hang of it.

No, I'm not!

I'm all right.

No!

Ow!

I'm doing it!

I'm doing it!

You got this?

No, I do not got this, Terry!

Don't let go of me!

The future of movement is now!

Whoa!

There he is.

All hail the birthday boy.

Oh, what the hell was that?

- Charles, probably shouldn't have done that

in a police station.

- And not celebrate your birthday properly?

I'd rather get shot.

You do you, Boyle.

I'm doing me.

What's this case?

Oh, this isn't work.

It's research on your mom since we're finally meeting.

It's very thorough.

- Just relax. She's gonna love you.

You're both strong, accomplished women

that have seen me naked.

- I used to be so good at meeting grownups.

I'd just sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" flawlessly

and ride that wave till bath time.

But now... it's anybody's guess.

- All right, what I am about to say will make you very horny,

but you have to try and remember that we're still at work.

Do you want me to quiz you?

Oh, God, yes.

- Wow. Okay, great.

What is my mother's favorite drink?

Red wine over ice.

- Just like Diane Keaton, or so she always says.

Favorite topics of conversation?

Jimmy Carter was underrated,

how beautiful some front doors are.

What's Jane Seymour up to?

And how cool is it

that the ladies across the street are lesbians?

- Great. Nice work.

Topics to avoid: how my dad left us and ruined our lives,

how my dad got remarried twice and ruined our lives,

how my dad moved to Canada

and ruined our lives. - You know what?

I'm just gonna steer clear of your dad entirely.

Smart.

You're gonna be fine, all right?

She's gonna totally love you.

Are those her dental records?

Gina, are you excited for our

"Escape the Room" team-building exercise?

- I told you, sir, it would be far more effective

for the squad to go to Vegas, and you give us each $5,000.

No, I see no value in that.

But nine coworkers forced to riddle their way free

from a locked room...

- I would spend my $5,000 to buy backstage passes to Britney,

and then I'd ask her one question:

You think you're a better dancer than me?

We are not going to Las Vegas.

We're going to Long Island City and we will bond meaningfully,

and that is a direct order.

I'll see you at 8:00 tonight.

Tonight?

Um...

Okay, great.

Jake! Jakester!

Remember when I did not email you about

Captain Holt's "Escape the Room" thing tonight?

No, and I can't go.

Amy and I are going to my mom's house for my birthday.

- Adults don't care about their birthdays.

- You came to work last year on a horse.

- Man, forget you. Where's Charles?

- On a stakeout with Rosa and Terry.

Police work?

What a waste of time.

So no Jake, no Amy, no Charles, no Rosa, no Terry.

That leaves me with...

- Aah. Ooh!

- Aah. - Aah.

Oh, dear God.

- Okay, this is the block our boy Tommy Tran does his drops.

Before we do anything else, are your body cams turned on?

- Why are you so obsessed with these things?

It's like your stupid babies all over again.

My babies are not stupid.

Cagney can write a lowercase L.

It's just a line, right?

Look, I worked hard to get us included in that pilot program.

Body cams are important,

and I need these field tests to go well.

I'm gonna go take my position.

"Just a straight line." Come on!

- Unique New York. Unique New York.

Unique New York.

I took a Toastmasters class to prepare for tonight.

Seriously, it's gonna be fine.

We're just gonna have some dinner, eat dessert,

play charades, and then talk for half an hour

about which of her friends are sick.

We're gonna play charades?

You wait until t-minus two seconds to tell me that?

Okay. Movie. Book.

What's the thing for song? I don't know the thing for song.

Hi, birthday boy.

Hi.

Mom, is something on fire?

- Yeah. - Okay.

You must be Amy.

Let me take you in.

Okay.

I'll just take in this gorgeous front door of yours.

- Mom, seriously, the fire? - It's fine.

Things don't burn down like they used to.

I'm just gonna put it out.

- Well, you know, it's good enough for Diane Keaton.

It's good enough for me.

I love her.

I mean, she's no Jane Seymour.

Where is Jane Seymour now, anyway?

- She makes jewelry, and it's beautiful.

I just bought two brooches for the lesbians across the street.

Mom, I keep telling you,

if you don't rein it in a little bit,

you're gonna scare them off.

- Well, that's what you said about Carla,

and I ignored it,

and now I have a friend with one arm.

I stand corrected.

- Oh, must be your birthday surprise.

You got the '86 Mets?

Be warned, a lot of them turned out to be drug addicts,

so this could be a bummer.

You ready?

Hey, buddy.

Happy birthday.

- Dad? What are you doing here?

I wanted to surprise you.

Yeah, well I am surprised

that you know it's my birthday.

Actually, Jake...

your father and I are, uh,

seeing each other again.

Oh!

Wow, that's...

That's so interesting.

Oh...

- I know this isn't the best time,

but we are in your childhood bedroom,

and I do have one question:

did you have a nose ring in high school?

- Yes. Until it got infected and I almost went blind.

Don't tell anyone.

Cool. It's our secret.

Just gonna check my email up high.

No new messages.

Amy, can we focus?

What is going on here? Why is my dad dating my mom?

What does he want?

Money, but she's a public school art teacher.

That doesn't make any sense.

Maybe that son of a bitch wants his picture drawn!

Jake, Karen is a grown woman

with a pretty respectable credit score.

I'm sure she knows what she's doing.

- Amy, I know that you have a binder,

but you don't know her like I do.

She's too trusting for her own good.

She's fallen for more Nigerian scams than Scully.

- She's fallen for 20 Nigerian scams?

20?

That's insane.

No, she's fallen for 2. Scully's fallen for 20?

Yeah.

- Look, all right, you know what?

This is fine.

It's just the same that it's always been.

I have to protect her.

I'm gonna go down there,

and I'm going to express my concerns to her