The Cabin with Bert Kreischer - First Season

So, what was this?

- It was an emu. - What's an emu?

- Australia's national animal. - Stand back.

Oh, my God, feel that chest plate.

We need something more powerful.

My name's Bert Kreischer.

I'm a father, husband and stand-up comedian

and I jam way too much into my days.

I do stand-up, hang out with friends in the green room,

Drink. Engage with fans, drink more, get a veggie burrito.

I'm working on my diet. Get another burrito,

They're kinda healthy. Go home.

Talk to my family, do something nice for LeeAnn,

do a podcast on parallel universes,

do bicep curls, do Georgia's homework, work on my moves, do Ila's homework,

don't understand it but close enough, spend time with Izzy.

Good girl! Go to New York, spread out and get comfy,

taxi on the runway for 20 minutes, but it's all good.

Chug a beer at a hockey game, get on the Jumbotron, get on a helicopter,

go to Chicago, three shows, three encores,

go back to the airport, fly home, pass out face-first on the lawn,

hit rock bottom.

Have a heart-to-heart talk with LeeAnn,

tell her I'm fine, but deep down I know my lifestyle's catching up with me

and if I keep going like this, I'll have a heart attack.

I'll take some time away, go to the wilderness, I'll eat, I'll pray,

I'll love, I'll journal, meditate, hydrate, contemplate, isolate.

I'll get better.

I promise.

LeeAnn's whole mantra for 2020 is mind-body-spirit, that's her mantra.

She said I've done so much in therapy

and in reading books for my mind and my spirit,

that I realized my body is down here

and I said, "You know, my body's probably my strongest attribute."

She goes, "Honey, if you think your body's stronger than your mind and your spirit,

you need fucking help."

Her reaction was worse than yours.

LeeAnn's concern has always been that I'm not living a grounded life.

I'm just in this world where it's, like, a tour bus, booze,

parties, meet and greet, show.

-You know? - You're doing too much.

-It's the law of diminishing returns. -How hard do you think I push it?

Like with working, with touring, with partying, with everything.

-You push it too hard. - You think?

Space it out more. Don't do it all at once.

But, then again, this is your time.

-Yeah. -This will never happen again.

-Thank you. -So that's the other side.

I'm older than you are.

I have to watch myself a little more, you are still young dogs,

but you still gotta watch yourselves.

- Bert! - Come in.

-Where are you? -I'm up here.

-What are you doing? -I've got an IV

-and having a drink. Come up. -What kind of opium den did you rent?

Cool, you got my memo: "Dress like a Raiders fan on a camping trip."

-It's a nice cabin. -Beautiful, isn't it?

Kind of.

-Don't you hate the decor? -I fucking love it.

- Take a look at that. - Jesus Christ!

-Right? -Bunch of orgies probably happened here.

We gotta get a picture of us naked on that.

Yeah, maybe just you.

Dude, it is so cold in here and the IV fluid's so cold.

-Yeah. -Like, I can feel it freezing my arm.

Is the IV necessary to start the day?

Isn't it usually, like, after?

-I'm getting in front of the problem. -That's good.

I feel like I'm at a mental patient's--

Hold it high so the blood goes in.

Can you hold it higher? I'm getting blood in my thing.

-Squeeze? Hard? -Squeeze it.

Wait. You squeeze, I'll show you what happens when you do.

-Okay. -

Stop it. Don't do it. It hurts so bad.

-Don't squeeze. -Can I pull that cord?

No!

- Hey, babe! -How you doing?

I'm good. How's everything going?

Yeah. Honestly, everything's been great.

Aw! That's awesome!

Sometimes it's really great to just unplug,

and be alone.

Yeah... I wanted to talk to you about that.

Okay, talk to me about what?

Okay, so you're not going to like how this sounds...

...but I've decided to turn this a little bit into a TV show.

Turning what into a TV show exactly?

Hear me out, okay?

You remember we talked about I needed to find balance?

Like, between work and relaxation?

-Yes. -Okay, so I figured

if I came here and just relaxed, I would find no balance.

So, in order to find balance, I figured if I sprinkle in just a tidbit of work,

I can find balance and that is what this show's about.

I think the show may be about Bert Kreischer losing his marriage.

-That could be a good show too. -You gave me this long speech

about how you needed to make a change,

and now you are doing the same stuff.

You can't relax, you can't be by yourself, and now you've created this TV show

so that you have to neither relax nor be by yourself.

Let me guess, you've invited people, haven't you?

-I did. -I knew it!

- -I knew you did that.

Tom's already here.

Joey's on his way.

You'll never change if you do the same stuff

over and over.

This is good for me. I'm not your average dude.

I have a very complicated system.

If I do any change, it's got to be in small bites,

and I can't just come up here, relax not work.

I will not relax if I'm not working just a bit.

I swear to God, I will come back and I will learn how to relax.

I promise.

Just get it out of your system.

I will. Remember, I have a very complicated system.

Very complicated.

Yeah. There's a lot going on in here, baby.

I love you.

I love you too.

Take a look at this. You'll fucking love this.

- What is that? -This is dinner.

-Dinner? -Yeah.

It's about body. Lean protein, clean body.

Fucking shit!

-Oh! Fucking shit! -

Holy shit!

-Holy shit! -Oh, oh...

Oh, fuck!

Oh, God, I can't do it!

I can't do this!

To flip open a cooler lid and see a bird broken six ways,

stuffed in there on ice...

No, man.

-Look at the feet. If you just-- -I missed those.

Yeah, fucking-- Yeah, that? That stood out first.

The fucking pterodactyl claw sticking out of the cooler?

-I knew we had an emu coming. - You did?

We wanted a deer, then we thought a hog,

but, like, for some reason, I thought it would be skinned

and we'd have all the meat and chop it up.

-I didn't know we'd get the full bird. -The full bird. Yeah.

-I'm being dead serious. -Yeah?

I don't think I can butcher this thing.

I would love to try.

-Of course you would. -I want to do it.

- How should I carry it? -Put it over your back?

You know, like over your shoulders.

-Can you throw it on your shoulder? -I'm trying.

Squat! You did CrossFit once.

There you go. Yes, you got it!

- -This is how Henson started the Muppets.

- Here. - Fuck!

-There? -Yeah.

-Ho-ho. Don't go deep. That's deep. -

Oh, my God! I thought you were joke-gagging.

What did you cut? What did you cut, Tom?

-That smelled-- It stunk, dude. -That smelled terrible.

- -It smelled fucking horrific.

- -Oh, God!

We did it wrong.

We shouldn't have cut the intestine.

I think you cut right through its asshole.

I think you told me to.

- Look who just showed up. -Oh, man.

The fuck is this?

-Lunch. -Are you serious?

That's what you're cooking?

It couldn't have been more perfect, Joey walking in as we were slaughtering--

That was the worst thing I've ever seen.

- -I almost ran the fuck out of here.

If I had my car, you'd have heard--

Tom, where are you from?

-Peru. -You see what happens

when you grow up in these Third World nations?

Me and Bert can't handle this shit,

but these motherfuckers do this. It's in their DNA,

cutting chickens up and fucking--

-He skinned that perfectly. -Perfectly.

You know, Joey, he did it with no insight, no YouTube,

he did it instinctually.

I was pulling feathers off and he was like, "No, we do it this way."

"That way." I had an accent?

"Listen, my ancestors do it this way."

I was like, "What's happening to you?"

Hold on!

- Where am I cutting it? -No idea.

-Why don't I cut here? -Why?

You want the leg, like the meat, the nice fat.

Up there?