3rd Rock from the Sun

Dick narrating: after trapping me in an invisible box,

my evil replacement continued his diabolical plot to rule the world.

Not knowing his true identity,

my beloved Mary made a date with the scoundrel.

But just as I thought my plight was lost forever,

my entrapment was cleverly discovered by my stellar crew.

Oh, you guys,

there's an invisible box.

Ow! Wow, that smarts!

- You're going to look hideous tomorrow. - You think?

Yeah. There's this girl I knew. She hit her nose.

- Dustin Hoffman. - Mr. Randell's coming over.

Hello! I'm trapped in a box here.

Okay.

Let's see. Anybody know how to open one of these things?

Well, we know we can't smash it open with our heads.

- Tommy, go get a hammer. - Nobody's getting a hammer.

- Get a hammer. That's an order. - I'm sorry, sir,

- but you can't give us orders.

- Of all the insolent-- - Dick you are no longer the high commander.

Sorry...

but if we let you out of that box, well, that's mutiny.

Oh, mutiny shmutiny.

Big, fat dutiny.

I'm sick of the new Dick.

- This Dick, he's one of us.

So maybe he's not perfect,

maybe his leadership skills verge on the pathetic,

and maybe his incompetence has made our mission the laughingstock of--

- I think you've made your point. - I haven't made my point.

The point is that he's always been there for the three of us,

and it's time the three of us take a stand for him.

Sure, sure. That's easy for you to say.

You don't have the responsibility I do.

If we let him out and the big giant head gets wind of it,

who do you think's going to take the fall? The information officer?

The transmitter?

I don't think so. It's going to be me, the woman. Typical.

Dick: Sally!

Think of all we've been through together.

When brad dumped you, who ordered you

to drink yourself silly

until you had completely drowned your feelings for him?

You did.

And when I ran over your foot with the car,

who drove you to the hospital

the very next day?

You did.

And when you were hungry that day in the park,

who stole that little girl's ice cream cone

for you?

- Tommy did that. - It was my idea.

- It was. - True.

Sir, you're right.

I can't let you rot in this box.

I've got to get you out of here. Come on, guys.

- Blood is thicker than water. - It is?

- I think. - It's not as thick as peanut butter.

- It's a pretty thick substance. - Chunky peanut butter?

Get me out of here!

The lighting is romantic,

the champagne chilled.

And now for some...

erotic literature.

"Make sure the 2x4 studs

are cleated to the floor plates

before applying the wallboard."

Perfect.

- Mary: yoo-hoo! - Come on up.

Oh! I like what you've done with the place.

Just wait until you see

the bedroom.

Tonight

is about pleasure,

a journey into the...

taboo.

I will let nothing

destroy the mood.

Nothing.

I've seen these.

Lieutenant!

Ah, clap off, huh?

- You made it! - I'm free! I'm free!

Tommy, thank you!

I'm free! Freedom! Freedom!

Oh!

There's so much I've missed--

fresh air, the smell of bacon frying,

watching talk shows with Harry.

I didn't miss jerry springer's biker chick makeover, did I?

- It was Tuesday. - Oh, damn!

Sally, why are you wearing that skirt? It makes you look frumpy.

I knew it!

That Dick upstairs said this look worked for me.

- I hate him. - He crashed the rambler.

He changed my name to Tommy.

- Where does that leave you? - He calls me Tommy, too.

- Is that Tommy and the number, 2--? - I don't know.

- The guy's a major head case. - I've heard enough.

No one dictates humiliating and irrational edicts

to my family. That's my job. Now, come on.

Oh, oh, oh!

And nobody better have touched my strawberries.

Mary.

What's she doing with him?

Looks like he's plugging her pie hole.

I think she likes it, Dick.

- Dick? - Dick?

- Dick. - Come on, Dick.

What does she see in him?

Sure, he's gorgeous, but... it's all part of his depraved scheme.

How dare he! How dare she.

Did what we have mean nothing to her?

Wait. She thinks he's me.

But he's going to get her because he's deceiving her.

And she'll be his forever. In a way, mine.

But she likes-- but he-- I oughta--

- but, she, I-- - Dick, hey, snap out of it!

- You have to take action. - You're right. I've got it!

- We're moving to Florida. - What?!

It's warm all the time. The land is cheap. And the fishing--

bass as big as your arm.

We're not going anywhere. Now you listen to me.

This afternoon when I was with Albright arranging this date--

- you arranged this date? - Yeah, but the point is--

you set this up? What are you, his pimp?

- If you'd let me finish, I'll expl-- - You of all people--

Dick, get a grip and listen to her for a second.

The point is that I tried to talk her out of this date,

but she wouldn't listen to me because--

and don't ask me why--

she has some sort of emotional attachment to you.

- She said that? - She cares about you so much,

she is upstairs about to have sex with another man.

- She would do that for me? - If you don't stop her.

You're right. That tyrant has gone too far.

- I must defeat that man! - All right!

I should have done that earlier.

Okay, here's the plan. Tommy, Harry, you stay here.

Sally, watch my back while I make a run for the bathroom.

- Then what? - I use the bathroom.

I've been stuck in a box for two days.

Hold on. Enough.

I think my tongue has a Charley horse.

Well, saddle up. We're going for another ride.

What is going on? Last time, you were so fast.

Why don't we just get to it?

"It"? What?

You know, it.

Oh, it.

You'll get it, all right.

You'll get all of it

that you want.

It is

on its way.

Come on, Dick. He's taking forever.

Who's taking forever?

Toilet duck.

He's tackling our stubborn buildup.

Lieutenant, you're the woman. I need to know about it.

- It what? - You know, it.

Oh, it. Um...

let's get some privacy.

Okay, well, um...

uh... it's, uh--

it's kind of involved. Um...

yeah?

Eww. Really?

No.

Hmm. And women like that?

They love it.

And to think, all this time I was just walking around on them.

- Mary! - Dick.

- Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary. - Oh, that's more like it.

I want you so bad. You've got to escape.

- You want me to try and get away? - You must.

Oh, let me go! Let me go!

How's that?

- Get out! - What?

- If you clear the hedge, you'll be fine. - What is wrong with you?

Nothing. Everything. You know I'll never leave you.

- Dick. - I've got to go now. You remember Tommy.

- Tell her about the swim team. - Swim team?

Well, well, well,

if it isn't the former high commander.

It seems that I've underestimated

your... stupidity.