The Mask You Live In

My earliest memory

was my father bringing me down

to my mother's basement,

putting up his hands

and teaching me how to throw

jabs and punches.

It was there that he gave me

those three words: "Be a man."

"Stop with the tears,

stop with the emotions.

If you're going to be a man

in this world,

you better learn

how to dominate

and control people

and circumstances."

That was a source

of tremendous shame.

I left that room with tears

coming down my eyes,

just feeling that

I wasn't quite man enough.

Football became

a tremendous place to hide.

You can hide

inside that helmet,

you can hide

behind the roar of the crowd,

you get to project this facade,

this persona,

the epitome of what it means

to be a man in this culture.

I thought if I could manifest

this hyper-masculinity,

somehow that would validate

who and what I was.

Certainly my father

would respect that,

see how powerful,

how strong, how tough I was,

then give me

the love and attention

that I desperately wanted.

I'd ask every man

to think about

what age they were,

what was the context

when somebody

told you to be a man.

That's one of the most

destructive phrases

in this culture, I believe.

Stop crying.

Don't cry.

Stop with the emotions.

Pick yourself up.

Don't be a chump.

Don't be a pussy.

Don't let nobody

disrespect you.

Be cool,

and be kind of a dick.

Always keep your mouth shut.

Nobody likes a tattletale.

What a fag.

You little bitch.

Don't let your woman

run your life.

Bros come before ho's.

Get laid.

Be a man.

Be a man.

Grow some balls.

Man up.

Man up.

Man up.

Man up!!!

Grow some fuckin' balls!

Act like a man.

Be a man.

Be a man!

Yet again,

another teen

has taken his own life

after being bullied for years.

The details of the gang rape

that took place

outside a high school

homecoming dance

are horrifying.

Three teens

confessed to shooting

an Australian man for, quote,

"the fun of it".

13 people were charged

in the beating death

of a Florida A&M drum major,

a result of a banned

initiation ritual.

The student was found dead,

alcohol five times

the legal limit in his system.

He killed his girlfriend

and then shot himself.

Over 20 little children dead,

he also shot his mother.

The shooting was

apparently pre-meditated.

One gunman,

and he is among the dead.

( on radio )

3-15 and 3-14 for a shooting

at Century Theaters.

Somebody is shooting

in the auditorium.

If you really knew me,

you would know I feel

like an outsider at school.

When I'm having a bad day

sometimes it's hard to talk

to somebody about it.

If you really knew me, you

would know that when I'm sad,

I really don't say

anything about it.

I used to hide emotions.

Like, when I'm sad

I wouldn't tell anybody.

And when I'm mad

I wouldn't tell.

For a long time

I didn't have any friends,

so I didn't have

anyone to talk to.

We don't really

talk about feelings

or nothing in our house.

If you really knew me,

you'd know

that sometimes

I feel like I can't be myself.

If you really knew me,

you would know

that I don't really know my dad.

If you really knew me,

you would know that my dad,

he in jail,

and I don't think I've ever

seen him out of jail.

Around fifth grade,

my mother passed away.

Most people don't know

that about me.

If you really knew me,

you would know that my mom

and dad fought over me.

My parents went

through a little phase

where they told us they were

going to get a divorce.

I just needed someone

to talk to about it.

My mom didn't have

no good boyfriends.

We were abused.

I felt like

just giving up on life.

I got bullied

in sixth grade.

I felt like an outcast.

I felt alone for--

for a long time.

If you walk onto

any playground in America

where there's a bunch of boys

happily playing,

you can start a fight

by asking one question:

"Who's a sissy around here?"

And two boys will go,

"I don't know.

He is, he is, he is,"

and they can have a fight.

Or all the boys will go,

"He is, he is."

And that boy will either

have to fight them

or run home crying.

That idea of being

seen as weak,

as a sissy

in the eyes of other guys,

starts in our earliest

moments of boyhood.

And it follows us

all the way through our lives.

Proving to other guys

that we're not girls,

that we're not women,

that we're not gay.