Family Guy

Good evening, America. Tonight we present

a full hour of Family Guy,

beginning with a very special extended episode,

followed by some never before seen musical clips.

That's right.

So, without further ado,

here's a little episode entitled" Stewie and Brian."

Well, actually, it's called "Brian and Stewie."

Really? Shouldn't it be person before animal,

like Turner and Hooch?

I don't think that movie is a good example.

Of anything.

Besides, it's alphabetical.

You asked to have your name first, didn't you?

Ladies and Gentlemen, here's "Brian and Stewie."

Pathetic.

Hurry up.

We still have to swing by Wyndham's before they close.

Relax. I'm almost done.

And why do you have a safety deposit box anyway?

What's in there that you can't bury in the yard?

I have things.

You have a dead bird in there?

What are you gonna do with that?

I was gonna take it home,

show it to Lois, make her proud of me.

Hey, I'm starving. You want to grab a late lunch?

Can't. I'm Jenny Craig-ing.

Already paid for the meals.

And if I want to return this sweater, we've got to get

to Wyndham's by half 6:00. Half 6:00?

Yes. You have to return it within a fortnight for a refund.

I love it, but I feel like it was too much.

Cute, right?

It's Thom Browne.

It was over $3,000.

You spent $3,000 on a sweater?

What's it to you?

That's the most idiotic thing

I've ever heard. You're a moron.

A pretentious moron.

Drop dead. I was returning it anyway.

Where'd you even get that kind of money?

None of your damn business, that's where.

You know, today started as a really nice outing,

but as usual, you had to ruin it.

I had to ruin it?

Yeah, you.

You know, I-I was actually hoping

that you'd talk me out of returning this sweater.

So, you're right; I guess I am a moron.

You know, it's the one time I ever splurged on myself,

and you have to go and make me feel foolish.

Look, I didn't... Save it, okay?

I'll be waiting outside under the porte cochere.

It's my own fault for thinking I could have pretty things.

I'm not having fun anymore.

I feel you should know that.

What was that?

I don't believe this.

Hello? Hello?

We're locked in!

Did you... Did you just crap your diaper?

I got scared when the door closed.

Hey!

Hello! Hello!

Somebody!

We're trapped in here!

You're wasting your breath.

These bank vault doors close automatically

at the end of the workday.

This thing won't be open again till tomorrow.

Well, there's got to be some way out of here. Think!

I don't know. You think of something.

Well, I have no idea!

So, you invented a time machine,

but you can't get us out of a safe?

Yeah, that's science. I'm not Houdini.

Can't believe this. We're locked in here

until tomorrow and the only thing I've eaten today

was a grape Chris dropped at breakfast.

It took me half an hour

just to get the damn thing off the floor.

I'm uncomfortable. You have to change me.

I'm not changing you.

We don't even have any diapers.

Oh, my God, that smell

is making me sick.

Oh, thank you for making me more self conscious.

I'm not gonna be able to stay like this

until tomorrow, you know.

Well, I don't know what you expect me to do about it.

You don't?

No, I don't.

Stop looking at me like that.

Look, I'm going to propose something,

and I need you to hear me out.

Will you promise me you'll do that?

I guess.

You guess or you will?

Yes, I'll hear you out.

Okay, well, I can't be in a soiled diaper

until tomorrow, Brian; We both know that.

I'll get a rash, which could lead

to an infection if left like this.

All-all right, fine, I'll take the diaper off.

That doesn't really solve our problem, now, does it?

Yes, it does.

No, it doesn't though, really.

See, you're, you're not...

You're not really thinking this through.

W-We would still be faced

with the problem of the odor, you see.

And-and, of course, you know,

then what am I gonna do with no diaper?

I'm-I'm not gonna walk around here

with-with my Tic Tac hanging out.

I-I need a clean diaper.

I told you, we don't have any clean diapers.

Well, well, no, I mean, not right now we don't, no.

But if-if the poo were to be removed...

I'm not following you.

If the poo were to be removed...

W-What does that... What are you driving at?

Eat it.

What? Eat it, Brian.

You're out of your mind.

Now, you promised you'd hear me out.

Besides, is it really that big a deal?

You just said yourself that you're starving.

And, you know, I've seen you eat poop before, Brian.

Yeah, mine!

Is that really a huge distinction?

It is to me!

I can't even... How would... You...

That's sick! That is sick!

How messed up in the head are you that y-you would even ask?

Look, okay, okay, just calm down, okay?

We're not, we're not... We're just talking.

We're not doing anything yet.

All right, we're just talking.

Nobody's doing anything at this point.

Dogs sometimes eat feces.

It's not a judgment; It's just a fact.

So what I would need you to do is eat what's in my diaper,

lick the diaper clean, possibly lick my fanny

and then put the diaper back on me.

Probably lick my fanny.

Yeah, you should start wrapping your brain around that, too.

There is no way any of that is happening.

Well, I don't see a way around it, do you?

I would shoot myself first.

Well, how you gonna shoot yourself?

There's no gun in here.

There's a gun in your safety deposit box, isn't there?

Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing.

Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy?

Whoa, whoa, come on, Man. Take it easy, all right?

I-I don't want any trouble.

There's not gonna be any trouble

as long as you eat my poo.

That's not happening.

Well, then I'll be forced to shoot you.

Go ahead. There aren't any bullets in that gun.

I don't believe you. Then shoot me.

I will. I will! Do it. Then do it!

What are you waiting for? Go on!

I will! I'll blow your head off!

Wait a minute. Don't you have your cell phone with you?

You're right!

Oh, no, low battery.

I have to make this call count.

Hurry up.

It's ringing.

Oh, thank God.

Come on, come on.

Yes, hi. Can you connect me to men's designer wear, please?

Thank you. What are you doing?

This will just take a second.

Give me that! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hi, uh, this is Stewie Griffin.

Uh, who am I talking to?

Hi, Matthew.

I think you're the salesman who helped me

pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago.

Yes, I was going to see

The Bounty Hunter that night.

Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you.

Good memory, my word.

Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and...

Give me the damn phone! Hey!

Stop it.

Um, and I don't think I'm gonna

make it to the store before closing time today.

Is it possible to get an extension on that refund?

Uh huh. Uh huh.

No exceptions, I see.

So you're telling me if I was James Franco calling,

I would still not be able to get an extension for one day?

Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager.