Selfie

Most mornings require a double dose

of celebrity gossip and a triple-shot latte

for me to even begin to perk up.

But today, I didn't need a Miley meltdown

or a mochaccino.

I was being fueled by something else entirely.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse. Excuse!

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Good morning. How are you?

- Fine, thanks, and y... - O.M.G.

I thought you'd never ask.

I am for reals drunk on feels, and I'm tingling all...

- Over. - It is cold-sore season.

No, it is not the herp.

It's the heart. I finally

realized why it's never gonna happen with Freddy.

You mean Freddy the workplace DiCaprio,

with the chiseled pecks and the tongue-traceable jawline?

Freddy may be the perfect male specimen,

but I think my heart belongs to someone else.

Who?

Best not be Frank in the mail room

because I am working my long game on him.

It is not Frank!

It's Henry.

As in Henry Henry?

His last name is not Henry, but, yes, Henry Henry.

Aah!

You're in love with him?

When he looks at me approvingly,

I get these... like, these shooting pangs.

That could be related to your usage

of artificial sweeteners.

Okay.

- What's your probs? - I don't have probs.

You def have probs. Why aren't you happier?

I always assumed you were secretly rooting

for the two of us to be together.

Not really.

- Charmonique. - Hmm.

Are you gonna block this?

No, do not... do not block this!

He has a girlfriend, Eliza!

But they hardly ever see each other.

And Henry and I see each other all the time.

Well, then maybe I should be in love with Henry.

I see him all the time, too.

Okay, straight-up girl code.

If you have feelings for Henry, I will legit step aside.

But if you don't...

Charmonique, come on. Support me.

Fine.

I am not into Henry. He is all yours.

That is assuming that he feels the same way.

Only now that Charmonique mentioned it,

I didn't really know how Henry felt.

After I revealed myself to him, he didn't really say much.

It seemed like all his energy

went into trying not to look at my...

Mammaries.

I saw them.

Separately, and then together.

It was basically a full-frontal,

co-worker-type situation. So...

- Naturally, I thought of you. - Me?

Raj?

I thought, "oh, boy, I'd better talk

to Raj in H.R. about this."

Did you want to file a sexual-harassment complaint?

No, no, of course not.

So...

A high five, perhaps?

A high fi... absolutely not, no. I...

I just wanted to let you know

that the aforementioned incident was unsolicited

and did not unfurl on premises.

Unfurl?

Still, I thought it best to fully disclose to you,

Raj.

Look, Henry, this isn't exactly unprecedented.

What's that?

Eliza's inter-office sexual claims binder.

Nowadays, we ask that both parties sign a document

saying that the relationship is consensual.

And if Saperstein approves the request,

employees are free to bump uglies.

That's fascinating.

So, if Eliza has terminated things with Freddy,

I can shred this...

... and offer you this.

Just sign where indicated.

And if all goes well,

you could be getting all up in there by lunch Thursday...

If I put a rush on it.

Team.

Who amongst you can tell me what time it is?

It's 9:33.

9:33:03.

Don't be so literal, compadres.

I'm asking what time it is.

- Time to get ill? - Warmer.

It's time for the annual kinderkare karaoke party!

Yes!

Whoo!

You earned it, folks!

We crushed our year-end sales goals.

Stock is up. Ergo...

Well said, my sightless friend.

Henry. Henry.

Henry? Henry?

Henry. Psst! Henry. Henry.

Henry. Eliza's trying to get your attention.

I bet she wants to lock you down for a duet.

Might I suggest

"Solid as a rock" by Ashford and Simpson?

- Mnh, mnh. - Yeah.

Oh-ho-ho!

Feel free to use that one, sir.

I'm more of a solo artist.

What is that supposed to mean?

Folks, please keep in mind that performance is mandatory.

And no one should sing the 1987 pop hit "Wishing well,"

which I, myself, will be performing...

As I do every year.

- All right. - All right.

Henry. Henry!

Eliza.

Freddy?

Can we talk?

Did you forget to gel your swoop?

Uh, yes. Yes, I did.

Oh, my God.

Uh, truth is

I can't gel my swoop, horn my shoes,

press my shirt, or even get through

more than 40% of my Jason Statham workout.

Oh.

I'm starting to lose definition on those groin muscles

that point to my junk.

Your Adonis belt?

Freddy, no.

Yeah.

Oh, since you dumped me, I've been falling apart.

I'm in deep Eliza Dooley withdrawal.

And only by the grace of "Backdraft" reruns

on the USA network am I standing here before you now.

What?

Make no mistake,

Eliza, I'm miserable without you.

Freddy-y-y-y.

If I moved too quickly,

and you're not into the whole "relaysh,"

then let's just go back to having

relentless, casual sex.

Mm.

Being with you is the only thing that makes any sense to me.

I'm really sorry, Freddy.

But right now my head is somewhere else.

So you should probably just go and gel your swoop.

It'll make you feel so much better, okay?

Okay, what the quack?

- Why are you avoiding me? - I am...

I am not avoiding you.

You power-walked out of that conference room

like a mom at the Glendora galleria.

I have a naturally brisk gait.

Okay, so, let me get this straight.

I break up with my boyfriend,

disrobe in a public elevator,

confess that I may

have accidentally fallen in love with you,

and you, in turn, have a naturally brisk gait?

You didn't say anything

about accidentally falling in love with me.

Well, that was implied.

I exposed myself to you.

You exposed your body to me.

- There is a difference. - Stop, just stop trying to lecture me

and just tell me how you feel.

I think...

I think...

I need a moment to organize my thoughts.

Once I've performed some due diligence

and weigh the assets and liabilities,

I'll be far better equipped to share my findings.

Your findings?

We're talking about our relationship,

not a hostile corporate takeover.

I'm sorry.

I need some time.

Cool.

So, what are you thinking? Like 5? 10?

I could hit up Linda's mint bowl.

Apply a top coat.

Re-record my voicemail to Soulja Boy's

"Kiss me thru the phone," and then, like, circle back.

Or I could just leave. Got it.

And how long has it been since you confronted him

with your emotions?

Almost 24 hours.