Mr. Iglesias

Mr. Iglesias was recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Whoo!

Happy January, everybody!

Oh, man, it feels so good to be back together.

Can I get a witness?

Can I get a hallelujah?

Hallelujah!

Did we have a good Christmas?

My Christmas was terrible.

Amazon sent me exactly what I wanted!

-How is that terrible? -I didn't tell anyone what I wanted, man!

Well, I got a lot of presents...

to wrap,

working at Lola's Dress Barn.

Ooh, Lola's, I love their commercials.

Yee-haw!

Welcome back, kids.

How Is my ministry of history?

Can I get a pal-elujah?

Y'all did so well last semester.

I can't believe my Academic Decathlon champs

came from what Carlos called the "dum-dum room."

Dum-dum room?

Hey, we're smart.

I took a BuzzFeed IQ test,

and they said I'm qualified to be a dogcatcher.

Mikey, you stay off those BuzzFeed tests.

I took a "Which Member of Destiny's Child Are You?" quiz.

Yeah, Kelly Rowland, my ass.

Anyway, I am so proud of you

and this big-hearted genius right here.

He's done so well with you.

He's got you on track to go to college.

Yeah, and Mr. Iglesias doesn't even grade us on a curve,

but I grade on curves, and you are getting an A+.

I don't know whether to suspend Walter

or hire him as my publicist.

Um...

-Well, keep up the good work, y'all! -Ditto!

Look, your principal has high expectations for you, as do I!

Starting now, everything counts.

The fun part of school is officially over.

What?

The first ten-and-a-half years were the fun part?

Oh, man.

Second semester sophomore year seems a little late to start trying.

I've had a 4.0 since kindergarten.

Nerd alert!

Look, school, up to this point, was just to prepare you

for the next phase of your life.

Phase? Don't tell me there's another puberty coming!

It's just college.

But first, there's an endless series of culturally biased standardized tests,

like the PSATs, SATs, ACTs...

Really all the Ts.

So, uh, who's excited?

Who else?

Look, you're all smart enough to go to college.

Plus, you're gonna have me in your corner,

like Burgess Meredith in the Rocky movies.

Who's Burgess Meredith?

Rocky's trainer.

Okay, well, who's Rocky?

Mr. Iglesias, let me put this in young people's terms, OK?

If Creed is Instagram,

Rocky is a postcard from your grandmom. You feel me?

-You guys wanna hear the funny voice? -Yes!

Okay... All right, Rock, I want you to get in there.

I want you to give it to 'em.

-You're gonna get hit with SATs, PSATs... -

...a bunch of Ts.

You gotta apply yourself,

as many applications as you can till your hands fall off.

But I love my hands!

Mikey...

it's a metaphor.

I don't care if it's a meta-four, a meta-five or a six!

It sounds scary!

It's not scary till it's Metamucil.

Whoo!

Hey, Abby. So why did you leave my New Year party so early?

Because I was the only one there.

Hey, everyone I invited was there.

Yeah, know what would be a really great New Year's resolution for you?

Less creepy.

Hey, Gaber! How's first day back going?

Not great.

You know, I tried to inspire my homeroom class,

and I think I scared Mikey with my Rocky speech.

A$AP Rocky?

You did listen to my mixtape.

All of my speeches scare kids.

Yeah, they scare adults too.

How do you un-scare a kid?

Ooh! Ooh! You give him the hiccups.

I saw that! That's a violation!

I'm writing you up!

Ugh, Carlos!

That's one voice I did not miss over the break.

Yeah. Makes my wife Gertrude's caterwauling sound mellifluous.

Hey, listen, guys, I got a special trick for dealing with Carlos. Just watch.

I see another Christmas has come and gone, and someone has not gotten long pants.

Yep, still no pantalones from Panta-claus.

Panta-claus!

Oh, that is hysterical.

I am so happy to be back!

Miss Spencer, no! Don't encourage his juvenile high jinks.

So, Carlos, uh... how's the drama department?

Oh, Gabriel, it's glorious!

Introducing young minds to the power of theater.

Such a gift, and not just for me, but for them too.

Would you mind sharing some of your gift with us right now?

Ha! Sir, you have me at a disadvantage. Gabriel, I don't have anything prepared.

Life...

is but a walking shadow.

A poor player that struts

and frets his hour upon the stage,

and then is heard no more.

It is a tale told by an idiot!

Yeah, it is.

Full of sound and fury, signifying...

...nothing!

Hear, hear!

-Did you guys see that? -You turned off his D-bag switch!

Yeah!

That was amazing!

Would it work on Tony?

Yeah, even Panta-claus can't help him.

Hey, listen, I'm-- I'm really sorry about this morning's pep talk.

It's just that I'm so confident you're all gonna go to college,

I-- I forget you might not be as confident in yourselves.

But you will be.

I know I'mma be just fine, Mr. Iglesias.

Ah, look at that. I'm back!

That's right. Like that poem says, "I am walking right beside you.

And when you look down

and see only one set of footprints in the sand,

they'll be mine...

because I will be carrying you."

My grandma has that poster in her bathroom.

My abuelita just has a picture of the Virgin Mary in a Raiders jersey.

Respect.

No need to carry me, Mr. Iglesias.

I got a plan.

Oh, a plan.

Check out Plan-tonio Plan-deras over here!

I'm turning 16 next month.

That's not a plan, Mikey.

That's just math.

Yup...

and I'm dropping out.

Respect.

No! No! No! No respect!

Look, what are you thinking?

No hard road to college for this guy.

My cousin, Little Cricket,

says he can get me a job working at the Amazon Fulfillment Center.

Mikey, we've had this conversation before.

What did I tell you about listening to relatives named after insects?

Okay, no crickets, no spiders, no scorpions, la mosca, that's the...

You can't give up on yourself. You haven't even started trying.

Hey, I may not be good at everything, but if there's one thing I'm great at,

it's giving up on myself.

Balboa down! Balboa down!

Ya gotta get up!

What's the matter with you?

Balboa, that's Rocky's last name?

You win, we're watching the movie tomorrow.

Oh! How is my favorite teacher?

Hmm... Gabriel's having lunch on the quad.

He is awfully nice.

Yeah, well, speaking of nice,

are you enjoying the new Carlos as much as the rest of us?

More.

The administrative wing has never been so peaceful.

-Mm-hmm. -It's just me,

my deaf geriatric secretary, and the World Wide Web.

Unfortunately, no kids have signed up for his class.

Hard to believe no one wants to play dress-up

with the high school po-po.

Well, I need every teacher to tell their kids to sign up.

Oh, come on now. I like my students.

You like them so much you wanna get stuck with the old Carlos?

Give me the clipboard.

There you are!

Jesus, Joseph, and Mary! The hell are you doing here?

-Mr. Hayward, I need your help. -Oh, lucky me!

Look, I was trying to inspire my class about going to college,

and I scared Mikey, and now he wants to drop out of high school.

Mikey?

Oh, no, not Mikey!

Which one is Mikey?

Never mind, listen.

Life's decisions can be hard,

and kids aren't always equipped to handle it.

They need help, and I've got just the answer.

Ooh! A chart!

Are you familiar with the Japanese concept of ikigai?

Uh, no, but a waitress once called Tony an icky guy.

Well, ikigai is a way to find your life's purpose...