Jeff & Some Aliens

What you up to, Jeff?

I'm using this incredible new app to help me find love.

Ooh. Not her.

Oof! Definitely not her. So ugly.

Are you rejecting these women based solely on their looks?

- That is really disgusting. - No, no.

It's much deeper than that.

It also shows me what kind of music

and TV shows they're into, all right?

Okay, maybe you guys are right. You know, what am I doing?

I could be closing the door on a beautiful relationship here.

Here, see this girl? Not exactly my type.

I'm gonna send her a heart.

Oof! Definitely not him. So ugly!

Wait, what?

Man, I don't get it!

Why aren't any of these ladies biting?

I can't just sit back and watch this anymore.

This man clearly needs help.

Maybe we should let him use our dating app.

Sorry, guys, I don't think I have it in me

to fill out any more dating profiles.

If I have to write that I'm a 420-friendly breast man

one more time, I'm gonna scream.

Jeff, don't worry. This one does it for you.

Wait, wait, what's happ...

Oh! Whoa!

Okay.

Now let's go find you some soul mates.

I'm telling you, we live in a surveillance state.

They're watching our every move.

Denise, I'm sorry, I can't have

another one of these lunches with you.

They're exhausting.

Whoa!

I'm compatible with all these babes?

Yeah, right. This is just everybody that exists.

Now we just got to weed out the ones

you don't connect with emotionally...

- Aw. - Take out the ones who won't

think your jokes are funny... That's key.

- What? - And finally, let's lose

all the ones you won't be able to satisfy sexually.

Oh, come on! Can't I learn?

Here they are: your lucky love matches.

As soon as I press this button,

you'll be able to experience true love with Jessica.

True Love? Jessica?

I like the sound of that!

Ah! Oh, my God!

- Oh, what the... - Darling!

- Do you fancy a cup of tea? - Oh, she's British!

Yes! Uh, I do, I do, me loves.

- Sorry for the delay... - Oh!

My little crumpet. I misplaced my dentures.

I haven't the foggiest where I put them...

- Oh, my God! - Let's give him 10 years

to really get the full experience.

Ah! Oh, my God! Oh, Jesus, where am I?

What's happening? What year is it? Ah!

- Oh, you guys! - Settle down, buddy.

Jeez, it was just a simulation!

How'd it go in there?

How'd it go?

She was 80 years old, you idiots.

She smelled like vinegar.

We spent half of our time in doctor's offices.

It was absolute bollocks!

Oh, dear, looks like you didn't

open your heart to her at all!

This machine is programmed to find true love, Jeff.

It doesn't let superficial

details like age get in the way.

There's no way I'm getting

back in that hellbox

without a little vetting first, okay?

Oh, I think you'll like this next one, Jeff.

27 years old, Columbian, and extremely fit.

Oh, okay, a little caliente Latin flavor, huh?

That sounds great. Now we're talking.

Let's do this!

Oh, God. Oh!

Hola, mi amor.

Hello, sir.

So? How'd it go, buddy?

Was he as hot in real life as he looked in the pictures?

We're, uh, obviously

not communicating clearly here.

Yes, as far as men go,

Federico was objectively extremely handsome,

but there's one problem... Let me guess:

you kept your heart closed again.

Yeah! Because I'm not gay!

Okay? And by the way,

I don't need 10 years with everybody

to see if we match, okay?

Half hour, that's it.

Who's the next one? What's her name?

And what does she look like?

Oh, my God! Mr. Particular!

I mean, this next one's a superstar actress.

Is that a dealbreaker for you too?

- Huh? - Her name is

Scarlett Johansson.

What? Scarlett Johansson!

- You know her? - What, are you crazy?

Everyone knows her! Are you serious?

Scarlett Johansson and I are a match?

That's amazing! Yeah, it says right here

you perfectly complement each other's hearts and souls.

You know, it's funny, I... I always felt like we'd get along.

Oh, God, why are we wasting time?

Get me in there!

Look at me, I'm the wizard of bubble land!

That's too funny! Stop!

- - Oh, baby.

Don't you need to start getting ready for the Oscars?

Pfft! Who cares about some dumb award

when I already have the world's greatest trophy.

- You. - Aww.

Now, close your eyes, baby.

Oh, Scarlett.

Oh, Scarlett. Oh, Scarlett.

Oh, Scar...

Ah! Come on!

How could you just pull me out like that?

You gave me 10 years with Federico!

First you want it shorter, then you want it longer.

I mean, make up your mind!

You know what? It doesn't matter, okay?

I... I got to go find Scarlett,

and make her a part of my life for real.

- Scarlett! - Scarlett! Over here!

- Over here! - Scarlett! Scarlett!

Scarlett, we're meant to be together!

We're perfect matches!

We perfectly complement each others' hearts and souls!

No, Scarlett! I'm the man of your dreams!

Look! I made a mask of your face!

- - Um...

She got a restraining order against me!

I thought the machine said we were perfect matches,

and I definitely opened my heart, okay?

So that's not the problem.

Yeah, but come on, Jeff, if you blow it that hard,

you can destroy any kind of love.

Oh, update... looks like you and Scarlett are no longer matches.

- Sorry, buddy. - Damn it, damn it, damn it!

You've only got one match left

in the entire world.

You better not goof it up, buddy.

Jesus.

Why is it always so, like,

last chance-y around here?

Oh, holy .

- Oh, - .Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Here, hit this.

- Oh, yeah. - Now hit this!

Oh! I love our Sundays!

I love you!

I love you!

Uh! Ahh!

Oh, my God.

That was amazing!

She's perfect.

- Hey, honey. -

I just stopped by to tell you

you're the most wonderful thing in my life.

- You know that? - Oh, thanks, Stu.

Mwah.

She has a boyfriend!

So? What's the problem here, Jeff?

I don't understand.

You get hung up on the weirdest details.

No wonder you can't find love.

I hate this stupid machine.

Get it out of here. I'm done with it.

No, Jeff, don't touch the machine!

- Do not touch the machine! -

It's thing but trouble and heartache.

Jeff, you can't just... Simulation in there!

- -

Who... who are you guys?

What the is happening?

- Uh... - Oh, you stupid idiot.

Thanks, Jeff.

These pearl onions are really good.

Oh, I'm so glad you like them.

I... I had to drive to, like,

four different specialty markets to track them down.

You know they keep mini vampires away?

That's garlic, not onions,

you ding-dong.