Whitney

Oh, that is much better.

I can't believe my girlfriend is making me change

to go to a bachelor party.

I'm doing you a favor.

You can't wear your good shirt to a strip club.

You're gonna get it covered

in glitter and Kim Kardashian perfume.

Don't jinx it.

I mean, I personally don't get strip clubs.

I mean, if you want to hang out

with a broken girl with dead eyes,

you can hang out with me for free.

Yeah? You're not free.

But you are cool with the strip club thing,

so I appreciate that.

One point for you.

How many points do you have?

Oh, I'm up by a lot.

Trust me, I am psyched for you to go to the strip club.

It gives me the night off.

I mean, let someone else pretend

to enjoy bouncing up and down on you for the night.

Classy.

- Love you. - Love you too.

I do have one rule though.

No going into any private champagne rooms.

I would never have sex with a stripper

in a private champagne room.

How am I supposed to high-five my friends?

Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.

Well, I mean, I'm a very independent woman.

I make my own money, I own my own condo,

I drink alone.

Well, I mean, I don't always drink alone.

I just seem to be drinking alone a lot more

since the divorce.

Which was not my fault, by the way.

He just felt I was emasculating him

because I make more money than him.

- And he was a little bitch. - Oh.

Okay, I'm gonna call it.

Uh, time out.

Dude, if you want to run, now's your chance.

- Wh... - Thanks, bro.

How could you interrupt me like that?

I was about to tell him, "no pressure to have kids,

because I already froze my eggs."

Wow, hearing that just froze my eggs.

Roxanne, that was over

from the moment you bought him a drink.

All right, like you're such a pimp with the ladies.

- Call me? - Oh.

Yeah, you know it.

Pimp says, "in yo' face."

So I accidentally recorded Downtown Abbey,

which is about a girl named abbey who goes...

Downtown.

Are you checking someone out?

No.

Neal, we're allowed to check people out

in front of each other. We're friends now.

We can do this.

Okay, then... yes.

I think v-neck sweater guy is really cute.

Yeah, yeah.

He's okay.

- But? -

I don't know, I mean,

he's, like, one mystic tan away

from checking a different box on the census.

Roxanne, I'm telling you,

you have to change your whole game.

You're not in your 20s anymore.

Guys actually listen to what you say now.

You can't just chug vodka, toss your panties in your purse,

and call it a night.

How dare you!

I call that a morning.

Ah.

Dude, it's, like, keeping me out.

I got the keys.

Hey, little lady!

Hey, pretty lady!

Guess who's back?

I want... I want a kiss on my mouth.

And sex on my body.

Aw, you went to a gentlemen's club,

and you came home a gentleman.

Hey, check it out.

$1 million idea...

Urinals in taxicabs.

It's like, you're... You're peeing anyway.

Why wouldn't you do that? And why wouldn't you do that?

Hey, listen.

- Shh! Shut up! - Oh.

Why... why won't you marry me?

- Wow. - No, listen to me.

I never ask you that question

'cause I know how much it annoys you.

But I was out with the guys tonight, and we were drinking,

just having a fun time,

and I had to pretend that I don't...

I'm so cool with not marrying you.

Hello, that's not what I'm in here for.

That's ridiculous.

I want... I don't... I hate that.

And I hate you.

Yo, just kidding.

I want to marry you.

Oh, my God. Are you proposing right now?

Uh, no. The room's spinning,

and it has nothing to do with proposing.

Psych! Will you marry me?

Okay. Alex.

Why can't you say yes? You never say yes.

Wh... what is... I can s...

It doesn't even matter what I say.

- It doesn't. - Whit, Whit!

- I'm pregnant. - Okay.

- Okay, I... - Shh. Listen.

Just zip it, dude.

- Okay. - Please, I wanna marry you.

Will you marry me?

Will you marry me? Will you marry me?

Will you marry me?

Will you marry me?

We can have sex, yeah, sure, but don't jostle me.

Okay, honey, honey. No, no bowls.

Bring the bowls, bring the bowls.

- No bowls, no bowls. - Bring the bowls.

- Come on, come on. - No bowls.

I'm leaving the bowls.

- Oh, my God! - Okay, no.

Wait, so he actually proposed?

No, no, he was hammered. He didn't mean it.

What did you say?

Well, I spent most of the night saying,

"no, that's my belly button."

No, what did you say to the proposal?

I don't kn... I was stunned.

And then he said that I would never say yes

because I don't trust him.

- Is that true? - No, I do trust him.

And I didn't say no.

Wow, Whit, I think you might be getting over your damage.

I want to believe you,

but the voices in my head think you're crazy.

- Just, you know... - Well, I think this is growth.

I mean, a couple years ago,

you would have sabotaged your relationship by now...

Make a mess of your life. You'd be sleeping on my couch.

No offense, lily.

Mm, it's fine.

And I've done way more than sleep on this couch.

Hey. How you feeling?

- - Oh, you could see me? Hmm.

I thought I died.

Hey, so do you want to talk about last night?

I mean, when you came home,

you admitted something pretty big.

- Oh, God. - No, it's okay.

Look, I get why you'd think I'd be freaked out,

but I'm not.

You know, let's just deal with this.

Oh, God. All right.

Look, I'm not sure how it all went down,

I don't remember,

but I know I probably didn't say it

the way I wanted to say it. So...

Yes, I went to the champagne room.

What?

Or, maybe... Did I tell you something else?

That was the one thing I asked you not to do.

Look, okay, but it's not like I wanted to go in, all right?

All my friends went in. What was I supposed to do?

Sit out by myself in the main room like a loser?

Oh, no.

You should have definitely gone in the dark room

and got herpes on your hands like a winner.

Okay, look, I'm sorry.

It was stupid, it was peer pressure.

But I promise you, nothing happened.

Okay, you can't promise me that,

because you clearly don't remember

- everything you did last night. - Whit, come on.

Do you remember dancing for me?

- Yes, I do. - Okay, because you didn't.

Would you like me to now? Would that make things better?

Okay, this isn't funny. I trusted you.

And you can still trust me.

Do you want to look through my phone?

Look through my pockets.

Look, I have nothing to hide at all.

Okay. A matchbook from a strip club.

All right, I swear to God I was not smoking.

Who's Britnee?

And why did she give you her phone number?

I don't even know what that is.

Some girl obviously just wrote it herself

and put it in my pocket.