Lady Dynamite

Maria, my sweet comedy warrior.

How would you like to make...

a whole shitload of money together with me?

Uh, sure! That sounds good.

Let's talk merchandising.

How much money would you guess that Andy Kindler made

on his concert t-shirts this past year?

$13,000.

That's right. How the heck did you get that?

I think about money a lot.

Yeah. Me, too.

So, picture this...

You on the t-shirt. And then, in big pink letters,

"Maria Bamford! Bam! Bam!"

Well, I give you...

Bruce, look. I need and love money, but...

if someone held a gun to my head and said I had to sell t-shirts,

I would rather have my brains... splattered against this wall.

- I'm not into it. - Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

I understand completely. So noted.

Bruce, I'm sorry, I have to get this. Do you mind?

That's fine. Take your time, my sweet.

I just... I met this guy.

I really like him. And he really likes me.

Bruce, have you ever met someone and you had sex with them right away,

and then they wanna have a real relationship?

You know, what if they find out about... who I really am,

and then they... run for the hills?

Sex has never been easy for me.

I don't know what it is. It physically clamps up,

and it's psychological, physiological, I don't know.

But, with Scott...

he got it in there.

Did I remember to tell you that you're gonna be playing

Flappers Comedy and Korean Bowling Barbecue on the 7th?

That... is what I should do.

I should have him go see my stand-up.

That way he sees all my garbage. He'll know all my faults, all my demons.

Pull the Band-Aid off, and then...

he can leave, and... I can just find somebody else

who I like maybe a little less,

but it's... less scary.

This has been fascinating.

- You know, a journal... - Yeah?

...is a great place for private thoughts.

You ever had a creepy thought,

like, "Oh, what if I licked a urinal?

Oh, God, I can't believe I just thought that.

Oh, God!

I should probably do a complicated dance step

and clench my fists at odd intervals,

just in case I fell over and, by accident, I licked it."

That is a type of OCD and the great thing is that you get to go to therapy

and you get to hear what other people are worried about...

"Maria, have you ever avoided going to a religious institution,

'cause you were worried that you would lose control,

run up on the altar, take a shit, and yell, 'I am a promise keeper'?"

No. I mean, that seems reasonable, but...

"Okay, have you ever...

not wanted to be left alone at SeaWorld,

'cause you worry you'd go to the tide pool,

take a baby starfish and try to kiss its poop hole?"

"Okay, have you ever not wanted to spend time with friends or family,

'cause you were worried you're gonna chop them up into chunks and bits,

have sex with the chunks and bits,

put the chunks and bits in a Cobb salad and feed it to others?"

Yes.

Anyways, thank you guys. Thanks for listening.

Okay.

That was great.

Oh, thanks, I...

So, I'll pick up my stuff tomorrow.

My sweatshirt and my LaserDiscs.

So, anyways, I'm a monster. Great getting to know you,

and... I bid you good eve.

Wait. Why are you leaving?

Because I have showed you the horrors of my mind

and, thusly, I don't blame you, but you are terrified,

and need to run for the hills.

No, uh-uh, Maria. I'm not leaving you.

But what about the horr-ars?

Especially after the horr-ars.

It's gonna sound strange,

but I like you even better now that I know you've got...

fantasies about choppin' up your family and having sex with their pieces.

What?

I mean, it's no backwards smoker.

Okay, what is that?

- Smoking backwards. - Am I doin' it?

Yeah, you're doin' it perfectly.

Oh, thank you.

I wanted to show you something.

While you were sleeping the other night, I did a bit of sketching.

Of my... nuditity?

No, no, it's...

It's all Bert.

Oh, my God.

It's Bert and some Blueberry.

That's Bert signing the Magna Carta!

Bert and Blueberry in the Thelma & Louise car.

Of course, Blueberry's driving.

Bert and Blueberry in that TV show Melissa & Joey.

That is Bert's favorite show,

and he is mostly alone with that, except for most of America.

These are gorgeous.

If you're cool with it...

I'd love to do a bunch of sketches of you...

choppin' up your family.

Maybe with charcoal.

I would love that... I mean... are you sure?

Just because I... I'm on a ton of medications.

I have a not-light tremor.

I don't know if you're ready for this jelly.

I think I'm ready for this jelly.

You know what? My grandma, when she went to the psych ward,

she grew, like, a small beard.

- Do you do that? - What do you think?

Yes, I did.

I'd shave your beard.

That is possibly the most romantic thing

that has ever been said to me.

Hey, I've...

I've never asked a human this question.

Would you like to go on a nature walk with me tomorrow?

- I'd like that. - Okay.

Well, it'll be awesome.

- Well... Well... - Oh.

Celebriteasers, celebrity look-alikes.

No, we're only seeing Captain Jack Sparrows today.

So, am I to understand that we are now well rid of those shirts of tee?

Oh, yeah. They'll be in South Sudan by tomorrow night.

Even though I'm sick of all things nautical,

that seems treacherously fast for a cargo vessel.

Girl, you said to get them out of here,

and I quote, "ASPCA!"

So I overnighted them.

And, how much, pray tell, is that going to cost?

- $32,000. - Huh.

Are you all right?

I'm kinda falling apart, I'm...

I'm broke. I'm actually, sort of, finished.

Please hold all my calls, okay?

I'm about to shed this mortal coil.

Excuse me.

Barbara! Oh, God!

I'll cancel your lunch.

Look at this.

That's a reference to comic Maria Bamford.

I saw her on Netflix.

She works really hard to destigmatize mental illness.

Really brave.

I don't know her.

I'm more of a Natasha Leggero guy.

Look, I love Natasha Leggero.

But you can't possibly put her on the same level as Bamford.

It's apples and oranges.

Don't be a dick, Ron.

You're the one being a dick.

- You're a dick. - Dick.

Ron. Don't.

Dick.

Don't.

Suck your own cock for me, okay?

I love ya. News flash.

The Pepper Stepper Pepper-bot is selling like whore-flavored hot cakes.

We've already sold four in Singapore.

Bachelor party. Don't ask.

That's $11 in your pocket.

Next item. Who is the biggest TV star today?

- Charlie Sheen. - Wrong!

It's Wendie Malick.

Check out these titties Ch... check out these titties, ooh!

Check out these titties

- Ch... Check out these titties! - Whoa.

Malick wants back in television. Ten words...

Wendie Malick Pitchapalooza, sponsored by a major national sandwich chain,

unnamed due to legal reasons.

Here's how it works...

Wendie Malick gives us an hour of her time

at an undisclosed location

Wendie Malick will hear pitches.

The winner will be taken to a major television network

to pitch the winning show with Wendie Malick.

It will be a huge hit.

The winner will buy a motherfucking Maui vacation home

with the syndication profits, okay? Boom!

That is the power of Malick.

Maria, I want you to Pitchapalooza.

Okay, I'm not a writer.

- Neither was Shakespeare. - Okay.

He was a handjobbing hobo.

Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein on a dare.

So I double dare you to take yourself out of your comfort zone.

And I don't wanna give you an unfair advantage,

but since I represent both you and Malick,

I will tell you this.

She is a major fucking Bamhead.

I'm getting that out there. Get used to it.

- How many people are pitching? - Forty-seven.

That's a lot in one hour. That's... It's so fast.