Family Guy

Okay, okay, I got one.

Would you rather have dinner and then sex with Megan Fox's body

with Leonard Nimoy's head on it

or reroof an entire condo complex by yourself?

Oh, boy.

Can I close my eyes?

No, eye contact the whole time and a lot of kissing.

Well, how about Megan Fox's head on Leonard Nimoy's body?

I know, somehow that's better.

The hybrid organism exists as I've described it.

How many units are in the condo?

Thirty two.

Tile roof or shingles?

Yeah, 'cause it makes a difference

what you're carrying up that ladder.

Wait, whose neck is it? Huh?

I mean, where's the cut off?

You know, is it Megan Fox's neck

or am I burying my face in Leonard Nimoy's turkey gizzard?

Nimoy's neck.

You have got yourself a roof.

I'll take the Spock Fox intercourse.

All right, Peter, your turn.

Uh... Boxers or briefs?

What?

That's the worst one I've ever heard.

Look, I'm sorry.

I'm exhausted, all right?

I-I didn't get any sleep 'cause Brian

and the neighbor's dog kept me up all night.

Hello?

Hello? Hello.

Are you a dog? Yes!

I am also a dog.

All right! Yeah!

We're dogs! Yeah, we're dogs!

We're dogs that live near each other!

Hey, are you guys dogs?

Yeah! We're totally dogs!

Yeah, both of us!

Oh, wow. Well, if you're that tired, Peter,

maybe you should have some coffee.

Yeah, or you could have some Red Bull.

Red Bull? What the hell is Red Bull?

You never heard of Red Bull?

It's an energy drink.

Here you go, Peter. It's on the house.

So? What do you think?

Good evening.

Our top story tonight:

Barack Obama makes a visit to James Woods High School.

Yes, it's time to get jiggy with it, Quahog..

I thought we had taken that out.

President Barack Obama will visit James Woods High

next month, and this little town of ours couldn't be more abuzz.

Oh, my God, this is gonna be so amazing!

It's all anybody in my class is talking about.

Darn it, why is this so hard?

What's wrong, Chris?

Just 'cause Obama's coming, everybody in my English class

has to write a stupid essay about hope.

But this is all I can come up with.

Chris, this is just a shaded in triangle and the word "Muff."

For God's sakes, Meg, it's a first draft.

Just tell me if you think the tone is right.

Well, I don't know what this is,

but it's not what hope is about, Chris.

Well, if you're such a genius, you tell me what hope is.

Hope is what gets you out of bed in the morning

when it's the day of prom and you haven't been asked.

Hope pushes the caterpillar through the cocoon

and drives the salmon upstream.

Your breasts may be small and your glasses may be thick,

but hope doesn't hold up a mirror.

Hope is a horizon we head for,

leaving nothing behind us but fear.

And though we may never reach our goals,

it's hope that will save us from who we once were.

Wow.

Did you learn that at school?

No. You can't just learn creative writing, Chris.

It's got to be inside you, like musical talent

or athleticism or the ability to choose to be gay.

I don't think they choose that.

Oh, please, they choose that.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

What's up, party people? Ah, what the hell

are these things, curtains or something? Boring!

Holy smoke, it's crowded in here. Hey!

There, ah, that's terrific; It opens up the whole room.

Peter, there you are.

Where the hell have you been?

I've been worried sick.

Oh, so I had a few Red Bulls, drove to New York.

What's the big deal? Ah, there's my little man!

Done!

Wow, Dad, that was pretty cool.

Can I try some Red Bull?

Oh, my God, can you try some Red Bull?

Chris, I'd take it as an insult if you didn't.

Here you go, have some cans, one, two, three, four, five.

Go on, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em.

That's what Woody Woodpecker says.

All right, I'm gonna go outside and milk the cow.

Peter, where'd you get that cow?

Oh, that's a silly question, Lois.

I bought it so we can have fresh milk every day.

Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's some strong stuff.

Hey, everybody, welcome back to The Price Is Right.

Time to spin the wheel.

Top winner for the day is Peter,

so you're gonna be the first to spin it.

Go ahead, Peter, close as you can

to a dollar without going over.

All right, while we're waiting for the wheel to spin,

you want to say hi to anybody?

Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to

Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire,

Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce,

Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert,

Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased up Deaf Guy!

Okay.

I'm sure they're happy to hear that.

Whoa, paramedics, come on down!

Mom, oh, my God, guess what!

Oh, God! You scared the (bleep) out of me.

You know that essay about hope I had to write?

Well, the principal said it was the best one in the class,

and he wants me to read it aloud to introduce the President!

Ah, Chris, that's incredible!

Remember when I used to come to school to wipe you,

and I'd say, "Someday I won't have to wipe you anymore

and you'll do great things"?

Well, this has been a big year for us.

Wait a second. Give me that.

"Hope pushes the caterpillar through the cocoon

and drives the salmon upstream."

I wrote that!

You stole this from me.

Hey, you didn't say I couldn't use it.

But now you get to meet the President of the United States

because of what I wrote.

Ugh! I bet you don't even know what his first name is.

I-I don't know.. Mike?

Hey, what are you doing?

Lois, where is my Red Bull?

Peter, I got rid of it.

Why the hell would you do that?

It was making you crazy, and it's not good for you.

That's why I poured it all out in the garden.

Official flower business.

What are you doing, Peter?

I'm making my own Red Bull.

Lois can't stop me from experiencing

the manic highs and lows my body demands.

Whoa, whoa, hang on, you're adding kerosene?

Peter, that's insane.

That'll destroy your body.

Kerosene is fuel, Brian.

Red Bull is fuel.

Kerosene is Red Bull.

Now, why don't you leave me alone

while I'm doing my important work?

Peter, that drink will kill you.

Brian, whatever kills me makes me stronger.

See, Brian? I feel great.

Peter?

Peter, are you alive?

Ah, you're alive.

Okay, I won't, uh,

I won't, uh, eat you then.

I was gonna eat you.

Dr. Hartman,

please tell me, is my husband gonna be all right?

Uh, Cancun, actually, thanks for asking.

Just got back.

Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid all the toxic chemicals

your husband ingested from his homemade energy drink

have caused total kidney failure.

How was Cancun?

Oh, my God.

Kidney failure?

Is he gonna be okay?

Well, yes and no.

We'll put him on a kidney transplant list,

but that could take months.

Until a donor is found, he's gonna have to undergo

Dialysis Treatments three times a week.

Dialysis?

Is there any other way?

Yes, there is.

No, no, no, no, no!

W-We'll do the Dialysis.

Hey, Doc, I'm here for my Dialysis.

Ah, have a seat, Peter.

Let's get you hooked up.

Doc, I don't know how much more of this I can take.

It's been three weeks.

I know, I saw the caption.

Yeah, but I-I just go crazy just sitting here for so long.