M*A*S*H

- Radar ! - Yes, sir ?

- Get ahold of Major Burns... - and tell him to put another...

- day shift on the night shift. - Get General Hammond down in Seoul--

I hope he sends us those two new surgeons. We're sure gonna need 'em.

- What was that, sir ? - I gave everything to Radar.

What ?

- What the hell you think you're doing ? - Huh ? Well, uh--

-Just because you're a captain, don't think you run the joint. - Come on, I wasn't--

- I run it. - Yeah, all right, I'm just supposed to--

I know what you're supposed to do.

Your driver will be with you shortly. He's having his coffee now.

- Racist. -[ Man On P.A. I Attention.

- Racist. -[ Man On P.A. I Attention.

The following men report to the departure area--

Carey, Michael S. Phelps, Robert A.

Cleaver, Herschell B.

- Roosevelt, Charles B. [Continues, Indistinct] - Bye, ladies. Thank you.

- Uh, 4077th MASH ? - This is the jeep, yeah.

All right.

Okay, let's go, boy.

Get my other bag.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Schermerhorn ! Get that son of a bitch that just stole my jeep!

Hey, watch where the hell you're going, will ya ?

There you are, sir. The officers' mess.

Perhaps you would like to take a small repast ?

I don't think I could eat after that ride. You want any of this ?

No thank you, sir. But I could do with my lunch.

Well, why don't you come on in with me and get a sandwich ?

I'll follow you anywhere, sir.

Ohh, how about that piece of scenery, Yankee, huh ? Yes, sir.

Who are those men ? Friends of yours, Murrhardt ?

No, sir. First time I've ever seen them.

Well, maybe those are the replacements, sir.

Don't be silly. We're expecting some really sharp surgeons.

I guess they got separated from their units and looking for something to eat.

They've got a hell of a nerve coming in here, eating our food.

Can I ask you to move over just a little bit ? Thank you. Ooh.

- Careful. But you know she's got to-- - I think I'm in love.

That pHisoHex soap on her face, she really has a very bad complexion.

- - Uh,

well, you see, the truth is, Lieutenant, I don't have anything to do tonight.

I just got into town and, uh, well...

I thought maybe you could show me around.

Captain, I think if you'll notice the lieutenant's beautiful hands,

she is definitely married.

I'm the commanding officer, and I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

- Boy, Bandini, they're eating here... -[Man On P.A. I Attention.

- Because they want to. - attention, Captain Murrhardt--

- You men just passing through ? - I was just enjoying that lovely dish.

Uh, Captain, you are speaking about a lieutenant in the United States Army.

- And I'm Colonel Blake. - Oh, Colonel.

I'm, uh, Duke Forrest, your new cutter. That's my driver.

Captain Hawkeye Pierce.

- Are you leaving ? - Yes, I am.

- Good afternoon, Lieutenant Dish. - Good afternoon, Captain Hawkeye.

Captain Hawkeye Pierce, I had a TWX about you.

- It seems that you stole a jeep up at headquarters. - No, no, no, sir.

I didn't steal a jeep. No, it's right outside. Right there.

So it is. Captain, don't you know when you report to your new duty station,

you go to your commanding officer with a copy of your orders ?

Uh, Captain... Pierce, is it ?

Captain Pierce and me have been boozing all day and worked up an appetite--

Good, good. You've been working close to the front.

Now we have our slack periods, but when the action starts,

- you'll get more work in 12 hours than a civilian surgeon-- - How many nurses do we have ?

- Seventeen. - How many nurses will be on my--

- Four. - I'd like to select this young girl.

Yes, that can be arranged. Oh, Father Mulcahy.

I'd like you to meet Captain Pierce, our new surgeon. This is a Catholic chaplain.

-And this is Captain Forrest. - Dago Red.

- Dago Red ? - Captain Waldowski, our dental officer.

Better known as Painless Pole.

- Captain Black, our anesthesiologist. - I'm the dentist here.

-John Black. I'll be passing gas for you. - Duke ? Welcome.

If you boys have any problems, my tent is right--

- Radar ! Oh, Corporal O'Reilly. - I'm Corporal O'Reilly. They call me Radar.

You'll be staying in Major Burns, tent. I'll take your things over there now.

Don't worry about the jeep, I'll change the numbers.

Oh, and change the numbers on that jeep.

Oh, and change the numbers on that jeep.

Corporal O'Reilly ? You're not billeting these enlisted men...

in the officers, area now, are you ?

Excuse me.

I'm working for my blind brother who can't afford the trip to Korea.

- Unhand me, sir. - Uh, hey, Duke Forrest.

Now that one's mine.

- - Hi, fellas.

Who ? That one ? Who told you that ?

- How do you know that ? - "Yea, though I walk through the valley...

"of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil for 'thoo' are with me."

Thou. Thou art.

-Jesus Christ. - What's all that about ?

That's Major Burns, sir. Excuse me.

- New personnel, Major. - Good.

Hi. Hawkeye Pierce.

- How do you do. - Duke Forrest.

- Frank Burns. - How are you ?

Go ahead, Ho-Jon.

"My cup runneth over. Surely goodness...

and mercy shall follow--"

Uh, what's this here ?

This is Ho-Jon, one of our mess hall boys. I'm teaching him how to read.

Oh, is that right ?

Reading the Bible, huh ? Uh-huh, that's nice.

Listen, I got a book here, it's got a lot of pictures in it,

and I think it's easier to learn how to read when you look at pictures.

-A little adventure--pictures. - May I leave now, Major ?

- Sure, Ho-Jon. - You have fun, you hear ?

- -

Here it is. Here it is. Suture, Mary.

What kind of sutures are these ?

- Scorch, I need some more sponge-- - Just a minute, Les.

Give me some big hunks of sponge or something, for crying out loud.

- Get that thing out of there. - You'll have to use these for now.

Oh, that's bleeding, that's gotta come out of there,

I can't stop that bleeding down there.

- - What's so funny ?

- Nothing, sir. Not a thing. - Is that true what I hear about you ?

- Duke, back to the kidney. - Oh, yeah.

- He's cute. - Give me a clamp.

- Here we go. - Captain Pierce, did you call me ?

No, I didn't, and my name's Hawkeye. Give me the saw.

I can't really see. It's like the Mississippi River down there.

- Give me another one. - Doesn't feel like it's in one piece.

I think it's gotta come out of there.

Give me a knife. And give me some more of that gauze.

Off the stick, or otherwise ?

A big, honey. It's... you know--

- Ready ? - I'm ready.

- - Nurse, you got a clamp, please ?

Yes, sir.

- - Scratch my nose. Just on-- There.

A little harder, please.

[ Man On P.A. I Attention. Attention. All... noncommissioned off--

Attention. Attention. All noncommissioned officers...

will report for a shortarm inspection at 0400.

That is all.

- What's that ? - That's a martin-eye, Frank.

Finest kind. We're training Ho-Jon to be a bartender.

- Would you care to imbibe, sir ? - I don't drink.

Jesus Christ, I think he means it.

- We've been had, Hawkeye. - I think you're right, babe.

I don't think it's right to involve a boy who's not 17 years old yet.

- You go to sleep now ? - Yeah.

- I go wash clothes. - Oh, okay.

You make a mean martini there, Ho-Jon. You keep it up, you hear ?

"Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven."

You ever catch this syndrome before, babe ?

- - No. Not with anyone beyond the age of eight years old.

"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen."

- Amen. - Amen.

And, dear God, protect our young men on the field of battle...

that they may return home to their dear ones.

And, dear God, protect our supreme commander on the field.

And our commander in chief in Washington, DC.

Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here ?

Uh, Frank, how long does this show go on ?

It gets longer all the time. Now I have your soul to pray for and Captain Pierce's.