The Reunion (Klassefesten)

REUNION

Ouch ...

Why the hell don't they use the mail slot like in the old days?

- Ouch. - You okay?

It's just that cheap toilet paper you keep buying. It cuts me up.

And why the damn mood lighting? I can't see a bloody thing.

You wanna impress the girls? Then turn down the gayness.

Shut up. The last time you scored, a cell phone weighed twenty pounds.

Twenty-five ...

No, I just need some more light.

Did they boil the letters or what?

Really. They know they're writing to people over the age of forty.

You read it.

"Dear Niels. To all the members of our school’s best year ever."

"It's now twenty-five years since we graduated from high school."

"You are therefore invited to a reunion with the old gang."

"You've each been given an assignment.

"Yours is to give a speech for the occasion."

"We look forward to seeing you. Don't forget your cap."

A speech?

Christ ...

- Where are you? - There.

Has it really been twenty-five years already?

Shit, that's twice my whole life.

DESIGN AWARD

Going swimming?

- No, it's just the toilet paper. - Listen, Niels ...

Your design is impeccable as always. A delight.

But, seriously, it needs a little oomph.

What do you mean?

Some bling.

Some bling? Gunnar, it's a handicap toilet.

Christ, I know that, but ...

Maybe we should let Jesper jazz it up a bit.

Jesper? What are you talking about?

Jazz!

It's a deal, then.

Take good care of your butt.

My uncle also thought it was the paper, but he had anal cancer.

Hi, Niels!

It is you, right?

I didn't recognize you at first. You've grown so old and ugly.

It's a good thing you were still hot when I met you.

I'm just joking.

Are you saying I couldn't pull you today?

- That's impossible to answer. - Sure it isn't.

Imagine you've never seen me before and I'll walk in.

- Are you ready? - Yeah.

Here I come.

So, what do you think?

I think you need to stop obsessing or you'll sprain your neck.

Jesus ...

Leave me alone!

I'm not going to that reunion.

What the hell am I supposed to give a speech about?

You have hemorrhoids.

But that's quite normal for men at our age.

We use a very coarse brand of toilet paper at home.

Right.

Let me just have a feel ...

... a bit further up ...

... now that the cork is off, so to speak.

Why don't we get better at things as we grow older?

We get worse at seeing, at hearing ...

... and taking a dump.

I can't get my finger out when you're this agitated.

Thank you.

I'm writing you a prescription for some ointment you can use.

Would it ...

Would it be possible to get some antidepressants?

For you to take every day for the rest of your life?

What do you want me to do then?

Apply a generous amount of ointment two times a day.

And get it as far up as you can.

Thank you!

I never thought I'd get to bang you again.

Again? Have we done it before?

Yeah. Don't you remember?

in the ladies' room, on the changing table.

- Did you do something to your hair? - No.

Oh, now I recognize you!

I'm off to bed. Come by if you're in the mood. Laerke.

Guess who?

- Simone. - So good to see you.

- That was one hell of a show. - Really? Thanks.

When are you and I gonna do it?

- Do you mind? - Chill out. The more the merrier.

What are you talking about?

That sounds fantastic, girls, but no thanks.

See ya!

Or you can have me alone.

They can do those up for you in Sweden.

Easy, boy. We're friends, remember? That's right.

You've been here all night and didn't wake me?

Where are you going?

Just popping down to the bakery for some muffins and rolls.

Thomas?

And a Danish.

- Hey, Niels. - Hi, Thomas.

You can take off the helmet when you're not on the bike.

Sure, but it's important to set a good example.

By wearing a helmet when you're buying muffins?

Next, please.

Right, let me have ...

Five rolls.

This must be what it's like being dead.

There you go.

How may I help you?

A ciabatta and four Italian rolls.

- Did you hear about Andreas? - No.

It's insane.

There you go. Anything else?

Let's have four more.

Remember Hanne?

She got so into yoga she totally neglected Andreas.

So he started looking at other girls.

He got so addicted to porn they decided to get counseling.

He doesn't turn me on anymore.

And even though he started listening to her -

- and rubbing her neck instead of jerking off, one day she said:

I've fallen in love with somebody else.

With who?

With Karsten.

- The therapist? - Yep. I know the guy.

- He's twenty nine. - Shit ...

Anything else?

- What are those in the next basket? - Spelt rolls.

- I don't want any more. - Spelt rolls? Give me four of those.

Anyway ...

She got herself a pair of ass antlers and left him.

He sees his son every other week.

Twenty-five years down the drain.

Wow, he must really hate that therapist.

Yup. And every other guy under the age of thirty.

Now Andreas is obsessed with finding a new girlfriend.

He can't stand being alone.

He probably won't be going to the reunion either.

Do you mind? It's not a public toilet.

Chill, dude. You never been young?

Sure, but I didn't piss all over the bakery!

It's fucking disgusting!

Sure, it's disgusting, but what the hell's eating you?

Thomas, do you remember our last graduation party?

How we laughed at our history teacher?

That's different. Look at Mick Jagger. He's seventy and still playing.

Look at Michael Laudrup. He's our age and not playing at all.

That schmuck retired way too soon.

You need to get out more. To feel you're still alive.

- At the reunion, maybe? - I told you, I'm not going.

You're going to that party and so is Andreas.

What's the matter with you? Is it the speech?

What am I supposed to say? That I have hemorrhoids?

- I can't even pull my own wife. - I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll go away for the weekend, the three of us.

We'll go out, flirt with the ladies. Next day we'll go to the reunion -

- and you give one hell of a speech. Say yes. It'll work.

Your hemorrhoid ointment ... Want me to put it in your sponge bag?

- Daddy ... - Not now.

- It won't open. - What is it?

My graduation cap. The lock is busted.

Daddy? Daddy ...

Leave off with the damn glasses!

There! Thanks.

- You're welcome. - I just needed some more light.

Daddy ...

- Daddy ... - No way I'm wearing that.

Daddy? Daddy!

Wait a minute, goddammit! Give me a moment's peace!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry ...

- I know. - You know what?

It's hard for me to love you when you keep hating yourself.

- Hey. - Hiya.

- Not exactly a pussy wagon. - No, but it's great for families.

- Hi, Laerke. - Hi.

Here. You'll want something to show your class-mates, too.

Right.

Have a nice trip.

Everything all right?

- Hi, Laerke. - Hi, Andreas.

Hiya. Hi, Niels. Are we off?

Take it easy.

Sorry.

- What's in the canister? - Helium. I'm in charge of balloons.

I'm supposed to sing a song and Niels is giving a speech.

Thank God I'm not the one. Having to look a fool in front of the class -

- and be laughed at for the next twenty-five years.

Thanks for giving me writer's block.

Just take some helium, then.

- Shit, I'm so excited. - It's gonna be great.

- Why're you sitting on a swim ring? - I've got hemorrhoids.

So, are you and Laerke back together?

- We're not together. - Then what are you?

- Friends with benefits? - What's this?

- Put that back. - Do you use it on your way to work?

Well, my nose hairs are growing.

And my ass hairs are growing. You should mention that in your speech.

- I told you to put it back. - Goddammit.

Will Hanne be there?

- No idea. We don't talk anymore. - Not at all?

No. She left me, so she's the one who should stay away.