The Big Bang Theory

I don't see anything at all.

You're the doctor, but I am constantly hearing this annoying sound.

Me, too.

Is it a high-frequency whistle?

No, it's more of a relentless, narcissistic drone.

There's no inflammation at all.

Then it must be a tumor.

Seriously doubt it.

Maybe it's a lingering bacterial infection

from all those childhood toilet swirlies.

Is that possible? I used to get those all the time.

Even in church.

If it is from a swirly, there something I can do.

Circle, circle, dot, dot,

now you have a cootie shot!

- I'm going to bed. - Okay, I'll be right in.

It's not enough that she mocks me,

but that isn't even the correct procedure for a cootie shot.

Do you understand that Stephanie's not here

to treat your imaginary ailments?

How is it imaginary that I keep hearing an octave above Middle C?

Is that imaginary?

I don't think so.

- Good night. - One more thing.

Under Article One, Section Three of our Roommate Agreement,

- I'm calling an emergency meeting. - You're not.

Leonard moves the meeting not occur. Is there a second?

None heard, the motion fails.

I'd like to begin the meeting by congratulating you

on the progress in your relationship with Dr. Stephanie.

- Thank you. - That being said,

we have to discuss the implementation of the agreed upon "cohabitation" rider

which has been activated now the two of you are living together.

- We're not living together. - I beg to disagree.

"A girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard

when she has stayed over for A: ten consecutive nights,

or B: more than nine nights in a three week period,

or C: all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights.

That's absurd.

You initialed it. See? L.H., L.H., L.H.

Wait, I only initialed it because I never thought it would happen!

I initialed another clause naming you my sidekick in case I get superpowers.

Yes, you did.

Now, to review, the following provisions are hereby activated:

In the refrigerator, as opposed to us having

two separate shelves and one communal shelf,

the three of us now get individual shelves

and the door becomes communal.

Next, apartment vacuuming shall be increased from two to three times a week

to accommodate the increased accumulation of dead skin cells.

Third, the bathroom schedule. I'm given to understand

women have different needs, so, we'll have to discuss that.

I'm going to bed.

At least take this with you.

And have Stephanie initial here, here, here, here...

and... here.

This states that she does not now

nor does she intend to play a percussive or brass instrument.

Sure sounds like a tumor pressing on the auditory nerve.

No, absolutely not.

It's not a big deal. We have latex gloves.

I don't care what the symptoms are,

my girlfriend is not going to give you a prostate exam.

Hi, Sheldon.

Good morning, Dr. Stephanie.

I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night.

We don't ask questions like that.

I heard you ask it over and over.

How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?

- He did very nicely. - See? She's not offended.

And now you finally have an answer.

Out of coffee. Need coffee.

Hi! Stephanie, right?

And-And you are?

Penny, I live across the hall.

- I've heard a lot about you. - Really?

I haven't heard a thing about you.

Why haven't I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall

and comes into your apartment in the morning...

in her underwear?

She's heard about you because we're,

you know, involved and you haven't heard about her because...

I never slept with her, I swear!

In Leonard's defense, it wasn't for lack of trying.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Look, I'm just saying...

Penny is one of our many neighbors,

and in our building, neighbors come and go,

it's very casual, no dress code.

In fact, some mornings I'll just mosey down to the third floor

in my pajamas and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.

Really?

I have never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.

She doesn't like you.

You have a gall bladder to remove

and I have to get in the shower and Penny has clothes to put on, so...

- It was very nice meeting you. - Nice to finally meet you, too.

- And I'll see you tonight? - Okay, bye-bye.

What could I possibly have done to offend Mrs. Vartabedian?

So, that's Stephanie, huh?

Why do I feel like I'm the one that just got the prostate exam?

You know, she seems very nice.

Oh, she is. She's terrific.

And she's proving to be a valuable roommate.

Roommate? You guys are living together?

Like hippies.

We're not living together.

Do I have to pull out the paperwork again?

- We're not living together. - Are you sure?

How could I not be sure?

Well, let's find out.

Don't you think if a woman was living with me

I'd be the first one to know about it?

Sweetie, you'd be the last one to know about it.

Cute dresses.

I bet this looks great on you!

We're not living together.

Scented candles, fuzzy slippers,

Floral bed sheets?

- We're not living together. - Okay, moving on.

Now, who are these guys at Disney World?

The big dog is Goofy,

and the older couple with the mouse ears, I have no idea.

We're not living together!

You're going to go down swinging, huh?

All right, well, we got your body lotion,

your InStyle Magazine, your jewelry box.

We're not...

Where's my Bat Signal?

You have a Bat Signal?

I did.

It was right here.

She must've...

Oh, my God, we're living together.

Really? What was your first clue?

New pants?

Yeah, Stephanie got them for me.

Nice. Cotton?

Actually, I think it's more of a wool, fire ant blend.

So, the girlfriend's buying clothes for you. Sounds serious.

It is actually.

In fact, I gave it a lot of thought

and I decided it was time for us to live together.

Leonard, huge mistake.

There's a whole buffet of women out there

and you're just standing in the corner

eating the same deviled egg over and over again.

At least I have an egg. What do you have?

A veritable smorgasbord of potential sexual partners.

See the blonde over there?

I can hit on her and you can't.

So, go hit on her.

She's not my type.

Too bad, 'cause she was checking you out before.

- She was? - Of course not. Look at her.

I don't care what you guys think.

Stephanie and I are very happy living together.

I will give either of you 20 dollars, right now to trade pants with me.

What are you doing here?

Hang on.

130 over 80.

It's a little high.

We can attribute that to the stress of sneaking past the security desk.

Where did you get the stethoscope and the blood pressure cuff?

My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday.

She thought if I failed at theoretical physics

that I should have a trade to fall back on.

And by the way, the blood pressure cuff is called a sphygmomanometer.