Search Party

What--what is this?

- It's a present. I made it for you.

Oh.

- I know it doesn't look like much,

but I wanted to surprise you.

A surprise for what?

- Well, do you mind telling me what day it is, Chip?

- It's the 10th day of December.

- Oh, shoot. We missed it.

- We missed what? - Nothing. Forget it.

- No, no, wait. Dory, please, please tell me.

What did we miss? Please?

- It's silly. It's just...

our three month friend-iversary.

I thought it would be nice to celebrate the day

that I arrived here by doing something special like--

like a dinner together or something.

But...we missed it, so...

It's okay, we can just celebrate it next year.

Fuck! Idiot!

Oh, well.

We can just do it now.

- Yeah? - Yeah!

- Okay-- - Wait, don't eat this.

I'm gonna make something special.

- Okay. - Oh, my God.

Dory, I'm so happy

that you're finally acknowledging we're friends.

Me too.

- Ugh! -

I'm so lucky.

both: Amen.

- What did you pray for today, Charlie?

- I prayed for my makeup artist, Missy Winebasket.

I overheard Missy on the phone with her mommy

that she was at the Midtown Women's March this weekend.

I pray for you, Missy,

and I pray for all the women out there

who claim to be "feminists" when they're really just

man-hating, handout-hungry witches

who come together to wear hideous pink hats

and to cast spells on women like me with differing beliefs

all in the name of a movement

that's been irrelevant since 1920.

What did you pray for? - Thank you, Charlie.

That was beautiful, first of all.

Mm-hmm.

- Today, I pray for a gay restaurant

that I was booed out of this morning.

Yeah.

Okay, I just wanna say and get this on the record finally.

I hate gay people.

And I'm allowed to hate myself.

It's actually in the Constitution.

Do I think gay people should exist? No.

Do I think I should exist? Absolutely not, okay?

And I do not have a problem in being a vocal advocate

in violently dismantling gay rights, okay?

No more workplace protections.

No more, people. No more marriage.

I can't believe that I almost got gay married.

Yeah, me. True life, okay?

You know what happens when you get gay married?

People die.

A caterer was hit by a car at my wedding.

A car that a lesbian was driving.

So...psh. So yeah.

My prayer today is that there is a gay gene

and that scientists can find it,

isolate it, and kill it.

Thank you.

Great prayer.

- This china was a gift to my Aunt Lylah from JFK.

No silverware?

- No, no silverware, just the beautiful china.

Forgive me for not being able to trust you

around sharp objects, but you made your bed.

- Hey, you're sulking. - Oh.

- Isn't this what you wanted? - I'm sorry.

This all looks so beautiful. - Thank you.

- And I just wish that I felt beautiful too.

- Oh, you look great. You look great the way you are.

- No, I just-- I wanna look nice, you know?

Like, put on a fancy dress

or, I don't know, take a shower.

- Well, I can get you a dress. - Yeah?

- Yeah, I think Aunt Lylah has just the right one.

- Okay, yeah, I mean-- - Yeah.

- Yeah, a dress would be-- a dress would be great.

- It should fit you just perfectly.

- Oh, the teeth! That counts, that counts.

- No, no, no. If it's teeth, I get a point.

- No!

Boys, I'm sorry.

But can Andrew and I have a moment?

Ooh, I don't like that tone.

- Well, why do I have to leave?

- I-- -

Please?

- People take advantage of me. Always have.

Hey, what's going on?

- Well, I don't know how to say this,

but I Googled you.

And after a few dozen Andrew Gardners come up,

you start to see Drew Gardner,

and I learned that you're not from South Africa.

You were born in Chicago.

And that...

You need glasses.

And I learned a few other things.

- Um, is this about my murder trial?

- - Okay, okay--

So what it says is true?

- Hey, look, I-- - No, no, no, no, no.

Hey, hey, hey.

I'm so, so sorry I didn't tell you about it, okay?

It's just I came here to put that life behind me, okay?

And that's not who I am.

I mean, it is. Yeah, it is, it's--

I don't want it to be anymore, okay?

And I like it here because none of that stuff exists.

I could sit here and I could just lie to you

about my past, but I don't wanna do that to you, okay?

So ask me anything and-- and I'll tell you the truth.

Whatever you wanna know, just ask.

- Okay. - Okay?

Oh, my God.

Oh, you look so beautiful.

- Really? - Oh.

Do you feel better? - Mm-hmm.

- Well, dinner is served.

Oh, okay.

Oh, wow.

It looks so good.

Happy friend-iversary.

Happy friend-iversary.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

- No, no, no, come on! It's a food fight.

Every friendship has a food fight.

Didn't you know that?

Wait, really?

Oh, my God!

- Oh, come on. You can do better than that.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay, you win, you win!

Yeah!

Oh, no.

Chip, you got too carried away.

But--but...food fight.

- I mean, I gonna have to get cleaned up.

I can't eat like this.

I really wish you had controlled yourself, Chip.

Oh.

What are we gonna do now?

- You know, I actually invented

a very powerful stain remover six years ago.

I didn't even mean to. I was just messing around

with some chemicals to remind myself of my time at MIT.

That's amazing, Chip.

- Well, that's not the amazing part.

The amazing part is a laboratory

got their hands on it, and they discovered

that it is as close to a cure for lupus

that we presently have.

Can you believe that?

I didn't mean to invent

a stain remover or a cure for lupus,

let alone a stain remover that would become a cure for lupus.

So you see what I mean about having

too many options in my life?

I mean, if I succeed at everything,

how am I supposed to choose?

- Chip? - Yeah?

- Would--would you sing me something?

- Of course. Um...

Okay--two, three, four.

Pe-pe-pe-pe-pe-pew!

No!

Pew!

- What are you doing? -