Cuckoo

'Dear Chief Ken, I am writing you from the city Shanghai

'in a country the local people call China.

'Sorry I took off at Christmas without saying goodbye.

'It all got so complicated. I had a lot of thinking to do.

'Lichfield, England, is often on my mind,

'but Lady Luck's been kind to me these last six months.

'I have a place to live

'and a top job in the Shanghai business community.

'Yes, Chief Ken, I can say at last with absolutely certainty

'that everything is going my way.'

Oh! Hey, guys!

That was a great party last night. It was your birthday, right, Hwang?

Let me see,

three cold ones coming right up.

He found out.

Is he real mad?

Sorry, I forgot that was there.

I just cleaned the place yesterday!

Well, that's not fair, Lu Hong.

I taught you how to nunchuk.

Now look, guys, we're all going to laugh about this someday.

But for now,

I should probably get on a plane.

Definitely get on a plane.

40 minutes?! Mate, my wife is about to give birth here.

20 minutes. OK. Yeah. We can hold on for that long.

Right.

I would like a prawn jalfrezi, a chicken bhuna, naans,

- all of them - peshwari, keema... - Tandoori special.

Tandoori special for four. Lovely. Thank you.

Well remembered, Dylan.

What? The baby's a week late. Curry induces labour.

We've had it three times this week, greedy-guts!

Lorna, it's nothing to do with being greedy.

This is one of those rare occasions in life

when doing the right thing is also doing the tasty thing.

Besides, you need

to keep your strength up.

- It's going to be tough when the baby arrives. - Yeah...

Ken, you know

- these new branches we're opening up in Sutton Coldfield? - Yeah.

- Congratulations, love! - Thanks, Ken. They want me to start straight away.

Erm... Hang on.

So I was thinking this time round you might handle the baby duties.

- Paternity leave? I don't think so! - Ha-ha, this is jokes. - Interesting.

- Why not? - Well, a bit sudden, isn't it? You've rather sprung it on me.

Sort of like you sprang a baby on me by lying about your vasectomy.

But I'd have to go in and speak to the other partners,

and I am hugely important to that firm.

I'm a king to them, in my own humble way.

- Good. You can go and talk to them tomorrow. - Yes. All right.

- I mean, yeah, I'll talk to them. - Great!

Ha-ha, Dad, going to look after the baby?

Going to give it its bockle and wear a pinny

and be the pwimawy carer?

Oh, shut up. I'm not even going to mention this at work.

As soon as your mother lays eyes on that baby

and the old oxytocin hormone starts a-flowing,

all thoughts of paternity leave will exit her mind.

- No, I'm just going to ride this out. - Yeah, sweet plan, Dad.

Now give me 20 quid or I'll tell Mum.

Oh, Dylan?

- When you go to university and leave home... - Yeah, what?

Nothing. It's just a wonderful thought.

Bell end.

Yum-yum, here you are...

Chief Ken!

It's me. Dale.

- What the hell...? - Long time no see. - Dale?!

Well, come on, come in!

Lorna! It's Dale!

And so concludes another marathon session in the drinking

establishments of Lichfield.

Thanks for being designated driver. God, it must be boring not drinking.

Oh, you know me. Couldn't be boring if I tried.

Oh, I'm so glad we stayed friends.

Best friends. Besties!

Could have easily been weird, what with us almost being engaged.

Well, technically, we were engaged. You said yes.

- But then I said no about ten seconds later. - Exactly.

So we were engaged for ten seconds.

The point is, you're still the love of my life.

It's just you're the friend love of my life.

I think it's because

it never really got that good for us sexually, did it?

Yeah...

Rachel!

Hi, Ben.

You have to come in!

Dale's back!

- Oh, fuck off! - Oh, my God...

Ben?

- How do I look? - Not your best.

I mean, maybe just stay in the car, wait until he's gone away again.

- Yeah... - Wish me luck.

Yeah. You go, girl...

Have fun...

Yum-yum in my tum! One thing I've missed while in Asia, good curry.

- Dale, you look so nice in your suit. Doesn't he, Rach? - Yeah.

- It's very nice. - Mr Xi had this suit made for me personally.

Oh! Mr Xi is my new mentor.

- What a wise and inspirational man, let me tell ya! - Right. - Mm-hm.

He's not... another cult leader, is he?

Of course not, Lorna! I learned my lesson on that one.

- You guys must have thought I was a real dope! - Well, we did...

- No, we did not! - No. - No.

No, Mr Xi is actually a very successful businessman.

So with things going so great for you out there,

Well, once a man has found success in his work,

his attention turns to matters of the heart.

- Oh, Dale doesn't need to go into it just now, does he? - No. No, no.

Well, you can stay as long as you want.

We're doing up your room for the baby,

so you'll have to stay in Dylan's room.

- Well, that isn't happening. - Great idea!

We could get those old bunk beds out.

No, we could get the old bunk beds in your arse. I'm not...

Insubordination.

It is SO good to have you back, Dale.

You can move your old bed out. I'm not touching your clammy mattress.

He's come back for Rachel! Finally, it's happening.

- Love is in the air, Ken. - Yeah. And she could do worse, as well.

He's a good lad, is Dale.

I mean, he's no brainbox, but, y'know, he gets stuck in.

I wouldn't want Rach to move to China.

Although it is a growing economy, I read.

Yeah. I don't know, y'know?

Rachel's in a bit of a rut right now. Maybe change would do her good.

And if it's Dale, I mean,

who cares if he's her dead husband's son by a teenage one-night stand?

As the song goes!

- Hey. - Well, hey, Mom!

Me and Dylan are just building up these bunk beds.

Yeah. Do you think we could drop the whole "Mom" thing

now that you're back and since we have had... sex?

Yeah, that makes sense.

Maybe I'll just call ya Rachel. Or Rach.

I don't know, I can't choose. I like 'em both.

Dale, erm, I've been thinking.

Last time you left so suddenly, and I felt that we had some...

- talking to do. - Yes. Yes, I'm so glad you said that.

So maybe we could go out?

There's a neat little Italian just popped up on the high street.

Oh, cool.

- What does he want? - No. Erm, it's a restaurant, not a person.

Oh. Got it, got it. I love that.

- OK, cool. - Um, well...

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

The car just accelerated away, and...

Hey! How are my NCT homies?

- Hey, Jess! Good to see you! - How's it going? - Oh, ready to pop.

Mark's still in Dubai, so, yeah, poor, deserted, pregnant Jess!

- Oh, it's a crying shame. - Mm.

Well, he sends cheques, so, you know, maybe I should buy a man in.

How much for this one?

Too much for anyone. I sell by the pound!

- Yeah, all right. - We're actually overdue now.

Oh, well, erm, a friend of mine swears the only thing that works

is nipple stimulation.

Oh, yeah? Oh, we'll have to give that a go.

Us? Ken, you're naughty!

Ohhh! Oh, no! Oh, hell, no. No!

No, I meant Lorna and I!

Oh! Of course! Oh!

No, of course!

Well... No, you two are... You are the sweetest.

I could just eat you up!

Rarrr!

Anyway, better run, so, erm, see you on the other side!

- Bye! - Bye.

- Good luck! - She's the worst. - I like her. - Because she fancies you.

I love you for even thinking that's a possibility.

Right, if I can summarise, Adrian totally cocked things up

and now they're suing us.

Not a great result, Ken, but I gave it 100%.

Oh, well, as long as you tried

All right, thank you, meeting adjourned.

Er, sorry, wait, everyone. Er, Ken? Aren't you forgetting something?

I don't think so.

All of you, sit down.

Ken, you drongo, you forgot to ask for your paternity leave.

- What are you doing? - Lorna texted me to remind you.

So, everyone, Ken really,

really wants six months' paid leave to look after his baby.

You do realise you're supposed to give six weeks' notice?

You really are putting us in a difficult position.

Oh, so it's a no, then. Oh, that is a shame.

You'd better text Lorna. Thank you, everyone.

On the other hand, it would be

an inspiring example to the female workforce.

- I think I like it. - Jane, are you on crazy pills?

We can't do without Ken!

He's the big daddy, the grand old duke of law.

He makes it rain like a bloody nimbostratus.

I mean, looking at it objectively, I do see Adrian's point.

Oh, I don't know, we're big boys and girls. We can handle it.

- We'll be fine! - Yes, brave words, guys, but let's not be cursory, OK?

Adrian? Maybe unpack what you were saying a little bit more.

- I don't know, er... - Yes, you do.

- Why shouldn't I do paternity leave? - Er, Ken's the rain maker...