Impossible Choice

Yes, I'm Professor Mahler.

I'm here to tell you that theater is life!

I could have been a famous actor,

writer, producer, singer, impresario, and dancer,

and won the Nobel Prize.

Ah, but I chose to teach dumb-ass college kids instead.

"To be, or not to be. That is the question."

Class, what did my friend Willie the Bard

try to say here?

Hey, what's up?

Headed to Drama 201.

AKA "The Theater Wants You".

Where are you headed?

Music 220, AKA "The Piano Wants Me".

I doubt it.

The piano wants a babe, like Lorri.

Ah, yes, the woman of mystery.

Ah, yes.

GFs aside, do you want to do the band thing

or the lake this weekend?

Let me see, we can write inane songs

and argue about the arrangements

or get drunk and camp out on the beach.

Did I mention get drunk?

Hello.

Now, repeat after me.

Theater is life.

Theater is life.

Film is art.

Film is art.

Television is furniture.

Television is furniture.

Now you may applaud.

Thank you very much.

It's assignment time.

This single project will account for 50% of your total grade,

so I refer to it as the big one.

The envelopes, please.

Now, pay attention.

On the outside of these are two of your names.

You're going to be working in pairs.

Theater is always a cooperative endeavor.

Now, as a team, you're going to research,

write, produce, and perform right here,

a 10-minute scene.

Each of the envelopes contain the names

of two real people.

They're of the subjects of your drama.

Now, the first pair will perform 6 weeks from today,

and because the show must go on,

you must present on the date assigned.

No whining, no extensions, no excuses.

- Are there any questions? - Yes.

Can we trade envelopes

if we don't like the subjects we're assigned?

No.

Yes.

Is it okay if it's a little longer or shorter

than 10 minutes?

Yes, mm-hmm.

I don't know exactly how to say this,

but what if we don't want to work with our assigned partner?

Then you will learn something about life.

Are there any other questions?

Yes!

Good morning.

Joining us today is Scott Deming,

President of Deming and Deming International.

As you know, about 6 months ago,

we hired them, and Scott is here today

with his recommendations.

Scott.

Thank you.

- Morning! - Morning.

All right.

Let's talk about making some money.

All right.

Our key concept here is that we're developing

a desirable package vacation experience,

not just a cruise.

Let's take a quick look at our financial projections.

Our projections are based on 55 passengers.

The length of the package is 4 days,

so on the other 3 days, you can operate

as you normally would.

The fare is $800, and that is inclusive.

Now, if we back out the operating costs,

we have a net seasonal profit of $375,000

Now, I will pass out detailed financial reports later,

but that is profit.

Scott, my father always said that

if something sounds too good to be true,

well, then, it probably is, so what's going on here?

All right, Dan, the plan is to tailor a targeted

cruise "package" and then market the hell out of it.

And that target is...?

Sounds like the Academy Awards.

And the target is...

The target is gay tourists.

Now, they have the money,

they have-

Gay? We can't do that!

Dan, the major cruise lines

have been offering gay cruises since the beginning of-

We're not a major cruise line.

We're small.

We run in small towns.

People know and trust us.

We're part of their community.

We're Americana, canal history, Scott.

This is a no go idea.

Dannie, let's just hear him out.

This is a revenue issue.

It's not a gay rights issue.

This is insanity.

Can we offer a Black cruise?

I don't think so. No, no.

We could not offer a Black cruise.

Well, hell no!

But we could offer a Black Heritage cruise.

Have them play jazz, serve soul food,

make stops at historic Black sites,

like the Underground Railroad

or the Jerry Rescue.

Then whey don't we do that then?

Okay, so Black are okay, but gays are not?

Guys, we seem to have lost our focus here.

I don't think that we can float

into one of these small towns

with a bunch of fags on board.

Let's just hear Scott out.

That's what we're paying him for.

So, then what do we do with

our "straight" customers?

It's a slippery fucking slope, if you ask me.

We didn't.

All are welcome.

There is no war between gay people

and straight people, Dan.

Okay, that's what we like to think.

Just like there's no racial bias in America

since Lincoln freed the slaves.

Think bottom line.

Think destroying this company.

Scott, are you gay?

Are you?

I have a wife and two kids.

That doesn't answer my question.

Ohh, baby, big load.

Did I ever tell you that I love you?

No.

Lying bitch!

That's it, I'm pulling over.

You're getting out.

Good.

Then you can give that ring you gave me

back to the Cracker Jack company.

So, how's the warrior brother doing?

Better than I am.

You worried?

Worried, angry.

He should be off at college,

not fighting for Corporate America or lying politicians.

Well, I think it's time we put our minds to the beach.

Superficial musician.

Calling me superficial?

No, calling you a musician, lowest of low.

Kiss me.

No.

Touch it.

Not now.

Later?

That all depends.

If you tag me, I'll do anything you want tonight.

Does that mean I get to sleep by myself?

Aww, that's a nasty thought.

When you kids are through screwing around,

we can get under way.

It's her fault!

Need some help?

So how far is it to Oneida Shores?

About 25 miles, but we have to go through a lock,

and that's going to slow things down a bit.

So, how long?

About an hour and a half, two hours.

It's beautiful out here.

A little noisy, but beautiful.

Too bad Ken was busy.

As usual.

Want a root beer?

Root beer? Real men drink beer beer.

Real captains drink no bear.

Thanks, Mom.

Hey, guys, listen up.

there's an interesting article in the Times.

Women read, men jerk off.

I'm telling your dad.

Research at Syracuse University

in Upstate New York suggests

that men who purchase how-powered sports cars