Keith Lemon: The Film

Faster, go faster! That's as fast as I can go.

Slower, slower! Fast or slow'? Make your mind up.

Oh. No, not there. No!

Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to put it in there.

They're so close together, aren't they'?

Just lay down on your back. On your back.

Okay.

I'm gonna blow me beans! - (KELLY SCREAMING)

Wahey!

Thanks for letting me seagull your beautiful bangers.

The icing on the cookie. It was lovely.

Keith?

Yeah'?

I just want you to know that I'm not with you

because you're a disgustingly rich, successful businessman,

or devastatingly handsome...

Yeah, I know.

It's 'cause I've got a nice personality, haven't I'?

But me handsomeness is a faculty though, innit?

Ooh, yeah. I mean, of course, it's a faculty.

You know, my knees tremble with lust whenever I come near you.

Do they'?

You're the kind of hunky sex god I've been looking for all my life,

the man I always hoped I'd marry.

- Honestly'? - Well...

- Not really. - Eh?

Everything I'm saying is coming out of your dirty little mind.

You don't honestly think I'd let you seagull my bangers in real life, do you'?

- Yeah. - This is a dream.

Your girlfriend is stood there watching us.

- Hiya, Keith. - Rosie!

Oh, it's fine, I don't mind you sea-gulling Kelly Brook's bangers.

She's one of your "would if you could" top-three celebrities.

- Plus, you're never gonna meet her. - She's right.

You're never gonna meet me.

She's right, you know'? You're never gonna meet her.

This is all just a dream.

UK garage sensation Craig David,

- get out of my dream! - (LAUGHING EVILLY)

Hello'?

- Hiya, Keith. It's Rosie. - Hello?

- I can't hear you. - (LAUGHS) Keith'? It's Rosie.

- I haven't got me thing in. - Keith, what are you doing?

- Just sticking me thing in. - (STATIC) What are you putting in?

Right, the thing's in. Hello, who is it'?

It's Rosie.

Rosie, it's Keith. I was just dreaming about you.

Aw... Was it a romantic dream'?

Yeah, I sea-gulled all over your bangers.

Aw...

- I love you. - Yeah, I know.

Say it then.

I do you, too.

I miss ya.

I'm comin' back tomorrow.

And, anyway, Rosie, who else can make a mashed potato sandwich like you'?

Is it nice?

I'm having it for me breakfast now.

It's the best mashed potato sandwich I ever had in me life.

Listen, I've got to be down here for t'lnvention Convention thing, haven't I'?

It's gonna take Securipole to a higher plateau.

This time, Rosie, it's the big time this time.

- So what time do you have to be there'? - 9:00.

And what time is it now?

It's 10:00.

Ass fucked!

I'm, oh, so very late!

(FAVOURITE SHIRTS BY HAIRCUT ONE HUNDRED PLAYS)

Bang tidy...

Fit.

Okay, the reason that I've organised this corporate dinner tonight

is to tell you both that, in two and a half days from now,

I'm going to t'Big Apple.

New York?

No, other Big Apple, London.

It's time to take Securipole global.

America, Australia, maybe even Torquay.

Why d'you want to go to London now when we've only just set up'?

Don't you think we should try and sell some poles around here first,

and then, you know, expand slowly'?

Rosie, the only thing that's gonna be expanding slowly

is my big, fat tallywacker in your mouth

when we're making sweet love. (LAUGHS)

I always wanted to go to that London,

but me dad said it was likely that I'd get stabbed.

No, that's not likely.

- Or bummed. - That won't happen.

Or bummed and stabbed.

- By a terrorist. - That might happen.

And, Douglas, whilst I'm away, look after Rosie,

I'm making you the main man. You're gonna be me.

Rosie, don't you worry. Whilst I'm down that London,

I won't look at another bird, no matter how FAF they are.

"FAF"?

Fit as Fuck.

- (MAN WHISTLES) - I would go balls deep on that.

Phwoar! Hang out the back of that.

Order. Would the right honourable gentlemen please calm down?

Taxi!

Oi!

Thanks very much for letting me share your London black cab.

It's okay.

I've got to say, you're my favourite Spice Girl.

Aw, I bet you say that to all the Spice Girls, don't you'?

No, I don't. I've never met any Spice Girls.

Oh.

Uh... This is me.

Oh, don't you pay. I'll get this. Don't worry about that.

It's not every day you meet your favourite Spice Girl, is it'?

Okay, thanks. Cheers.

- Ta-ta. - Bye.

South Bank, please. Oh!

Sorry. I thought the cab was free.

No worries.

I've got to say, you're my favourite Spice Girl.

I bet you say that to all the Spice Girls.

No, I've never met any Spice Girls.

Well, I have, I've just met the Baby one.

- Nice. Emma. - Yeah, Emma Bunt-on.

So let me tell you a bit about myself. I sell Securipoles.

And tell you what, 'cause you're a Spice Girl,

I could do you a good deal, I could stick one in your front passage,

or I could stick one in your back passage.

It's up to you.

Oh, do you know what'? I think this is where I get out,

- but it was so lovely to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

Yeah'? Good luck in London and everything.

Thanks.

- Good luck with what you're doing. Bye. - Bye.

Taxi! Hold up!

Come on, then, tell me I'm your favourite Spice Girl. (LAUGHS)

- (BLOWS RASPBERRY) - You're my favourite Spice Girl.

- Thanks, I'll run from here. Cheers! Stingy bastard!

- Oh my days! Simon Pegg. - Gary Barlow.

- Oh, from Boyzone'? - You're thinking of Ronan Keating.

No, I was thinking of Simon Pegg.

Hey, I wouldn't go in there. It's Scary Spice.

She's scratching her grapes and everything.

It's terrible. It stinks.

Can you smell that'?

- Me minge is kicking out a reet pong! - (TYRES SCREECH)

Fuckin' hell.

Oh, you're a prude, Barlow, you are.

You're a fuckin' prude.

Here I am, at the Invention Convention in London,

where the world's best inventors and entrepreneurs

are hoping to come up with the revolutionary idea

that will change the world.

As the slogan suggests, it's where dreams come true.

Excuse me, can you tell me where the Convention Invention is, please?

Over there, mate.

Welcome to the Invention Convention.

Of course it is. Okay.

Let's do this.

Please keep off the grass.

So, it removes your nasal hairs,

but would it remove the hairs from your testicles?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Waterbot.

I am Waterbot.

Taste it.

Yeah, taste it.

- It makes me wanna... Like, I wanna... - Wanna...

Dance!

Power grab! Power grab!

Power grab!

Oh, bloody twazzocks.

Ooosh!

This time is the big time this time.

I'm Sylvester Stallone.

Demolition Man.

I can do this.

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you

to something that has travelled back from the future to the past,

right here to the present time,

to protect your automoto vehicle.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Securipole.

I shall now demonstrate an extremely quick erection.

Sha-ting!

Now,

who would like a free consultation without any obligation

across the nation?

Anyone'?

- Yes, sir, would you like a brochure? - No.

Some bumph, pamphlets'? No'? Okay. Have a nice day.

Oh, no.

I like it!

I like it big-time.

It's shiny, neat, compact, simple.

The name is Rihal. Kushvinder Rihal.

Well, Kushvinder, nice to meet you. My name's Keith.

50, um, what's your business'? What you shifting?