Dog with a Blog

I know what's bothering you.

Someone is eating bacon in front of you, and not offering you any.

No, Stan, that's not it.

Then are you, perhaps, bothered by your inability

to take a hint?

Tomorrow's the first day of school. Summer's over.

No more learning how to play guitar, or planting trees,

or volunteering at the community center.

You didn't do any of those things.

And now I never will.

Here, Stan. School's made me not hungry.

Yeah!

Thanks, school! No bacon left behind.

You do realize that it's Turkey bacon?

So, I've eaten a mouse, thrown it up, and eaten it again.

I'm not what you would call fancy.

- Hey, Tyler. You ready to do it? - Do what?

Last year, we agreed you could only keep your hair

this ridiculously long if you got all A's and B's.

Well, you got a couple of C's, buddy.

And C is for cut. Time to cut your hair.

I also got a D... oh, why did I say that?

We had a deal, Tyler.

What kind of parents would we be if we didn't follow through?

Your son is getting C's and D's, could you do any worse?

Come on, Tyler. I've been cutting your hair

since you were little and you've always liked it.

What do you think, hun? Maybe take this off here.

- Yeah, and feather this here. - Oh, I could taper it here.

I think my hand's stuck under here.

Oh, I'm going to cut that all off.

Okay, you made your point.

I'm definitely going to study harder this year.

No need to keep pretending you're really going to do this.

You're really going to do this?

Tyler, I haven't even done anything yet.

That looks like fun. Let me try.

I thought that might happen.

Chloe, we're not doing this for our entertainment.

Did I miss it? Should I make popcorn? Did you make popcorn?

Why has no one made popcorn?

Avery, as I just got done telling your sister,

we're not doing this for your entertainment.

Sit here next to me... it's the best view.

Have some popcorn.

Okay, Tyler, here we go.

I'll never forget you.

Oh, so much body, so much wave.

Oh, and I'll miss you most of all, frizzy cowlick.

Well, at least this time I wasn't the one being groomed.

And, man, I've had some pretty crazy haircuts

over the years.

Cornrows.

Pompadour.

Princess Leia.

So, what does everybody think?

Well, you can see his face which is... a fact.

Look at me. I'm making hair angels.

I think it looks great, Tyler.

I think you're just going to have to get used to it.

Hand me the mirror.

No!

Oh, Tolstoy.

Well, you seem happy, Avery.

What gave me away?

Well, mainly this.

I'm so excited, Stan, because today's the first day of school.

I just love school. All the reading and studying;

the rush you get when you correct a teacher.

It's like grifting a grifter.

And why did I pick a rock star rabbit lunch box?

Everyone's going to call me rock star rabbit.

Chloe, no one's going to call you that 'cause of your lunch box.

Oh, mommy.

Last year I picked a little red lunch box

and everyone called me little red all year.

I'm not sure that's why.

What else could it be?

You're not going to be able to hide it forever.

Well I have to try, don't I?

Thanks to you, now I have to follow through on something.

All right. First day of school. Don't wanna be late.

Tyler, make sure Chloe gets safely to her class.

Avery, make sure Tyler gets safely to his class.

Lindsay!

Wait, we're in eighth grade now.

We should probably be a little more cool.

Oh, you're right. Redo.

S'up.

Hey, guys.

Max!

I'm so glad our little group is back.

Wow, that's so nice. Usually you're so negative.

I'm just relieved you're here.

I was certain that over the summer

one of us would get sucked into a pit of quicksand.

There's our Max. We're not getting sucked in quicksand.

That's what people always say, until the day it happens.

And remember, struggling only makes it worse.

Well, the important thing is, we're all back and nothing has changed.

Okay, Annie has changed. She lost her braces and got her...

Yeah.

Wow, Natalie's, like, a foot taller. And so is Kim.

And Brian.

And Amanda and Paige and Ben and Rachel and Xing Xao Rubenstein.

I'm the only one who didn't grow. I feel like I shrunk.

Well, only in comparison to all the other kids who look their age.

Oh, sorry, I guess that's not helping.

I feel like everyone's looking at me wondering,

"look at Avery! Why didn't she grow?"

I don't know why!

Avery, no one was looking at you until you shouted like a total loon.

People look at total loons.

Which reminds me, I saw your mom at the supermarket.

Avery, kids grow at different rates. It's not a big deal.

Yeah, I'm about your height.

Last year, you were up to my Windsor knot.

You're growing.

I know. I feel huge.

Growing's not all it's cracked up to be.

I went up a hat size over the summer.

Lost a lot of good fedoras.

So, count your blessings!

Oh, I miss the kids.

I can't believe they're going to be gone all day.

I wish there were some way I could miss them less.

Hey! I've got it.

Hi, little Avery.

Hi, little Tyler.

Hi, little Chloe.

You'll keep me company, won't you?

Why did I make them out of cheese?

No, cut it out, okay? Leave me alone, Danny!

Come on! Let's see it. How bad can it be? I bet it's hilarious.

No! It's too short. It's hideous. I'm a monster.

You know what? I respect that.

If you don't want to show me, I'm not gonna pressure you to...

Ha!

You are so predictable.

You're right, I don't know what I was...

Ha!

Dude, I always know what you're going to do before you do it.

Yeah, I guess so. Ha!

Okay, I only wore three hoods. I had no idea you were gonna do that.

I'll catch you guys later.

Stan, it's the middle of school. What are you doing here?

Good point, shouldn't be here.

So, as long as I'm here, what do you want to do?

You wanna hang? Maybe talk trash about Ginny and Joe?

What does she see in him?

There's no couple at the school named Ginny and Joe.

So, what you're saying is Ginny is available?

What are you doing? Are you just here because you miss us?

What? Not "just."

I also was hoping to be a live model for the art class.

Go home, we'll be back after school.

Fine, but they'll be missing out on my "who, me?" Pose...

"Who, me?"

Whoa, who's the new kid?

Wes Manning. Looked him up on the Internet.

He's a 64-year-old retired machinist

from Tenafly, New Jersey. Thank you, Internet.

He's really cute. Wait here, I'm gonna do a walk-by.

You'll probably think I'm weird, but I'm kind of excited.

I really like school.

Likes school!

I like girls who are smart and funny.

Likes smart, funny girls.

So, because we were reading animal farm,

he took us on a field trip to a petting zoo.

That's what happens when you let a football coach teach an English class.

Guys, he likes reading and making fun of football coaches.

He's perfect!

Well, you should go talk to him.

No. I can't.

I mean, he probably only likes the tall girls who grew over the summer.

Oh, that's crazy. You're smart and funny and really cute.

Just talk to him. What's the worst that could happen?

You walk over there, you trip, you throw up on yourself.

It's called the trip-puke.

Okay. I'm gonna do it.

I mean, what Lindsay said, not the trip-puke.

Nobody plans the trip-puke. It just happens.

Just look at the sixth graders.

Remember when we were that little?

No, wait. I don't... I'm not... I don't even...

I'm just... I'm just...

Too short.

Too short! Too short! Too short!

I know it is! Stop mocking me!

You're home, you're home!

Oh, I don't know if you've been gone months or years,

but I wasn't sure if you were ever coming back!

Stan, I just left this morning for the first day of school.

And you didn't send one postcard.

Oh, you're home! You're home!

Oh, I know it's only been a day, but I've missed you so much!

Ugh, it felt like a year.

That's what I was saying!

You know you're supposed to go up and down.