Top Gear

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

Hello, good evening,

and welcome

to a Top Gear Nativity Special.

Tonight, we are the three wise men,

and our challenge is to get from the East

to the birthplace of the Baby Jesus here, in Bethlehem.

Yeah, we were told we could make the journey in any car we chose,

so long as it, A) cost less than L3,500,

and B) was a two-seater convertible sports car.

However, before we even set off, there was a problem.

Because, you see, in order to go to Bethlehem,

we had to drive through Israel, and for political reasons

the Israelis aren't very happy about cars from any of these countries

coming across their border.

So we had to get our wheels from up here,

in the former Soviet republic of Georgia,

and ship them to the start point in a Russian transport plane.

Trouble is, we didn't know where the start point was.

I've been quite brave with my choice of car - Fiat Barchetta.

I used to have one of these, but this isn't just any Barchetta, it's a Riviera special edition.

Black paint, red quilted leather, it's beautiful.

You haven't been brave, you've been stupid.

It's beautiful! It's stupid ,it's a Fiat. Look at that.

I have been a wise man.

I have bought a Mazda MX-5.

Yeah, the boring, obvious choice.

That's why I originally bought myself one of those.

Yes, because, listen, every time we do one of these trips,

every time, I get the interesting car that's in a cloud of steam.

This time, wherever we're going, this will make it. You know that.

As you'd expect, I've been the wisest and I've done this properly.

I've combined European stylishness with legendary German reliability,

in this BMW Z3.

I didn't know...

We're banking, aren't we?

I didn't know you could get a Z3 for less than L3,500.

You can't. Well, how much did you pay for it?

I rounded it up.

How...? L3,966.

Well, that's more than the budget, you've spent too much!

So we're not three wise men -

we're one wise man, an idiot and a cheat.

'We then started wondering where we might be going. '

Oman? Is it China? Well, if they came from the East, Norfolk.

Well, I'm telling you, wherever the hell that is, it's not Norwich.

'We'd find out soon enough, though,

'because it was time to take our seats for landing. '

Ah, there we go. Seatbelt fastened.

Throttling back, approach to something.

ELECTRONIC BUZZING What the hell are they doing?

Oh, my God! Ahh!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Where the hell is that?

Aaaah...!

Oh, no! Aaah!

Hammond! Put your handbrake on!

If the straps break, I'm... Ah!

A- a-a-ah!

I just saw a runway.

Undercarriage is down. Here we go, we're landing.

Here we are, levelling off. Levelling off.

Land it, land it!

Please, land! What's he doing? He's missed the runway.

A- a-a-ah!

A- a-a-ah!

We're coming in again.

Land it this time, sunshine.

PLANE'S TYRES SCREECH We're down. Whoa!

Well, we're here. Wherever here is, we've arrived.

'And now we'd find out exactly where "here" was. '

You can't tell anything by looking out there. Gentlemen,look who's arrived. We have the...

What are they?

They are flak jackets.

Wow. Why?

That is real bullet-proof. Kevlar.

Bullet-proof jackets.

What have we got to do?

Oh, God. What?

Go on. You have landed in Iraq.

I've heard of that. Give up.

Bethlehem is 1,200 miles away,

but between here and there there are a few wars.

Best of luck, and don't forget to pick up some gold,

frankincense and myrrh on the way.

Yeah, enough of the myrrh and stuff, but Iraq?

That's Iraq? That is Iraq.

God.

Well, we've got to get off the plane.

Well, you go first.

I can't go first, can I? Because you're parked in the way.

Can we get...

We'll all go at the same time. Yeah, we'll be right behind you.

All just go three, two, one, go. Go.

Everybody know what we're doing?

We'll go on three, two, one, all three out, decent speed, yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah. OK.

Is everybody running?

Handbrakes off.

Anybody want to talk about anything? No, let's just do it, OK,

if we're ready. In...

three, two, one, go!

You bastards!

Did you stall?

Yes, I did.

I'm taking evasive action.

Where are you? "Did you make it?"

I'm alive, I'm hiding in a big shed.

Right, James, in three, two, one, go.

Here we go.

Come on!

You BEEP. Where where you? I'm really sorry, Hammo.

Thanks for leaving me on my own to draw the fire.

Right.

'Having successfully covered 300 yards,

'we got the map out so we could plan our next move. '

According to the sign on the back of that fire engine over there...

.. we are in Arbil, here.

Bethlehem's there.

So, first thing's first, you would agree,

we've got to get out of Iraq as quickly as possible.

Now, the nearest border's Turkey, but there's no road up there,

so if we go into Iran...

Hang on, Bethlehem's over here, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, that's the way we want to go.

Yes, through places like Mosul and Baghdad, perhaps.

Have you ever seen a television programme called "the news"?

I'm aware of it.

Trust me, Mosul is properlydangerous. Really bad, is it?

That's as bad as it gets anywhere in the world right now.

And that's where we are? That's where it's really bad?

We are less than a fingers-width away.

So, up there, into Iran,

into Turkey, and then down there

and that way, so we miss...

we can get out of Iraq and then go round it.

Sounds like a plan.

So the wise men from the East are setting off east.

East. North-east. Yeah.

And so, with a hastily-organised route mapped out,

we climbed into our cars, which were not armoured Humvees, and set off.

All those things we hear about on the news, the mines, the IEDs,

the car bombs, they're all here somewhere.

How do you know how to spot them?

Can I just say, if I'm kidnapped, I don't want to hear any of this,

"Well, we don't give in to kidnap demands". Just pay.

I don't want to be beheaded on the internet.

I bet Richard Hammond is regretting buying a pretty little Fiat now.

I just realised that being at the front, I'm the first target.

The clever thing to do would be in the middle.

'Annoyingly, the other two had exactly the same idea. '

Oh, no, you don't.

You idiot!

Oh, you cock!

Oh, May!

We were so busy trying to get in the middle,

we weren't looking where we were going.

And soon, we were lost.

We've definitely made a wrong turning.

This cannot be the way out of town, look at it.

Oh, deary me.

This isn't a main road, now, is it?

I'm very uneasy here.

Really bad.

I'm sorry, guys, this is just the perfect place for an ambush.

Look how high everything is around as.

Go round the corner and check it out for us.

I'm not going round...

I am going round. Hammond, don't be an arse!

Hammond, stop it. Hammond! Hammond!

Tell us what it's like, tell us what you can see.

What I could see was a route back to civilisation.

We were in the clear.

And then, we weren't.

HORNS HONKING

Oh God, that's catastrophic.

RATTLING

It's minutes from complete death, this thing.

CUTS OUT

In fact, there it is.

I think what's happened is some pistons have fused.

Still, at least we're in a part of town where I'm sure there's a BMW dealer.

It's let you down badly, mate, your wisest choice of all.

I heard him on the plane, "I'm the wisest... "

"I'm the wisest of them all". Is this helping?

No, I was going to say, I love the way you are so constructive

in these moments of great peril.

James fashioned an inspection pit out of a nearby open sewer

and told us to go away.

I'm just thinking, I know we're not supposed to just wander off, but...

That's Iraq. Right there.

You know, I was just thinking how you stand here,

there's a kitchen supplier here,

and there's a schoolboy there with his tie on,

and everything's normal.

But it just takes one in a million to be not normal.

It just takes one... TYRES SCREECH

See, a noise like that,